'Everyone thinks we're a cute couple except her!'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on August 11 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hi everyone...welcome to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started...
raj asked, hi, i am married and have a kid. last year when i had been for a family picnic, my SIL started showing interest in me. under influence of alcohol i did not resist, but later i realised my mistake. but now she is after me. i really am not interested in this and love my family too much. but i cant tell this to my wife and trouble her family life aswell. she is not of the sort that she ll create scene or something.....pls guide.
Love Guru answers, You can try explaining to her that what happened between the two of you is something you regret and that you love your family very much. If that doesn't work, keep away from her and don't give her a chance to approach you alone. Avoiding contact is the best way to nip this problem in the bud -- eventually she will get the message that you are not interested in pursuing things.
neha asked, LG: my husband most of the time out of town..and he is not intrest on sex..during last few months i m attracting towards females more..is that ok or not
Love Guru answers, If your husband is ignoring you and you get attracted to someone else, I can understand that. But why women? Is it that you've always leaned towards the same sex but are only now more consciously aware of it? Or is it that you feel on some level that if you cheat on your husband with another woman, then it doesn't qualify as cheating? You need to sort out your issues through counselling. But before that, you could try to bridge the gap between you and your hubby and discuss your relationship. You can tell him how you feel about his ignoring you sexually and staying away from home for long periods of time. A marriage cannot be a convenience, it has to be worked on and he should be willing to work at it so you both are happy.
Jaded asked, Hello, LG. I am a quiet type of person but the women in my life cannot tolerate silence for more than 20 seconds. I love having them around, but do I really have to make an effort to talk so much that it exhausts me mentally? If I don't, I am made to feel guilty. What is the deal? And I am talking especially about my wife, although my (all ex-)girlfriends used to be the same way.
Love Guru answers, Most people interpret silence as disinterest or a breakdown in communication. I can understand you being a quiet person, but if you get home and clam up everyday it's bound to pinch your wife. How would you feel if you got home everyday and received the silent treatment from her? I'm not saying stay up talking till the cows come home, but you can ask how her day was and make conversation for awhile. After that if you're quiet for a bit I don't think she'll mind so much.
sri asked, Hi, i am married and happy. I started chatting with a gul over net. Now it has become my habit i fantasize her every now and than.... pls suggest
Love Guru answers, Stop chatting with random women over the Internet or you're bound to get into trouble, with them or your wife or both! Fantasising is harmless, but if you're weak enough to act on these sexual impulses of yours and end up cheating, you'll have only yourself to blame. You say you're happy, so why waste time on such pursuits? In the online world, you don't even know who it is you're actually talking to -- you don't know this girl at all. In fact, you don't even know if it is a girl at the other end or some dude having fun at your expense!
Prem asked, Hi LG: I M prem married fro mumbai, i got married 2 years back. I have one elder sister she is 3 years elder to me. And she is also married. Her husband gone to dubai for job purpose now I m attracted towards her emotionally and physically both I am fall in love with her. Should I tell her or what I do please guide me.
Love Guru answers, Prem, this isn't just any other woman, it's your sister. I think you've let your imagination get the better of you because if you think about it realistically, there is no way that your acting on any such impulse will end on a pleasant note. For one, she may be disgusted with the situation and isolate herself from you. Your marriage will be damaged. Your family life will be damaged. Your relationship with your parents may suffer. If you're having trouble coping with these emotions, I would recommend professional counselling. That is a preferable alternative to wreaking havoc on your family and personal life.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
Image: 'Everyone thinks we're a cute couple except her!'
'I've developed a relationship with my brother-in-law'
raj123 asked, Hi LG,Im a big flirt.But I can't ablr to talk to gals so easily.I feel shy whenever I talk to them.I will fear to reach them,though im very much interested in them.Pls guide me how to get rid of my shyness. Thanks a lot LG....
Love Guru answers, Big flirts usually have a big mouth! You're not a flirt at all if you can't talk to women -- I think what you're trying to say is you're attracted to them but can't overcome your shyness! So instead of trying to impress them and saying things to show you're interested (that will inevitably backfire), I would suggest talking to them like you would yo a male friend -- just make sure to be a little polite and show some manners!
