'I tried approaching her and she yelled at me'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on September 8 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi there, people...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started...
anita asked, hi sir, I am into a reltnship nd Bf has no time for me always he says he is buzy for which I loose my anger and thr is always fight. Bt I realy love him a lot but he really don't have any time for me for which I am tensed up. Sir please explain me how can I express my feeling to him. Need your guidance as I have a fear of loosing him as my parents are looking for a suitable partner for me.
Love Guru answers, His not spending time with you and your parents looking for a suitable partner are two separate problems -- and the latter is one you'll have to tackle yourself, Anita, if that's not what you want. Now about his being busy, I have only your perspective -- I don't know whether you are being overly clingy or he is consciously avoiding you and finding time for everything else besides you. So I want you to take an objective view of his life and analyse whether he genuinely cares for you and is just really busy, or doesn't bother with you at all. If that is the case, then I really think you should give him a break. If, on the other hand, someone doesn't give you priority at all, then you aren't a priority and no amount of fighting is going to change that. So you need to go over this situation yourself and conclude which of the two it really is. And if it's not really his fault, I think it would be better if you spent the time you do get with him in harmony, instead of fighting constantly. Else what's left in the relationship?
raj asked, One of my friend wants to marry a girl who is divorced after 3 months of marriage and had two love affairs before that. How do i tell my friend its going to be disaster for him....The biggest point is he is not ready to listen
Love Guru answers, I can understand your concern, Raj, but you need to understand that this is your friend's decision. And you don't really don't know this girl at all -- frankly, in my opinion two boyfriends before marriage is quite normal, so I don't know why you're so wound up about that. And you don't know what went wrong with her marriage either. I would say stop trying to tell your friend how to lead his life, or you will lose him. And it will be your fault, not his wife's! Try and get to know this girl and give her a real chance instead of going by what you've heard.
Karti asked, Hello LG! Hope you are doing fine and not smitten by the love bug and have a cool head to advice people :) My GF gives me so much of confusing signals I really wonder how to decipher them..We started our relationship almost 5 years back.. first 2 years it was good.. then lots of fights happened and many misunderstandings..we almost parted ways..but we keep speaking every day..now she claims I am her "soulmate"..can't make out..we both are not attached with anyone else so far.. do you think I still have a hope in this relationship? So confusing.. making me wonder why Love is so complicated..
Love Guru answers, Speaking every day doesn't imply you're in a relationship but it's not as complicated as you make it out to be at all, Karti. If you've been able to get past the fights and still love each other and don't want to look elsewhere for a relationship, it's working -- isn't that simple enough?
avi asked, hi... i loved a girl who is my near relative and she too did...after a year our parents agreed for our marriage, but later she said me that she is in love with her close friend and she dont want to marry anyone... Now i dont talk to her but our parents dont know about all this... wat to do?
Love Guru answers, If she wants to call off your marriage and she's sure of that, I think you should tell both sets of parents that she's changed her mind. How long does she think she can go on without letting them know? It's not like you backed out -- she fell for someone else. So don't stress about how to handle this particular situation with the family.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
Image: 'I tried approaching her and she yelled at me'
'I think I'm gay, but I don't want to be'
avi asked, but our parents think we just had a fight... n we will make it back as i havent revealed... to them
Love Guru answers, Well, maybe you should reveal to them that she's called off the relationship -- you don't have to say why. Tell them to approach her with that question.
Rajesh asked, hi i am in love with a girl from past 4 years. we are getting married in feb 2012. but recently i meet one of my old school friend and i fell in love with her too. please advise what to do!!!
Love Guru answers, Rajesh, are you sure that what you're experiencing for your school friend isn't just an infatuation? It's someone new, a fresh relationship and thrilling because it's probably a secret. But think objectively -- even if you were to call off your wedding and get together with this friend, four years from now the relationship with her would be as routine as your present one. And that is presuming it all worked out, isn't it? You can't change your mind overnight about who your partner for life is going to be, can you? Unless you were in a relationship that you somehow knew was wrong for you all along.
aman asked, Hi. I am in love with a married woman. Me 2 m married. We had a short fling when we both met on a training. We kept contact after that for abt a year only on phone. But now she doesnot let me meet her. And she says ki we should forget whatever happened. But i have started feeling that i love her. what to do?
