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ASK LOVE GURU: We want to live-in but...

By LOVE GURU
September 08, 2021 12:39 IST
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Relationship problems? Let Love Guru help.

Love Guru

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh/Rediff.com

If you are facing relationship issues -- and if you are in a relationship, you're facing issues -- we have someone you can discuss them with freely.

Meet Rediff.com's Love Guru, who says, 'I've been told I give some pretty great advice. And some people think I'm funny, so if I can give you a laugh or two after your girlfriend stuck a fork in your face, why the hell not?'

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

 

Dear Love Guru,
Why are live-ins considered so wrong in India?
My girlfriend, L, and I want to move in together but we know that if we do so, it will hurt our parents a lot.
But we are not ready for marriage yet.
What’s your advice?
D and L

Well, I’m not going to sit here and tell you to hurt your parents.

If you want to live together before getting married, that is a decision you both have to take as responsible adults; it’s not a decision someone else gets to make for you because of societal pressure.

Why it’s considered wrong in India or anywhere else is not the issue here; doing what is right for your own life is.

Attitudes do change with time and circumstances.

Speak to your parents about it and maybe they’ll come around eventually. If not, well, it’s still ultimately your call to make.

Dear Love Guru,
My parents want me to get married.
I really like this guy in our office and I think he likes me too.
We talk a lot and I like how he thinks. I like the way he talks about his family though I have never met them.
But my parents will not agree to our marriage because he is from a different state and not our exact caste.
I don’t want to marry a complete stranger.
What do I do?
Name withheld on request

I don’t think anybody wants to marry a total stranger!

First off, you need to tell your parents that. They cannot be forcing you to get hitched to a boy of their choice; this isn’t the Middle Ages.

And second, aren’t you jumping the gun a little about marriage to your colleague?

You’re not even in a relationship yet, even if there’s a mutual attraction. You need to see where that goes before deciding that you want to marry him.

So go ahead and dip your toes in the dating pool.

But before you do, I’d suggest you sit your parents down to have ‘the talk’. And leave the colleague out of it for now, or they will inadvertently draw the conclusion that it’s this boy who’s turned your head against an arranged match and will be prejudiced against him because of it.

Dear Love Guru,
Please don’t disclose my name.
I am a girl and I think I like girls. I don’t feel the same way about boys.
This frightens me. I don’t want to feel like this.
What do I do?
Name withheld on request

There’s no need to be frightened, my dear.

You’re very likely gay, and THAT’S OKAY. It’s not some fatal disease you have; it’s just that your sexual orientation is different. That said, it’s still normal.

You obviously seem to be struggling with coming to terms with this and I’d recommend that you start seeing a professional therapist.

S/he will be able to help you accept this fact about yourself and maybe help you broach the subject with your family as well.

There’s nothing wrong with you, so go easy on yourself.

Dear Love Guru,
Some of my closest friends are girls.
My girlfriend was okay with it earlier, but she is getting too possessive now.
She does not want me to hang out with my female friends but she is okay with my hanging out with my male friends.
I don’t have a romantic interest in these girls and nor do they have a romantic interest in me.
And I am not someone who will cheat.
How do I convince her?
Is this a good sign for the future?
Aditya

No, Aditya, it’s definitely not a good sign for the future. An overly possessive partner is a problem.

If she was okay with it earlier, she should be okay with it now.

You’re allowed to have friends of the opposite sex! And you shouldn’t have to convince her that you aren’t going to cheat on her; that means there is an inherent mistrust about you in her head already.

You can sit her down and speak to her about this problem.

If she’s willing to be reasonable about this, good for you. But from the sound of things, my hopes aren’t too high regarding this situation.

Just to be fair to her, however, I am going to put this out there -- I am assuming that you spend a reasonable amount of time with your girlfriend.

There are people who’d much rather be in the company of friends constantly and that is bound to upset their partners. So ensure that you’re spending enough quality time with her as well.

And if you are, and meeting your friends even a couple of times a month is still an issue, well, buddy, I’d say run for the hills.

Dear Love Guru,
I like flirting.
I’m not interested in a serious relationship right now but I am kind of seeing four boys.
They know this because I am not hiding it.
But two of them are getting upset and want to get serious.
I like things the way they are and don’t want to go through the jhanjat of finding another boy right now.
How do I tell them that flirting is healthy?
Ruvika

Ruvika, I think you have your lines slightly crossed.

Flirting is mainly superficial and for those who like to indulge casual attraction.

It doesn’t mean ‘kind of seeing’ someone, let alone four someones!

No dear, this definitely isn’t flirting. If you want to continue with these casual relationships, by all means do so, but with those who are in them for the same reasons as you.

I’d suggest breaking it off with the two boys who want to be in serious, committed relationships because you obviously don’t want that. It’s a better solution than trying to convince them to let you see other people at the side!


This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends, or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

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