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This article was first published 1 year ago  » Getahead » ASK ANU: 'My Ex-Boyfriend Manipulated Me For Sex'

ASK ANU: 'My Ex-Boyfriend Manipulated Me For Sex'

December 20, 2022 12:54 IST
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In this weekly self-help series, mental health and life coach Anu Krishna tells you how to take control of your life.

Illustration: Dominic Xavier/

Is your relationship causing you stress?

Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?

You are not alone!

Mind/life coach, NLP trainer and mental health guru Anu Krishna wants you to talk about your problems.

Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.

Dear readers, if you have a question for Anu, please e-mail it to (Subject: Ask ANU) for her advice.

Meanwhile, here's the unedited excerpt from Anu's latest offline session with readers:

BT: Hello Anu, I need your advice related to my career.
I am at the age of 52 and have been working from the age of 24. Till date haven't been a successful employee.
I have been changing jobs on and off just for the betterment of my career and moreover my family.
Recently I had been to Africa for job and was not satisfied with the company working and culture.
At the start of the job and after landing at Africa the scene was good and later on everything changed and I had to forcefully leave the country.
Currently I have moved to Rajkot and also have purchased a flat of own with EMI options.
My son and my daughter are very helpful and have assured me not to be tensed and they are always there to take care and will clear off the EMI liability.
Please advise me as to what should I do to have a stable career.

Dear BT,

It’s nice that your children have assured you, but this may not allow them to go ahead with their lives.

Maybe it’s time for you to take a step back and evaluate what exactly happens at each job or assignment.

You may never be able to change your external environment, but certainly you can change the way you think or act on it.

Are you being hasty and changing jobs because of high expectations from the job or an ideal work environment?

At times, it takes a lot of resilience to stick with challenges and pressures from the top management to thrive in a work scenario.

Now that you are back in India and have begun to reflect on what is going on, maybe it’s time to look at other working options.

After the pandemic, hybrid and work from home models are becoming widely accepted ways of delivering job responsibilities.

Also, you may want to look at Freelancing if your field of expertise can make this option lucrative for you.

You can also look at consulting which given your span of career may also be a good career option.

Whatever you choose, challenges are going to a part of it.

I can only suggest that you work on a mindset change and treat these challenges as growth paths else you will continue to feel sorry for yourself and forget that: Change from within for a better outcome is the only thing that lets you sail through challenges and makes you a well-rounded person.

All the best!

SD: Hi Anu, I want to be anonymous on this.
I'm 34years old and married 4.5months ago. It was an arranged marriage, we are from different caste.
I'm a partial handicap person; I have issues with my leg.
I am having issues with my wife's behaviour and I am looking for some consultation.
During the initial conversations before marriage, she agreed on everything -- cooking, keeping me at bay on all works.
I even informed, I don't like people who get angry and instead I like to discuss the issue and get it sorted out.
But after marriage everything changed. From Day 1, she got angry on very little things like not giving hug/not drinking milk, using the phone while eating, laughing with colleagues while working or even if I cooked without informing.
Getting angry is fine but she locks herself in a room for 5-10 hours and won't even respond to me. That irritates me the most.
If by chance the door is open and when I enter, she won't see me and just go away like I'm some sort of stranger.
I explained a lot but conveying this is wrong and it hurts me a lot, but still she does the same.
I cried like a baby when I held her for not allowing her to leave the room.
This has become a habit. In 4.5 months this happened for 2-3 months.
My parents came home recently. Even during that time when we went out she got angry on a few things. I am not sure what it was about.
When I am with family, I should respond to their needs but can't stay with her completely right?
Why she can't understand it?
I have to plead with her 1-2 hours to talk to me on the issue and then she tells me 'I did this/that and due to this, she got angry like the one I gave example above.
She doesn't wake up till 8:30 or 9am. She won't cook or help me with household activities. And even when my mom came to teach her cooking, she didn't go. But in general, she says I want to learn cooking and especially learn what my husband likes.
How much I can do? I'm getting frustrated with this behaviour and even informed her 'You're making me afraid to talk to you thinking what might get you angry.'
Still no use. 
Please help me.

Dear SD,

I have heard your side of the story but haven’t heard your wife on the same issue.

It seems the way you have described that your wife’s behaviour is unreasonable and selfish.

But I do believe that it takes two to tango.

What ever made her turn around differently from what she agreed upon before marriage?

Was she forced into this marriage?

Maybe it’s time to ask her:

What can I do for you?

What about me or my behaviour annoys you?

These questions shift from blame game to a solution space where you also take on the onus along with her to make the marriage work.

Obviously, something isn’t going on right and instead of bringing more instances that will prove that she’s at fault, why not bring in a space where the two of you work on your marriage.