Love Guru answers, It's exactly what you said -- a short fling. And it's over, at least from her side. Look at it realistically, you both are married, where was the relationship going anyway? Be thankful that it didn't have an impact on your family and move on. Focus on improving things with your wife, make your home a happy one so you don't have to go looking for love outside.
S asked, What I have for you today , is not a problem but more of a normal question which needs a suggestion. I am in an excellent marriage. It has been two months but was a love marriage. My delimma is whether to take her out on frequent monthly trips around India or to wait and save money to spend on a nice Diwali vacation out of India? She has never been outside India in her life. She is okay and happy with either, but at times a second opinion is good. I know you are probably busy with more important questions but still stuck on this delimma since a while now. Your input would be great.
Love Guru answers, Well, this is a first! Look, if it were me, I would save and plan a trip abroad. Not that India doesn't have beautiful destinations to offer, but experiencing new cultures is a refreshing, fabulous thing and I'm sure it will thrill your wife, since she has never been abroad.
Sin asked, hi love guru ! hope u r fine i m 24 old guy well build good looking working in MNC. i have inclination towards guys but i really want to stop it. in between i was in physical relationship with my friends. i want to discontinue these things . i dont want to maintain such relation just bcoz it is not natural. i m little bit inclined towrds female. i m trying to improve. please advice.
Love Guru answers, If you try to conform to what other people consider 'normal' all your life, you'll never be truly happy. Are you sure your inclination to women isn't forced? Look, I'd suggest you visit a therapist who can help you cope with and understand your sexual orientation over progressive sessions.
Image: 'I think I'm gay, but I don't want to be'
'He cheated and was an alcoholic, but now he's cleaned up his act -- should I take him back?'
Vinay asked, Its been 5 years since I have been married. In the initial years, my wife used to complain that I am not romantic at all. I agree. Now she's given up. Is there any way that I can turn romantic and sound sincere?
Love Guru answers, If you can't say it, Vinay, you can show it in other ways. Giving her flowers once in awhile, taking her out to a nice restaurant for a romantic dinner now and then -- these gestures will show her that you are in love and can be romantic. And it really doesn't take much to buy a bouquet or make dinner reservations and then surprising her!
manis asked, Hi Love guru. my gf recently said I have never loved you. Infact i have pretended love with u. I am blank . we were in love from past 3 years. not sure y she did this to me
Love Guru answers, I think she meant to hurt your feelings -- and she succeeded. If she really meant what she said, it was a relationship of convenience for her, but that's something only you really know. Analyse the past -- were you always more keen in the relationship? When she upset you, did she ever seem genuinely repentant about it? Did she often seem bored or did she take advantage of you frequently? If the answer to all these questions is a 'no', I think she said what she did to get to you, to hurt you. And that's probably because she was angry and hurt herself. If, on the other hand, in retrospect, you find that you were bending over backwards for this girl, I think it's best it ended. Move on.
nisha asked, should i get back with my ex BF? he cheated on me and was an alcoholic too. But he has been into rehab and cleaned up his act. Shud I give him a chance?
Love Guru answers, That is up to you. How long since he's been clean? Don't get back just yet -- tell him you want to see the change in him before you give him a chance. Wait for a few months to pass -- see how he handles himself. If he's serious about turning his life around, you'll know. If he's not, you'll save yourself a lot of unnecessary heartache.
Plzhelp asked, I had a huge crush on one girl in my office but she was there in other group. I tried to interact with her but only found couple of occasion to meet her for a short time. One day I develop courage and ask her in a very polite manner that it may sounds crazy but I want to share something with u...but before sying I want to know whether u r single...with this she became very angry and started saying lots of things including i am not professional and i come here for work. I just keep queit said I am really sorry if it has disturbed u...after that i just never tried to interact with her...in entire process i distrubed a lot. My intension was very pure by mind and heart. Now I do not know how react whenever i she her.
Love Guru answers, I'm sorry, but I think you blew it. I've said this a hundred times and I'll say it again -- approaching a woman with romantic intentions when you don't know her at all means that you are going to face outright rejection. However pure your intentions, you have to know that no woman likes or appreciates unwanted attention from someone she barely knows. I can understand that you're hurt and embarrassed, but I think trying to approach her again will only upset her further and in turn upset you. Forget it happened and move on.