ASHU asked, HI ! I love a woman whi is 12 years older to me.I am 45 years old.Can we have normal sexual relations ?
Love Guru answers, I don't see why not, unless either of you has some sexual issues stemming from physical problems.
sneha asked, hi ....my husband is away in south africa for job..i am staying with my brotherin law and sister in law...i am in love with my brother in law...he is not on good terms with his wife as she is illetrate and uneducated. They had a child marriage so he has to continue with her. but now i am in love with him and we sleep together regularly....i am a doctor and he is also a doctor..my husband has no plans of coming bck to india...what should i do pl help...
Love Guru answers, Your husband has no plans of coming back to India - what does that mean? You mean in the near future, or not at all, or does he want you to join him there? And besides the state of your marriage, what about your brother-in-law's? However unhappy he is with his wife, will he actually act on it and leave her for you? You need to sort out your own life and he needs to sort out his -- decide what it is you both want and then make a move towards it. There will be unpleasant consequences, but if you want to be together at all costs, you'll have to face them. If, on the other hand, one of both of you doesn't want to leave your partner, I'd say end it and ideally, join your husband in South Africa instead of continuing to live here.
panicker asked, I am married. but recently I got developed a relation with my coleaques in my office and I am in no way ready to leave her. what should I do. At the same time I don't want to leave my wife also.
Love Guru answers, Sooner or later this situation is bound to blow up in your face. If you're not ready to leave your colleague or your wife, it will come to a point sooner or later that one or both of them leave you.
aryan asked, Hi love guru, i am 26 year old working as a team leader in a MNC , i love my friend neha a lot but she do'nt know this . we are best friends and discuss evertything with each o other . Actully she is in a relation since last three years but her parents did'nt allow her to marry with that guy. She started to make some distance from him and she said i helped her a lot but she consider me only a good friend i don't know what to do next . We share a very honest and ideal friendship relation her friends used to tell her that aryan love you but she said it is not possible . Please guide me
Love Guru answers, Maybe it's time you laid bare your feelings. And I'll be surprised if she really doesn't know already how you feel about her -- women are very intuitive that way. If she's not going to marry her boyfriend against her parents' wishes, maybe she'll be willing to give you a chance?
stranger asked, I am 34 years old married man, since few days my sex desire got very low. So I developed Erectile dysfunction. I am worried now for my wife's sexual life. How can i boost up my testosterone and libido.
Love Guru answers, I'm afraid I can't help with physiological problems, you need to visit a sex specialist.
Image: 'I've developed a relationship with my brother-in-law'
'In a fit of anger I slapped her, now I regret it'
chiraj asked, Hi Love guru, I have been married for 11 years and have a daughter. My wife and I have had differences for the last 7 years and she is staying away at her mom's place with my daughter since then. I have been regularly going and meeting her and requesting her to come back so we can work out the differences. But she is refusing to budge and not also interested in marital counselling. She is pressing for divorce now and says she wants to marry again. I love her very much but she is refusing to budge and willing to talk. I'm helpless. What shud I do? What about my daughter?
Love Guru answers, It's been seven years Chiraj. If your wife is adamant on a divorce, I think you should just let her get one. It's time you moved on with your life too. Don't worry about your daughter, if you both help her through this and are there for her she'll be just fine. In any case I think after so long she is already used to the idea of your separation.
Jitesh asked, Hey Love guru, I did a love marriage. I was earning 4 times as much as my wife. But she belonged to a family with higher status than mine. Right after marriage she started undermining me and saying horrible stuff about me and my family. I loved her very much. But finally one day I couldn't take it any more and slapped her... she left me and went to her parents' house and even filed a false dowry suit against me.... Now I just want to know, am I guilty here? Should I try to get her back, without her my life is down in the dumps, but with her it was no better, but its just that I miss her too much.... please help...
Love Guru answers, You shouldn't have raised your hands on her -- there is never a valid enough reason for that. But beyond that I think she knew what she was getting into when she married you and shouldn't have been complaining so much. She knew her family was more well-to-do than yours and she would have to adjust to certain lifestyle changes. She couldn't and removed her frustration on you. Try approaching -- apologise for losing your cool and raising your hands and promise that it will never happen again. And then you can explain to her all I've just told you. Either she will realise that she's been a nagging fool or that she cannot adjust to life without luxuries. You both can then take a call on your marriage.
