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'He divorced for me, but I'm not sure I want him'

Last updated on: July 29, 2011 15:10 IST

'He divorced for me, but I'm not sure I want him'



Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on July 28 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.

Love Guru says, Hi there folks and welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started...

vikas asked, Hello love guru, I know a girl she is from my city and is divorcee, I came in contact with her through net, we were from the same batch of college but never knew each other before out net introduction. I have taken here for date, and i some what feel that we both have attraction towards each other. Her age is 31 and am also of the same age and am married. I have disclosed her that am married and father of one. Please help me how to move forward to know her intention and proceed with relationship.My present marriage is total failure. What do you suggest - how can we get more closer.

Love Guru answers, Instead of getting closer to her, why not uncomplicate the situation by taking a call on your marriage first? I don't need to tell you what you're doing is wrong, Vikas -- even if your marriage isn't working out, don't you think you owe it to your wife and child to sort out the home issues? An amicable separation, or divorce would be far better than being accused of cheating and parting with your wife on bad terms, isn't it? Especially since it will affect your child the most. The choice is yours -- do the right thing.

Rani asked, Hi LG,I am 34 yrs old and a working woman. Got divorced ten years ago from a painful marriage and living with parents and have no children. They are old and I have to support them as well.Four years ago, I fell for this guy who was still married. We had a good understanding, but since I felt no future in that relationship, I was depressed for awhile.I came across another man who gave me lot of happiness and relief from my depression, which the other man didn't like and complicated it by interfering. Now, he's got divorced as well and wants to marry me, but I find it difficult to go back to my olden days and accept him whole heartedly. Am confused what to do next. Please suggest.

Love Guru answers, You're not sure of your first boyfriend -- and let me tell you, his divorcing his wife was his own doing, not yours. Or he'd have left her when he was still seeing you at the side. He probably just got jealous that you moved on with someone else, but that's not your problem. You don't owe him anything, even if he claims to have gotten divorced for you. And you've already been in one bad marriage, you should know what happens when you get into a relationship that you don't want. Stick with the man who made you happy -- he genuinely cares for you.

asks asked, I am a married female of 32 years. I am attracted to a person of almost the same age of me in my work organization. My husbad is outside India on long term. That guy at my work place also speks to me nicely as a collegue but some times i feel tht he too is attracted. How to confirm this and also i feel to share my attraction to him, that i like him. what to do? plz help.

Love Guru answers, Your marriage has enough strain on it being long-distance and your office affair will not only make that worse, it will also affect your professional life. The choice is yours -- either add fuel to the fire by pursuing your colleague or sort out what you really want from your marriage and your life. And speaking to you nicely doesn't necessarily imply that he's attracted to you.

anupam2 asked, Hai Love Guru How are you ? Well I was in love with a girl when I was in 12th. She loved me too but was scared of her father. I too was scared of him coz he is a big man with mustache. 10 years have passed and I can't live without her or stop thinking of her. I am still afraid of her dad. I will die if I don't get her. please help me !!!

Love Guru answers, Dude, how many times have I got to answer the same question for you? Go back to previous transcripts of the past one month on the website and search for your answer there, because I posted it not once but twice!

vikas asked, Loveguru, i have thought a lot for this, i dont want to spoil my childs future. I have talked to my wife. she even feels the same that our marriage is not working - as she is quiet understanding. But in simple words - at this age living without sex is very difficult. I dont want to get divorceed because i care for my child. but living with this situation is even not possible

Love Guru answers, Well, I'm glad to hear that your wife and you have spoken of this. But Vikas, staying in an unhappy marriage for your child's sake is not the solution to your problem -- children who grow up in an environment where the parents don't get along would find it even tougher to cope than those from broken homes. And think about what example you're setting to him/her, of what a marriage should be like. If it's only a sexual problem that your wife and you have and there's no other trouble in the marriage, I would advise visiting a marriage counsellor and a sex specialist.

Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

Image: 'He divorced for me, but I'm not sure I want him'


'My husband only cares for his career, I'm stuck alone in this marriage'

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lovehot asked, hi LG i m married 6 yrs back in love my wife very much. i met a gal on net a year ago and she is now very much in love with me even when i told her that i m already married. also few months back i ex gf met and expressed her attraction towards me. Pls help me how to come out of this as i dont want to loose my wife in any cause.

Love Guru answers, Stop making random female friends on the Internet and meeting your exes -- the solution is fairly simple! Why make efforts to keep in touch with anyone whose presence could have an effect on your happy family life?

