'Should I marry a wealthy NRI or college crush?'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on July 21 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hey there, people -- welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started...
R asked, Hi Love Guru, Please help me with some tips to get over a breakup.. Thanks
Love Guru answers, Look, heartache is almost everyone's reaction to a relationship's demise. And different people have different ways of coping -- some struggle to get out of bed in the morning and some throw themselves into their work; others feel like wading once again into the dating poll and still others want to remain single and heal before moving on to another partner. This is 'me' time, so do what you enjoy best -- shop, take a vacation with friends (it really helps), spend time doing what you want to, basically and stop yourself constantly agonising with what led to the break-up. Give it some time -- maybe one month, maybe a couple, maybe a few -- and you'll be well on your way to looking forward to a new chapter in your life.
Ram asked, Hi LG..I had a wonderful relationship at all levels with a lady that lasted 2 years. While hoping for its culmination in marriage, it fell apart after she started liking someone else as well, besides me. Now, while I'm still in touch with this person who also remains single till this date, I am wondering what is this mirage called true love? Does it exist in reality? Or, is it a mere adjustment to make life a bit more complicated? Even your responses suggest moving on rather than sticking to one's Love.. Can true Love change with time? Am so confused and disillusioned.. any views from you?
Love Guru answers, Ram, I know a couple who dated as teenagers, broke up for six years and now in their late 20s are gearing up for marriage. People grow up, change, mature and sometimes find themselves back together. And along the way, yes, many of them make mistakes. Your girlfriend had feelings for someone else during the relationship -- maybe it was just a passing attraction and it was a mistake on her part to act upon it. But she did and now both of you are single. The question is, does she regret it? Has she learned from her experience? Does she want to get back with you? Do you want to get back with her? You need to examine the answers to all these questions honestly and objectively and decide what you want to do about the present situation you both are in. If you both feel like you want a second shot at things, you can make it work.
kapil asked, sir i am confused help me out...i am into relation for last 8 years we broke up in april..now their is another girl in my life..we meet online..shared pic and seen video chat...she loves me a lot but we never meet till now...now my old gf parents want her to get married...she asking me that will you marry me...i can run from home and all...but this second girl loves me a lot and also i have soft corner for her as she is caring/understanding all are perfect...what should i do??
Love Guru answers, First meet your online friend. You can't make such decisions based on chats online and exchanging pictures. Getting to know someone in person is different, I'm always stressing that. And are you still in love with your ex? Why did you two break up, was it because her parents were against the match or had the relationship run its course and you had other issues? If the latter's the case, the break-up was the right decision, I guess.
Devika asked, Dear LG, I got engaged last month to a NRI. Then I went to a college reunion and there I got physical with a former flame for who I still have feelings. He is not settled in life yet. My heart is torn - should I marry the well settled NRI or the struggling desi?
Love Guru answers, That depends what is more important to you where marriage is concerned -- getting settled comfortably or being in a relationship based on love. For some people, being financially stable is paramount to making a relationship work and if the finances unravel, the relationship does too. Look objectively at yourself and decide whether you are one of those people, or are really up for the challenge of making things work with someone who is 'not settled', as you say. Just one thing, Devika -- your former flame, is he working towards a successful career? Does he have what it takes and do you see him achieving success in life someday? If he is that type, you may want to give him a chance, right? But if not and he's one of those happy-go-lucky individuals who have no great ambitions, you may get frustrated with him in the long run.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
Image: 'Should I marry a wealthy NRI or college crush...'
'Is sex just once or twice a week in the first year of marriage normal?'
priya asked, i am getting divorce as my husband wants. i dont want to hurt him but i have feeling for him what to do
Love Guru answers, Why does he want a divorce? Instead of going straight to court, why don't you both have an honest chat about what you want from life and why you're filing to separate? And if he's willing, maybe you can give couples' therapy a go -- it helps a lot of warring spouses.
bnd asked, Hi LG, I got married 6 months back. Is it normal to have sex only once or twice in a week. I guess this frequency is because we both are working and due to work pressure feel tired at the end of the day.
Love Guru answers, As long as you both are sexually satisfied with each other, it's normal, no matter what the frequency is.
manmadhan asked, Hi LG, I have been in and out of love so many times..i feel that i can never be satisfied with one girl/woman....is this normal?