Most times, just a shift in this thinking saves marriages and relationships.

All the best!

SS: Hello Dear Anu Ma'am,
I wish to remain anonymous as my family reads this page too.
I'm 25 years old and work for a multinational IT giant.
I don't earn much but I'm happy with my job. I'm a workaholic and I don't mind working for even 16-17 hours a day just to keep myself sane.
My parents are highly educated, have good jobs, are caring and do EVERYTHING for me physically. But, there is no such thing as 'love' or 'emotion' in my house.
I have never known the meaning of happiness and love.
Everything looks normal on the outside, but inside my dad does not treat my mom well, he always makes fun of her and disrespects her. He is cold and distant from me as well. I don't even remember the last time things were alright at home.
Sometimes he even abuses my mom physically and because of this, she left her reputable job and now stays at home. My brother and I have stopped talking to my dad fully.

I have been in a relationship with multiple men, including a married man, but was never actually interested in them.
They all got frustrated with my behaviour after a few months and the relationships ended.
I never understood why I keep on getting into relationships when I never like them. I never understood why I can't say "no" to someone. I am a people pleaser.
I cannot stand up for myself and I have zero self confidence. All my so-called ex-boyfriends manipulated me for sex and I kept thinking it was love.
I lose interest the moment they talk about sex.
I always used to wonder why I am not like other girls -- they are confident, they can say "no" to a guy they don't like, they make the right decisions, they have female friends but I don't have any. I used to think why only I am weird.
My mom also likes my brother more and does not treat me that nicely. Although she is nice to me most of the time, she keeps on mocking and belittling me like 'good girls like plants and nature.. I have never seen you in our garden. This shows what kind of a girl you are, you're useless, you're good for nothing. I feel like slapping you all the time, your face is like that, anyone would want to slap you" and many more such things.
It confuses me. I still don't understand if my parents love me or not.
My brother is on my mom's side. He never treats me well or respects me. My mind is always in a state of confusion and fear.
I keep getting into embarrassing situations because of my low self confidence and inability to say NO.
I recently realised I am like this because of my father, after reading an article on 'absent father and how it affects daughters', I got to know that when a father doesn't love his daughter, she becomes promiscuous and has very low self confidence.
I cried for hours after reading it. I was shocked and even more traumatised because i thought parents were supposed to love their children.
But it gave me some relief that all this is not my fault.
Now, I have stopped blaming my parents for the way I am (even if they are the cause) and I've decided to improve my life by distancing myself from them.
I have made up my mind and I can see some changes in myself. But I still can't say "no" very loudly and clearly.
I say it in a low voice and hesitantly, so people take advantage of me. I strongly believe that I will learn to say no. I am determined.
That said, the main problem now is - there is immense grief, guilt and shame in my mind which I'm not able to get out.
I feel terrible about myself all the time, like I'm a cheap, characterless woman.
I know that is not actually my personality but I still have such thoughts. I even tried therapy but it has not helped much.
Can you please help me ma'am?

Dear SS,

Well, there is a neat pattern playing out in your family system.

The women in the house don’t stand up for themselves and the men act like they are entitled to the point of disrespecting and making the women submit to them.

You can see how this is playing out in you and your mother and in your father and your brother or even the way your mother treats you and your brother differently. Very neat gender-divide and gender inequality under the roof of a family system.

This is how emotional states in a growing child who is at the receiving end get eroded to a point that they grow up to make poor choices with regard to their life partner or that growing child who is entitled to act like they need to have it all.

Both are not healthy and when they co-exist in the same house, you can see for yourself what is happening.

It is most certain that your choice of men and to maintain boundaries with them does have a lot to do with the relationship between you and your father. But what’s happened, has; you can’t change the past and keep playing the victim.

Instead, lay out how your life could change for the better if you took charge of it and stepped up.

Call the shots beyond all the blaming and move on. It isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible too!

Work with a therapist who can not only empathise but also is someone who can take you off the victim mode and who enables you to TAKE CHARGE! Your choices create your life…

Best wishes!

Anu Krishna is a mind coach, author and co-founder, Unfear Changemakers LLP. She's an NLP Trainer (National Federation of Neuro Linguistic Programming, NFNLP, USA), Energy Work Specialist (Institute for Inner Studies, Manila), Executive Member of Indian Association of Adolescent Health (M.I.A.A.H) and Member of Quality Circle Forum of India (QCFI). She has authored the self-coaching book: The Secret of Life – Decoding Happiness.

Please Note: The questions and answers in this advisory are published to help the individual asking the question as well the large number of readers who read the same.

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Please always seek the guidance of your doctor or a qualified health professional with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition. Do not ever disregard the advice of a medical professional, or delay in seeking it because of something you have read herein.

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