Blame it on the unions.

Luckily, help is at hand, albeit in a virtual world. Doing my God impersonation - which I do on a regular bass, to break the monotony of living like a human being - I have decided to use a few online services to show the BMC how it can all be done.

I start off with a group of people trying hard to solve common traffic problems like potholes, speed restrictions, roundabout routes and roadblocks. Their solution is simple: 'the whole surface of the Earth must be paved.' The site gets you access to their Usenet group, and also acts as a resource guide to valuable documents for those 'who wish to further this great work.'

By the way, they also have a splinter group committed to the thankless task of trying to chrome the moon. Because chroming 'offers a challenging driving surface, will give the Earth better illumination for driving at night, warn off aliens' and, most importantly, 'looks sparkly.'

And yes, let's just keep this chroming business between us, shall we? Letting the BMC in on it may lead to their calling a few board meetings, devouring snacks at our expense, and raising a huge sum of money to make some corporator very happy. The actual chroming will, obviously, never happen. Remember the 'all-roads-will-be-perfect-before-the-monsoons' promise?

Back to work, and solving more traffic problems. I have an idea that could save the Railways a lot of blame. They could hire Amtrek, the passenger railroad that puts the 'travail' back in travel. Among their many USPs, it's the Travel Planner that has me hooked. Where else can you get specials like the Smuggler's Limited (route of the Drug Enforcement Agency), or an Unconditional Service Guarantee (No fine print, just a simple promise).

An organisation strongly reminiscent of our good old, reliable, Central Railway, isn't it?

Another good idea: Why not replace all cars with VTOLs (Vertical Takeoff and Landing Vehicles) similar to the Moller Skycar manufactured by Moller International, in California? It can operate on land, on and under water, and in the air too. Just what city-dwellers need to tackle the kinds of terrain encountered in post-monsoon months.

On a more serious note, organisations like Clean Up The World comprise millions of people in over 100 countries, all working on clean-ups, recycling programs, and tackling environmental issues in a variety of ways. The solutions they come up with are undoubtedly a far cry from some inventions for the betterment of mankind that include electric windmills, waterproof teabags, wheelchairs with pedals, and fireproof matchsticks.

If all else fails to revive our deteriorating cities, I choose Forum 2000 as a last resort. It uses 'digital philosophers' to solve all sorts of problems. Yes, the advice comes for a reasonable price, but where else could you get answers to questions like 'Why do brakes squeal and violins sing?', 'Do sheep go to school?' and 'I've got a surprise for you. Can you guess what it is?'

Playing God doesn't help, I suppose. He or she would still be at the mercy of those men and women who make us pay for their cups of tea. I suspect the office has scores of Demotivation Posters like 'Apathy: If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.' Or, 'Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.'

If, on the other hand, these online services actually deliver the goods, I may just manage to do what we all want to so badly: make the BMC a redundant body.

Then again, haven't they always been one?



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