Love Guru answers, Lots of people feel the same way, Manmadhan -- you're not alone and it certainly is normal. The key here is to trust your feelings and not give in to pressure from others to commit or settle down. If and when a time comes that you want to, then go ahead.
asa asked, LG I hv facing a probem now. My senior collegue who is married and 58 yrs old, tried to make advances with me but I strictly refused and then after I am not talking with him. He use to call me and say sorry for this. But I could not forget this. I reported this to my boss verbally so he coul dnot take action against him. Now another girl who is working with him has also complained about him to boss verbally. Even my boss is not able to take action as this fellow is very powerful. The problem is; the girl has told me that this fellow is telling everywhere that I am not good characterwise and I do wrong practises to get promotion etc. so this girl should also do that. I am not like that. But this is giving me stress. I am not able to concentrate on my work now. I want to do something but I hv no proofs. Please suggest
Love Guru answers, Your boss knows what is happening, so why isn't he taking action? If he's senior to this lecherous colleague of yours, what's this 'powerful' nonsense that's preventing him from taking up the issue? And moreover, there is often no tangible proof for sexual harassment at the office but complaints are still to be taken seriously. The least he can do is issue a stern warning to this man that not one but two women have reported him for indecent behaviour and if he doesn't straighten his act out, he's in line to be fired. If you can't do more about the situation, I'd suggest looking for a new job.
AJAY asked, Hi LG, I met my Ex GF after about 5yrs. We have been married to different people. We exchanged our numbers. She called me often and said she would call me when her hubby isn't around. I met her hubby once and he seemed a nice guy and seemed he knew our affair. My wife also is now a good friend with her as we occasionally visited each other house. Sometimes she leaves me SMS saying "LOVE U SH" or "THNKN BOUT LOVELY PAST" and gv. If i ask she says she feels relaxed and comfortable speaking to me. But this is making me think something is not working right in her mind. I feel better to move away from her to save our lives and forget what happened in past.
Love Guru answers, So move away. What's stopping you? Or you can always explain to her that you see her as a friend now and her sending you intimate SMSes about the past makes you uncomfortable. You have a wife now, who you love and intend to stay faithful to.
Image: 'Is sex just once or twice a week in the first year of marriage normal...'
'How do I meet my boyfriend without my strict father finding out?'
appu asked, Bro, i am attracted to my neighbour. Unfortunately 2 yrs back i had a fight with her father. Recently i could not hide my feelings so i followed her and i spoke to her. She responded well and spoke to me. But since then she is not coming out of her house. Its been a month so i spoke to her. Waht does this mean? How to go about
Love Guru answers, Wait till you see her next -- I hope she hasn't gone and told her parents about your feelings, or that they haven't found out as that will pose a problem. Providing they don't know anything, which you will only know after you get to speak to her again, I'd say go meet her father and apologise about things getting out of hand with the fight two years ago and that you hope to have an amicable relationship with your neighbours. Don't mention anything about your feelings just then! But burying the hatchet will make things easier and maybe in good time you can take the relationship with her forward.
Ragini asked, I have a strict father. My next door boy has feelings for me. I also like him. How can I meet him without my father knowing?
Love Guru answers, Your neighbour doesn't happen to be Appu who asked the previous question, would he -- that would be a really weird coincidence! I'd say meet him outside of your neighbourhood and don't leave your houses together so that your parents get suspicious. Maybe you two can interact online too, as that makes things much easier.
kapil asked, LG i still love my ex but thing is we both are short tampered and say things which we dont want to...we are not compatible at all..we do love each other now also...second girl is more understanding/caring and loves me a lot we dont meet thats the probs i am not able to decide..but do u think i should move on or should think of getting life with my ex..?
Love Guru answers, Your relationship with your ex didn't work out for a reason -- you weren't compatible. If you think that this break has made you both wiser, more mature individuals who are capable of compromise, then you can give it another shot. But avoiding a fallback into the same old destructive pattern will be a huge challenge for both of you. Only if you're up to it should you consider getting together, else recall clearly why you ended things in the first place and move on wit the second girl. And yes, don't give her false hopes till you decide what to do, it's not fair to be with someone when half your attention is elsewhere.
aash asked, my wife had a boy friend bfore our marriage. infact soon after marriage she had accepted that she had an affair with him. but now she says it was nothing. and says that the word 'love' she had written in his cards were meaningless and that she had confessed to me because i had pressurised him. i dont truat her because many times i had found her lieing to me about him which i later found from other sources.now i am in dilema whether she really had an affiar or not.i am bent upon divorcing her incase she had an affair so that she can carry on with him
Love Guru answers, An 'affair' is when your partner is cheating on you. Your wife had a boyfriend before she married you or probably even met you, so what are you giving her the third degree for? That's not an affair, it's a past relationship, the keyword being 'past'! Was she supposed to look into a crystal ball and say, "Oh, that is the man I will marry, so I better not get into a relationship with this guy!" She loved him then, so what? Leave the past in the past -- unless you have proof of her cheating while married to you, I'd say drop this whole non-issue please.
bill asked, LOVE GURU , I AM 32 , MARRIED , MY WIFE IS SOBER AND UNDERSTANDING , EDUCATED , MY MOM ALWAYS HAVE PROBLEM WITH MY WIFE .... DUE TO THAT THERE IS NO PEACE AT HOME ... I AM GOING ABROAD IN NEXT 3 MONTHS TIME FOR JOB ..... HOW SHD I RESOLVE THE ISSUE BETWN MOTHER AND WIFE ?
