There are no bad children, just bad behaviour, insists Bhavana Nagendra.
Is your child cranky, stubborn?
Does s/he struggle to get along with his/her peers at school?
It's perfectly normal for children to go through a certain bout of emotions at home, at school and among their peers or when they are at a public event.
Children often learn about their identity, family and social interactions from their interactions with their primary caregivers. We can use this to model collaboration, empathy, awareness and resilience to children.
When dealing with children, parents must avoid a few common mistakes like indulging the kid with too many things/accessories or stepping in to do things for them on their behalf.
Parents must also try and avoid encouraging competition over collaboration wherever possible, and also discourage attitude driven by a lack of something or someone.
By making a few changes at home, parents can encourage better behaviour in their kids at school:
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1. Learn when to say 'No.'
For every ask, having a want versus need line of questioning and discussion with them would be good. It would be good to model setting limits by saying 'No' when children demand every little thing they lay their sights on.
Setting boundaries can be even more effective when we include them in the process and give them the autonomy to decide how much can be too much.
For example, if a child insists on buying a particular toy and the parent senses that not buying it might lead to a tantrum that the parent would like to avoid, then chances are the parent would succumb.
Instead of buying the toy, the parent might want to acknowledge the child's want and then help the child understand why the parent disagrees with the toy and/or agrees to an alternate arrangement.
"That's a great choice. Can we add this to your birthday list?" This helps encourage delayed gratification and, more importantly, enough time to reflect on whether they need the toy.
2. Make it fun to problem-solve by creating opportunities to work within restraints.
For children to thrive in school, conflict management is essential.
Parents can create scenarios of limited resources being available at home and encourage children to problem-solve how everyone at home can efficiently and effectively use these.
For example, if a child cannot climb something at the park and is beginning to give up and whine, the parent might want to help the child make the obstacle they are facing a game to solve rather than assist them up to the top.
3. Enable children to be self-reliant by allowing independence and autonomy to develop self-confidence and self-esteem.
Encourage self-reliance in children by creating an opportunity to be independent and exercise autonomy in activities involving their personal care and daily chores.
For example, the parent may want to incorporate a few things throughout the day that the child may decide on and do independently, such as choosing their clothes and wearing them, serving their portion and eating it, packing their bags and the like.
4. Encourage collaboration and teamwork
Involve children in small tasks around the house. Understanding and collaborative efforts at home will encourage similar behaviour with other children at school.
For example, identify chores around the house that can be done as a family, like doing the laundry.
Doing laundry can be divided into multiple smaller steps, such as collating all the clothes, soaking them or loading them in the washing machine, drying, ironing and sorting them to be put back into the respective wardrobes.
This could be divided among parents and children to encourage teamwork and collaboration.
5. Spend quality time with them
Make it count even if you have only 5 minutes on a particular day. Be fully present without any distractions.
Children thrive when they feel well-connected with their caregivers. They can better express themselves when they feel a sense of safety and acceptance.
This becomes especially important when parents want to address challenging behaviours displayed by them at school.
For example, depending on the schedule of the parents and children, parents may schedule quality connection time that is unstructured and focuses on the expression of feelings rather than structured activity.
These can be planned after long durations of separation, such as after school, as the first thing in the morning when they wake up, after a travel that your children weren't a part of and the like.
6. Help children focus on learning driven by excellence rather than learning for competing.
Extreme pressure over winning can be stressful for children. Shifting their focus towards the joy of learning, be it academics, sports or music, helps children excel in the field.
For example, if a child enjoys dancing and has expressed interest in learning, the parents can find a space that helps the child develop the skill rather than focus on learning for quick stage performances.
7. Use positive reinforcement to create awareness of children's feelings towards a changed behaviour rather than praise or reward.
When you encounter your child's modelling, empathy, love, collaboration, gratitude and creative problem-solving abilities, reflect on your observation without relaying your conclusion or praise and ask them how they felt about it.
For example, if a child who had difficulty sharing showed a positive behaviour change, then the parent need only state what was observed and ask the child what it felt like to share -- 'I saw you shared your snack with Kiara. How do you feel about it?'.
8. Ensure all the caregivers in the child's life work as a team.
There are multiple caregivers in a child's life -- parents, grandparents, teachers, special educators, counsellors and even nannies.
It would be a good idea to create a channel for discussing the issues faced by the child, how best to work towards a healthy solution and providing constructive feedback for improvising or changing the course of action.
For example, parents and teachers may want to understand the child's growth and development through constructive feedback and work together on helping the child with their challenges and creating opportunities to enhance the skills they are passionate about.
Remember, there are no bad children, just bad behaviour. Behaviour can be changed through modelling, habit creation and reinforcing positive behaviour.
When we move from the perspective of teaching children to facilitate their learning, we parent from a space of awareness, courage and contentment that helps develop children's ability to empathise, love, collaborate, be grateful and creatively problem-solve.
If children consistently display difficult behaviour, then reach out to a child psychologist to get timely help to enable the child to overcome any deeply embedded issues underlying the challenging behaviour.
Bhavna Nagendra is a certified lifecoach and founder of Svadhyaya Learning Space.
- Post your parenting-related questions to parenting experts rediffGURUS Dr Aarti Bakshi HERE and Aruna Agarwal HERE
Feature Presentation: Ashish Narsale/Rediff.com