Shilpa asked, Hello LG , I got married when I was really young. But I was not ready for a relationship and I was still studying. Perhaps, my husband lost interest in me. We are no more than two friends staying in the same house. I have got a proposal from one of my friends, whom I know for a couple of years. I am confused. What should I be doing?
Love Guru answers, Well, at least you're two friends in the same house and not two warring enemies! I think your husband and you need to sit down and discuss your marriage, how happy you both are in it, where you see it going. If neither of you has any romantic inclinations towards the other, what's the point? It's only a matter of time before one of you has an affair. And I think before that happens and things take a turn for the worse, you need to figure out what to do.
Image: 'He cheated and was an alcoholic, but now he's cleaned up his act -- should I take him back...'
'I don't want to have sex often as I feel it will spoil my body'
Mona asked, Me and my BF had sex once. Now My BF always wants to have sex, whereas i am not interested to have sex that frequently as it will spoil my body and will make me look like a married lady with sagged body, what to do???
Love Guru answers, It will spoil your body? Whoever gave you that ridiculous idea? Mona, if you don't want to have sex for other reasons, I can understand. But please let me tell you that you are under a completely false impression about sex spoiling your body! In fact, it's like a form of exercise and tones the body. Why, just this week former fitness guru Jane Fonda, who's now in her 70s, credited an active sex life for her youthful looks! Look her up!
krish asked, Dear Love guru..I have to decide between two girls..Both are dashing and smart.But one is more talkative and I can have very intelligent conversation, but she has a lots of complex. Another doesn't speak as much, simple yet very loving.. who should I choose as my life partner? Both are equally affectionate..am unable to decide..
Love Guru answers, The girl you love more, and who you are more compatible with in the long run is the one for you.
ibm asked, i helped a girl to recovr from her first love failieur.after that we both wehere in love again but now she again went with that old boy and she told me that i am just friend with him............ how to handle this situation???
Love Guru answers, Tell her that the least she can do after the way you stood by her is to tell you the truth. If she wants to be with him inspite of him breaking her heart once before, that's her call. But you want no part of it -- and let her know that if he does it again, you're not going to be around to help her pick up the pieces again. If she wants to be a doormat, that's her call -- but you won't be one.
kumarankur asked, love guru my prob is that i loved a a girl but he is into a long distance relationship with some other boy.she used to talk with me for hours,but one day i abused her on phone.now she dont talk to me.but she looks at me.now i dont know what to do.plz help me.
Love Guru answers, She was in a relationship with someone else from the start. And you knew that, so even if she spoke to you for hours it's because you wanted her to as well! You were quite silly to abuse her like that and I'm not surprised that she stopped talking to you. Apologise for your behaviour, but remember -- being friends, even close friends, does not mean she's going to leave him for you. If you can accept being just friends, that's fine. If not, I'd say apologise for your behaviour anyway but don't get so close that you burn your fingers again. Easier said than done, I know, but if you start dating other women you'll be able to strike the right balance.
Rajib asked, Hi i m in love with my college mate for the last 5-6 yrs.We are in same company now working.We two have the same frequency and understand each other.She loves me very much. But somehow I find something missing in her but since we are in the same company I thought that I will marry her.But recently in the past 6 months one of my good frnds who was once my dream girl 6 year back proposed me and her family also approached me to marry her if I desire.Please suggest becoz I am in great dilema and dont know what to do
Love Guru answers, What exactly do you find missing in her? Were you in this relationship only because it was convenient? If so, that was the wrong reason to lead someone on -- you say yourself that she dearly loves you and understands you. I would say weigh your decision very, very carefully Rajiv -- you may have liked this other girl six years ago, but do you think you're completely compatible with her? Will she keep you happy for the rest of your life? Have you always harboured feelings for her but settled for someone else because you never thought you'd have her? Think it over -- and using both head and heart, make the right decision. If you listen to both and strike the right balance, you'll have the answer to your question. And unfortunately, one of them is going to be hurt either way, but you need to be completely honest with them and yourself.
Love Guru says, Time's up, people...till next week, goodbye and take care!
Image: 'I don't want to have sex often as I feel it will spoil my body'