Love Guru answers, I'd say take your wife abroad with you -- problem solved, at least for now! And if your mother is so hard on her, I'd suggest you live separately from your parents or risk permanently damaging your marriage.
Image: 'How do I meet my boyfriend without my strict father finding out...'
'Two days after our engagement he demanded 50 tolas of gold'
flo asked, Hi LG,Me and My boy friend used to study in the same college some 9 years back and then have never met and love each other and want to get married.He is in USA and is planning to come and get married to me...shall i get married to him?
Love Guru answers, It's been really long since you were last together -- you were only teenagers then and things can change a lot in a decade. Why don't you visit him in the US first and just enjoy getting reacquainted first? You both will be able to make a better-informed decision if you do that instead of diving head-first into marriage and discovering that the problems crop up later.
Sac asked, We live with my parents. Both of us are working. My wife does not help at home in anyways. Inspite of talking to her to help in someway she would just throw a tantrum and create a ruckus at home. Only her office matters to her. My parents look after our baby. I even told her that we can move into a seperate house, but she rejects and the rent from the home that is jointly owned is taken by her. No issues with that. But she has made all our lives hell... How to deal with such a woman?
Love Guru answers, I think your wife is behaving unreasonable in refusing to move out and pocketing all the rent from your other home, but let me ask you a question -- you're working too. Do you help around the house or is it that because she's a woman, it's expected of her, while you're only expected to go to the office and put up your feet at home? She's sailing in the same boat as you -- working all day. So you of all people should know what it's like to have to come home and take on work there too. If you want her to change her ways, start teaching by example. Do some housework yourself. About the rent, you can explain to her that it's only fair to take half each instead of her pocketing all of it. And as for your parents looking after your baby, you both should have thought of that before having one -- you can't both go off to work all day and expect them to care for it. Employ a maid that your parents can supervise while she takes care of the child.
Abhi asked, Hi LG My wife and I were good friends with my house owner daughter. She had easy access into our home. She hadn't married for some reason and lives with her parents. Soon I realised we were flirting with each other. My wife went to village and we ended up in bed she was virgin until i deflowered and had good time wen her parents went to office. Now she seems to be addicted to sex. She requests me often and sends lot of erotic SMS. My wife who doesn't know what happened doesn't realise. she says am ready to come to some resort pretending ur wife waering mangalsutra scares me of what I have got into. She isn't ready to marry anyone but she seem nymphomanic now. What should I do I gave 5lac lease amount to owner so can't vacate.
Love Guru answers, Aren't you in a pickle -- and it's all your own doing! You seem to be on good terms with the owners, so why don't you ask your girlfriend's father if he'll be willing to release your money if you find him another tenant to occupy the house? If he asks why you're leaving you can always say you need the money, which is why you're requesting this of him. And I'd say end this relationship with his daughter before it gets out of hand -- it already is. Explain that you're sorry but you don't see this relationship with her going anywhere in the future and you don't want to hurt her. Let's just hope for your sake that she doesn't reveal your secret to anyone.
dummyname3 asked, a year back, i and my female frnd ('new girl') got intimate but that time I was in another relationship. From tht point onwards, this gal came closer and at the same time, my relationship (then) got over. I have always remained with this new girl and on the way she developed feelings for me. She started showin lot of care and love for me despite the 6 years age difference between us. she did want us to be together. After few months, I decided to go ahead with this new girl and now we are together. I got to know later that this new girl has hidden few things and lied. Additionally, while she was showing all this love (before my 'yes') she did sex chat with another guy. Now she says that she wont do it. I am feeling uncomfortable now and failing to understand if I shud stay committed trusting her words. I feel that the hidden facts, lies and this chat has done damage to my trust.
Love Guru answers, You weren't dating exclusively then. You were with another girl too at the time, so why so sore about it? She probably didn't tell you because she didn't want you to get upset and rethink the relationship, but that's exactly what you are doing. Look, you've made a new beginning, treat it as one. Stop delving into the past before you two made a commitment to each other.
karma asked, hi LG, i am 26 years old, i registered in one metromony and and found one boy from outside india, everything was fine both the families accepted each other and got engaged and immediately after two days he said i want 50tolas of gold, i am upset now boy is good, please tell me what can i do now?? please reply.urgent
Love Guru answers, Call it off and report him to the police. Dowry is illegal and it's shameful that he went ahead with the engagement and then put forth such demands. He probably thought that your parents and you would give in to avoid embarassment after a formal engagement. Don't marry him at any cost -- how 'good' can he be after this poorly-veiled attempt at blackmail? Disgusting.
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, people...see you next Thursday! Goodbye and take care!
Image: 'Two days after our engagement he demanded 50 tolas of gold'