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Love Guru: Lockdown Killed Our Sex Drive

By LOVE GURU
August 26, 2021 12:39 IST
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Meet Rediff.com's Love Guru, who says, 'I've been told I give some pretty great advice. And some people think I'm funny, so if I can give you a laugh or two after your girlfriend stuck a fork in your face, why the hell not?'

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru) .

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

 

Hi Love Guru.
Familiarity breeds contempt. In our case, familiarity is zero romance, zero libido.
As a young working couple, work from home has played havoc with our love life.
The long hours and being stuck with each other at home has resulted in romance flying out of our lives. I think we are fed up of seeing each other’s faces and the fights that always take place about cooking and chores.
Now, we both are in our night clothes unless there is a work related video call (and you know it’s only the waist above that matters for that).
We are sleeping in separate rooms most of the time. How can we rekindle our love life?
Krish

Dear Krish,

First off, you need to tackle what is at the root of the problem -- housework!

You should sit down together and come to an arrangement about sharing the responsibilities, one that doesn’t leave either partner feeling short-changed.

Both of you are working, and both of you need to pitch in equally for household chores too. Things should be a 50-50 arrangement.

Maybe a couple of weekend meals can be takeaways, so the two of you can relax a little more on your days off.

Second, since you’re both working from home, I’d suggest workstations in separate rooms. You obviously have the space, since you say you’re sleeping separately.

So stay out of each other’s hair in the daytime and come together at night so maybe the familiarity that is breeding so much contempt starts to wane a little.

Third, stop being slobs!

Just because you’re at home doesn’t mean you hang around in your pyjamas all day every day. No wonder the sex is non-existent!

Make the effort to change into a fresh set of clothes every morning, even if it’s just lounge pants and a t-shirt. Personal grooming is a must, pandemic or not!

And maybe some evenings you can step out for just a drive or a walk together? The lockdown doesn’t forbid that at the moment.

Or watch a movie on television with some nice food to go along; I know a lot of couples who are doing lockdown date nights at home once a week.

They order in, turn the dressing up just a notch and spend the evening holding hands on the couch with a glass of wine and a romcom.

Put all these suggestions to work and maybe things will find their rhythm at the end of a week or 10 days.

A little effort will go a long way in your case, Krish, believe me.

Dear Love Guru,
Right from the very beginning, I had problems in my marriage.
My marriage was an arranged one via Bengali matrimony, held 3-4 years back.
Just one month after our marriage, we consulted a psycho-sexologist as it was discovered that I was suffering from erectile dysfunction while having physical intercourse with my wife. She is also overweight, weighing in between 90-100 kgs.
We had no fruitful result.
As gynaecological treatments, including clinical and pathological tests are expensive, we delayed going to a gynaecologist.
In 2020, I lost my job when lockdown was prevailing.
Now I am self-employed but my monthly income after losing job has hit a low.
My wife is working in the private sector and also having another source of income. But she refuses to go to a gynaecologist as she doesn’t like anyone, including a doctor, to tell her that she is overweight.
She often misbehaves with me.
It seems that she wants a divorce but her family members do not approve of her decision as her younger brother, who is my only brother-in-law is going to get married in a year's time or so.
Moreover, it seems that they want me to propose the option of divorce first and not them.
What should I do?
Thanks and regards
Name withheld on request

Dear Anonymous,

Before jumping to several conclusions, speak to your wife. Ask her what she wants from this marriage, whether she even wants it at all.

Address why she won’t see a gynaecologist. Maybe her weight is a source of embarrassment to her and she needs some understanding and support from you in order to get up the courage to go to the doctor?

You suffer from erectile dysfunction; besides your own self-esteem taking a beating, hers must be too. She may feel like her husband is not sexually attracted to her because of her appearance.

Address these matters with each other directly.

If she doesn’t want the marriage, and you don’t seem to want it much either, just pull the plug on it in a dignified manner with a divorce by mutual consent instead of trying to get her pregnant!

Don’t complicate an already complicated situation by bringing children into it. That is not a solution; it is an added pressure.

And the brother getting married is the worst excuse I ever heard for dragging on with your own marriage. There’s no point flogging a dead horse, my dear, so stop playing games with each other and speak directly.

Enough is enough already, isn’t it?

Hey Love Guru
I find my husband’s friend cute and he is interested in me as well.
My husband is not that good-looking, not that fit and not that great in bed.
We don’t plan to have kids.
I’m very tempted to take it forward with his friend. It won’t harm anyone and it’s just sex.
What do you think?
R

What do I think? Really?

I think you shouldn’t be married if you want some fun on the side!

Not good-looking, not fit, not great in bed is all fine, but why’d you marry the poor chap in that case?

And this is not some random third person, it’s his friend you say. And then you add that it won’t harm anybody! Damn straight it will -- just not you, so you don’t really care!

So here’s what I think -- you need to pipe down, lady, and if your marriage is so unsatisfying to you, end it before moving on to other people.

Your husband deserves better, I think. From his wife AND from his friends!

Hi Love Guru.
How do you know a guy is right for you?
How do you know it’s love and not just attraction, especially if the guy is super-cute and super-hot?
Tracy

Hmmm. How do you know a guy is right for you?

You don’t, Tracy. Like every other fool in love, you take a chance.

And the crazy initial attraction doesn’t last -- it either makes way for love, or wears off. And yes, that can happen even with super-cute and super-hot guys!

Dear Love Guru
My girl broke up with me two years ago.
My parents want me to get married and keep bringing proposals.
It hurts my parents when I keep rejecting rishtas. It’s not that I don’t want to get married but I just don’t get the same feeling with anyone.
What do I do?
Anil

Anil, you’re not getting the same feeling for one of two reasons: either you’re not giving any one of these rishtas a real chance or you haven’t met someone else that you’re attracted to yet.

And if either is the case, instead of having your parents arrange a match for you, why don’t you take it upon yourself to find your life partner?

Start meeting women, start dating again and sooner or later you’re bound to run into someone you are interested in.

‘My parents want me to get married’ is no reason to marry.

What do you want? And more importantly, WHO do you want?

Find a girl first and maybe tell Mom and Dad to step off the gas pedal!


This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends, or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

Maybe your partner is the problem? Or maybe you are the problem and just don't know it. And need Rediff.com's Love Guru to tell you just that.

So if you feel you want some personal advice, do write in to getahead@rediff.co.in (Subject: Ask Love Guru).

If you wish to remain anonymous, do let us know and your name won't be disclosed when publishing responses to your queries.

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