Rani asked, Thanks,LG for your prompt response. But the problem is, the 2nd guy is also a much married man with kids. Besides,the 1st guy in fact told me he's going thru his divorce even while we were dating.Now, the 1st guy is ready to marry me.I am only unable to make up my mind or feel as strongly for him as I felt before.That's the confusion. We both have a good understanding otherwise..

Love Guru answers, I see...maybe you can't make up your mind because you're finally getting what you want and suddenly you're not so sure you want it anymore? And since you can't have the second man, who's still married, you're more attracted to him. It's simple -- to want what you can't have is human nature. You're getting cold feet, so I would suggest you take things slow with your current boyfriend and see how the relationship goes instead of rushing into marriage again.

baokar asked, hi love guru THis is rohit u had answered my question last time . I propose d the girl again and she said taht dont be serious about me . what should i do ?? should i move on ??

Love Guru answers, What does 'don't be serious about me' mean -- was she implying that you should still love her, but not expect any positive response? I'd say move on...two proposals is enough!

vikas asked, Thanks love guru, for your gentle replies, Just a last thing - What I and my wife talked about is that we are not physically compatible -- and we met some astrolger - his response even was the same that our horoscope do not match. so now we both are in delima of what to do . And your concern was nice about my child, well we both take care of him very thorougly. Any other option you suggest - so that my instinct get satisfied and i go on well with my family

Love Guru answers, Please do not go by what astrologers say -- physical compatibility is the domain of a sex specialist, not astrologers! And it's becoming more obvious that that's the only problem in your marriage and you're becoming frustrated. Please, seek professional help and try to work on your marriage.

lovehot asked, thnx for ur suggestion. but the problem is that now the gal whom i met on chat is trying to develop emotional bonding wid me and wants me to remain in my contact (physically as well) till she get married (dont know when will she) i had told her many a times there is no use in countinuing the relationship at it has no meaning.

Love Guru answers, Ah, so you have been cheating on your wife, is it! And now you don't know how to end things with that girl, or she may create trouble for you. Stop getting talked into keeping up this charade -- end the relationship and face the consequences. Because that's the only honourable thing to do.

awq asked, Hi LG, this is asks , u replied me eralier too, but my husband never asks about me, he is always busy in his ofice work. What i am supposed to do with such marrige and that too when i am alone here. If this guy to whom i am attracted can give me some of his time then what's problem? Plz help me out of this.

Love Guru answers, Why are you in the marriage at all, then -- why don't you just end it? Instead of complicating the whole situation by having an affair, why not sort life out first for yourself and decide what you want out of it?

Image: 'My husband only cares for his career, I'm stuck alone in this marriage'

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'She and my best friend are now an item'

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LoveLoveLove asked, Dear Sir, I have a very serious problem.I use to fall in love with almost all the beautiful girls,in train,airport,etc,Please note that i dont always have sex feeling but pure love.Please suggest

Love Guru answers, You're basically attracted to beautiful women -- that's not 'love', nor is it uncommon. And your imagining what type of personality each woman you look at has, is only serving to further your fantasies!

rahul asked, i live a girl very much,.., and cant imagine life without her.. she is my best frnd. i proposed her. she told no., later she and my best frnd got committed now.. its very difficult to deal woth rejection and betrayal of a best frnd.. and still i live her.. and i know i can kepp her happy throughout the me

Love Guru answers, I don't doubt that you can keep her happy, my dear, but you can't force love. She didn't fall for you and unfortunately, she fell for your friend. My advice would be to extricate yourself from this messy situation by distancing yourself and your feelings from them a little. It's hard, but not impossible. Whether you want to maintain relations with both of them is your call, but let me tell you, sometimes love just happens between two people. And I don't think either of them wanted to hurt you in any way, they probably regret that more than anything. Still, it takes way more understanding than any normal person is capable of to come to grips with such a situation and I wouldn't blame you at all if you couldn't accept it gracefully. The choice is yours -- either cut them out of your life or accept the situation. And either way, you must move on -- be strong! Do things you enjoy doing, hang out with other friends, take a vacation to clear your head. And don't ever think that there's no better woman out there than her who will make you happy -- there is! You just haven't found her yet.

lovehot asked, Thats why i m here and trying to seek ur suggestion. My wife already know about our relation and we had a were fair talk on this issue and are still living happily together. The gal is also well cultured and has no intentions of creating any sort of troubles in my married life. She only wants that the relations ship between us shuld get continued as it has till she get married.

Love Guru answers, So then what exactly is the problem for you here? You're having an affair, your wife is okay with it, or at least pretending to be and you think it won't affect your marriage. So your question is...?

