Why Do Men Ghost After Sex?

rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, CEO, Quack Quack, explains how to get over the embarrassment of being ghosted by someone you got intimate with.

The day after you get intimate with someone is a day of awkwardness, hope and vulnerability.

You wait for your partner to be the first to text or call.

But what if the call/text never comes? If you are ghosted after that night?

Is it normal for your dating partner to vanish after they've got intimate with you?

How does one get over the feeling of being betrayed?

The person's "decision to disappear is a reflection of his nature, not yours," counsels rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, CEO, Quack Quack, an online dating Web site.

• You can post your dating and relationship related questions to rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE

Anonymous: Why do men ghost after sex?
I met this amazing guy on Hinge. He was 27, well-mannered and worked in a data firm in Mumbai.
We spoke daily for three months and had amazing chemistry. From music to food, we discussed everything under the sun.
We went on a couple of dates to get to know each other. When we got comfortable, we got intimate and eventually had consensual sex at his friend's house party.
One week after we got intimate, he just vanished. No replies, no calls.
It was my first time so I kept wondering if I had done something wrong to upset him.
My friend says it could be post-intimacy guilt. But I feel embarrassed, ashamed.
I can't shake off the shame. Did I move too fast?
Is this how dating works now? How can I go back to feeling normal again?

Dear Anonymous, I am really sorry you are going through this. What happened is just as confusing as it is hurtful.

Let's get one thing straight: You did nothing wrong. You are not at fault here. Nothing you could've done or said should or could cause this reaction.

Coming to your first question, it is very difficult to answer it without generalising all men.

But the reason for this could be: He got what he wanted. It sounds crass but, in most cases, this is the truth. He had no intentions of being more than just that.

He might be avoiding responsibility. He didn't want more. The mature thing would have been to sit down and have that discussion with you. But maturity isn't easy and he chose the easy route, that is to ghost.

His decision to disappear is a reflection of his nature, not yours.

Coming to what your friend said, it could be that too but the chances are slim. Some men do feel overwhelmed but disappearing for over a week is a stretch. Again, it's his unreadiness to feel so many emotions, not yours.

Now, I want to gently nudge you towards one thing: You said you feel ashamed.

Shame creeps in when you hold yourself accountable for someone else's actions. And also due to societal prejudice. Keep both aside and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Did you move too fast? To be honest, there is no fast or slow in these things. There’s no set timeline.

You did what you felt was right in the moment. And you were ready to step up but he went MIA (missing in action).

The entire unfortunate turnout is not because of your pace but his lack of respect.

Even if he comes up with a good enough reason for this disappearing act, I still want you to remember that not even for a second did you do anything to create this situation.

I hope this helps.

• You can post your questions to rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE.

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