'Husband Doesn't Lock Door During Sex'

'A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence; it means respect,' says rediffGURU Kanchan Rai, founder, Let Us Talk Foundation.

Do you feel uncomfortable sharing your personal space?

Does it bother you when your in-laws walk into the room unannounced when you're having a private moment/conversation?

Does your partner constantly dismiss your need for privacy and expect you to 'adjust' and understand his situation?

rediffGURU Kanchan Rai, mind coach and founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, explains why it is not okay to suppress your discomfort and need for privacy.

• You can post your relationship-related questions to rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE.

Anonymous: My husband doesn't lock the door when we have s**. This was the main reason for his ex-wife to divorce him.
His parents feel that it is safer to keep the door unlocked in case of emergencies. But honestly, I feel awkward. I am not comfortable.
Once his sister casually walked in to pick up some stuff, ignoring us on the bed.
I was clothed but it still made me feel uncomfortable.
We don't have a private bedroom but we use the (common) bed at night.
There are two shared wardrobes in the room that people need to access.
I have explained this to my husband but he says I need to learn to adjust and work around it.
Even if the door is closed, I always fear that someone might just walk in. What to do?

This is not a small preference issue. This is about personal boundaries and bodily autonomy.

Even if nothing 'bad' has happened, the fear of being walked in on is enough to make your body stay tense. That anxiety alone can affect your sense of dignity, desire and emotional security. The fact that his ex-wife divorced him over the same issue tells you that this pattern is longstanding and not something you are imagining.

Your husband and his parents may frame this as 'safety' or 'emergency access' but that argument does not hold when weighed against your right to privacy.

Emergencies are rare; violations of comfort are happening now.

A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence; it means respect.

Many families manage emergencies with simple alternatives like knocking, calling out or keeping keys for true emergencies.

What's happening instead is that your need for privacy is being minimised and you are being asked to suppress your discomfort for the convenience of others.

The incident with his sister casually entering is especially important. Even though you were clothed, your body registered that as a boundary breach. The fact that it was brushed off is likely reinforcing your fear that this could happen again.

Over time, this can quietly erode trust and sexual comfort, not because you're 'overthinking' but because your nervous system is constantly on alert.

You need to shift the conversation with your husband away from 'adjustment' and towards non-negotiable boundaries.

This isn't about arguing logic; it's about stating a clear emotional and physical limit. You might say something like: 'I cannot feel safe or comfortable being intimate without privacy. This isn't something I can adjust to. If intimacy continues without a locked door, I will start avoiding it -- not out of punishment but because my body feels unsafe.'

That's not a threat. That's honesty.

If the room layout is genuinely impractical, then the solution is not for you to tolerate discomfort but for the household to change logistics -- restricted access at night, fixed timings or creating a private space.

Privacy is a shared responsibility, not a burden placed on one person to endure.

If your husband continues to dismiss this after you clearly express it, that's a deeper issue than doors. It signals a lack of attunement to your emotional safety and that deserves serious attention, possibly with a counsellor, especially given that this issue has already broken a marriage before.

You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for respect.

• You can post your relationship-related questions to rediffGURU Kanchan Rai HERE.

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