KIMI asked, Hi LG I got married about a year and a half. Ours is a arranged marraige. I fall in love with her the moment i saw her. She too loves me. but the thing is she still remembers her ex.,She still checks for msgs on the day of their first meeting and she doesn't know that i know it., what to do?? I love her tooo much...and i also don't want to hurt her.

Love Guru answers, I think you need to have a talk with your wife about it and explain that you don't want to hurt her or take her to task about it at all, but that it hurts you. How would she feel if you were still so hung-up on an ex-girlfriend?

ping asked, what to do when a girl loves me and all of the sudden leaves me and marries my classmate

Love Guru answers, Thank your lucky stars that you didn't end up having to spend the rest of your life with such a fickle-minded, double-crossing woman! It's her loss -- move on, because you deserve way better.

sahil asked, my neighbour want to do physical realaton with me but she is 5 yrs older than me if i do any problem

Love Guru answers, If you both are unattached, I don't see the problem. But let me tell you, it's rather common for strictly physical relations to turn into emotional ones!

Image: 'She and my best friend are now an item'

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'We had an arranged marriage and we're both shy, so how should we proceed with our relationship?'

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Satish asked, I am being recently married.In fact this is arrange marriage but we are shy and difficult to have the good chemistry.pls advice.

Love Guru answers, Since you both are so shy, I think you should maybe make the first move? In a private moment when you two are alone, kiss her and gauge her reaction. Enjoy the moment, don't be in a rush to get to the bed. Take things slowly. Or, if you think that's beyond you, have a frank talk about sex first. Is your wife ready to take the step or does she need a little time? Is she apprehensive about it for any reason? Discuss it frankly and do away with the shyness.

asdfds asked, Hi, my girl complains i am over loving her.. like i expect to speak to her everyday whatever the situations may be etc... is that a problem with me?? how should i change??

Love Guru answers, Yes it is -- don't be so clingy. Picture this -- you're navigating rush-hour traffic in a crowd, it's raining, you're rushing to catch a cab or get to the railway station on time and your girlfriend calls and goes, "Baby, talk to me na...I love you, say you love me!" Wouldn't that be annoying? Not talking on the phone doesn't mean she doesn't love you! Just give her a little breathing space!

ajax asked, My wife cheats me again and again. I have forgiven her 4/5 times so far. Last time I also gave her an ultimatum that if this is repeated then that will be the end ou our relationship. She apologises everytime but again after 2/3 years the same story is repeated. I have reached end of my wits now and can not take it any longer. Before amrriage we had decided that whatever past we have will be a history but she just doesn't seem to forget her old flames and keeps on contacting them again and again either on phone or email and keeps this secret from me. But she is not intelligent enough to hide it well so I can catch her ! I am tired of this game. Please advice me what to do ! I think of divorce but I have two children, what about them ?

Love Guru answers, Is she rekindling these old flames or is she just keeping in touch with her exes? What I mean is, there is a difference between having an affair and calling to wish your ex a happy birthday. If it's affairs, I'd say you've been understanding enough and it's time to re-evaluate your marriage. If it's just keeping in touch now and then, as long as it's once in awhile and strictly as a friend, I don't see the harm.

Amit asked, Hello LG,myself 27M ,software professional,i liked a girl who works in an near- by organization.I expressed my desire of friendship with her.. but she responded in negative manner. wht should i do..shall i search for other options to have a talk with her ? or just stop thinking abt her

Love Guru answers, Women will usually reject a man who out of the blue proposes that they be friends -- they know full well what the man is after and have no intention of hooking up with strangers! It's too direct and foolish a way of trying to communicate. Don't contact her again or it'll only make the situation worse. And next time, when you meet someone else you like, I'd suggest you take things slower! Once you become a familiar face, only then direct a smile or a 'hi' her way and leave it at that till the chance for a conversation comes up!

sunny asked, Hi, I married 8 months back to my GF and are happy with each other. But now I also get attracted to girls who are more beautiful than my wife. Sometimes so much so that I wish to get physical with them. How do I get over with such a situation or phrasing it another way, how do I satisfy my lust?

Love Guru answers, Satisfy it with your wife. There's no harm in appreciating beautiful women, but try to spice up your sex life at home so you're not tempted to act on your impulses elsewhere -- you should get plenty on tips on the Internet on how your wife and you can have more fun in bed.

Love Guru says, That's all for today, folks! Till next Thursday, goodbye and all the best!

Image: 'We had an arranged marriage and we're both shy, so how should we proceed with our relationship...'

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