Goanguy asked, Hi luvguru im 25 yrs and i m in relationship wid a 15 yr old gal. We both want to have sex, shud i proceed further??
Love Guru answers, I would say that she's too young to know what's in her best interest. You're a grown man and she's still fresh out of school, a teenager. She may say yes because she loves you, but as the more mature, elder partner in the relationship I think you need to realise that she doesn't quite know what she's getting into at such a young age. If you really care about her, I'd say hold back. You can show affection and express physical love without getting as far as intercourse.
karthik asked, My wife has has differences with my sister and she hates her and keeps telling me that in very derogatory language, which makes me cry in disgust. All my requests to her are useless. She has misconcieved notions about my sis's behaviour and not willing to change. Its really difficult for me to keep balance. I need advice
Love Guru answers, From the way you're talking, it seems like you live in the same house as your sister. I would say that the best way to end this hostility is to move out with your wife into your own home. And can you elaborate on what behaviour it is that annoys your wife quite so much?
Sensibleguy asked, Hi Guru, I am 36/m/Chennai and athletic and my friends think I do keep a good head over my shoulders. I don't work anywhere for the past 2 years and came out of the rat race and wanted to do something of my own. But these days, I am bit nervous to appoach a girl anywhere thinkin that they may reject me as I am not employed. I want to fall in love with a girl and get married soon. I am bit spiritualistic and beleive in one for one and so never had made love until now. Your advice would be helpful. Thanks.
Love Guru answers, You may not be employed, but are you working towards your own business? If you are, then that qualifies as work too, doesn't it? And stop thinking of 'approaching' girls -- women hate men who 'approach' with an agenda! They like men who make friends easily and make them laugh. Relationships develop later, if there is mutual attraction.
Image: 'In a fit of anger I slapped her, now I regret it'
'I can't seem to fall in love...the attraction never lasts'
bhavin asked, I dont have any girlfriend nor did I have any.I like girls initially but it is nothing but infatuation. I somehow dont get attracted to girls to get a permanent relationship.I am 28 years old.Can you please suggest what do I have to mend in my mind to get in love with someone I want to have long lasting relationship?
Love Guru answers, Stop forcing yourself to commit and fall in love -- it'll never happen that way. Some people are not ready for marriage till they're 40. But it's a mistake to go by age and against your gut instinct. When you meet a girl you see yourself spending the rest of your life with, you'll know.
Rajib asked, Hi I have two friends of whom both approach to marry me but out of two one is my colleague in my office with whom i have studied during my college and other one lives in other town and she is my good frnd.The colleague is also a good frnd but sexually my mind says to marry the other girl...I am in dilema .Plz help.
Love Guru answers, Don't go by only sexual attraction. If marriages were based on strictly sex, not many would last lifelong. Who are you more compatible with and attracted to as a person? Who do you enjoy chemistry with and enjoy talking to and spending time with? That's the girl you should marry.
Premkumar asked, Hi Guru, I recently got re-unioned with my wife after some legal issues between us. Now, my wife is always talking bad about my family and does also talk me having affairs with other women and is always interested about money only.. I am having terrible time to get through every day. What can be done ??
Love Guru answers, You may have reunited, but that's not solved your problem. I would say hammer out all these issues in marital counselling.
aryan asked, hi love guru , actullActullay she thinks that if a person knows evrything about your past relation then you should not marry to that guy it can create problems in future . She trust me a lot and i trust her and i know i understand her problem and we will be happy together . I dont know how to tell her ,. I met her mom o twice . Her mom also asked her that i like aryan if you allow us we can talk to his parents . Everybody is ready but i don't know her plans.
Love Guru answers, You don't know her plans because you haven't asked her! Now, Aryan, it's high time you let her know how you feel. And also explain that her fright that your knowing about her past will cause problems in your marriage is misplaced. You can and will accept her past as part of who she is -- gracefully and supportively. And you better mean it -- don't ever throw her past relationships in her face, even in a moment of anger!
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, people! Till next Thursday, goodbye and all the best!
Image: 'I can't seem to fall in love...the attraction never lasts'