'She rejected me for my caste, but wants to be friends'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on January 10 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript. Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
Love Guru says, Hi there everyone and welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started...
sanj asked, hi this is sanj , i think my gf is not serious for me but i love her very much so what should i do in this case.she always ignore although if i asked her that why you are ignoring than she says its not like that,i don't want to loss her,so what should i do now?
Love Guru answers, Are you sure she's ignoring you or are you the sort of person who needs constant reassurances of love and affection? Do you get physically intimate with her? If so, what is her reaction -- is she loving towards you, or indifferent?
Monty asked, Me and my girl dated for 7 months. we were happy love each other a lot. She feels her parents won't agree of our relationship in future so we mutually did break up on 1st jan. I miss her a lot and cannot stay without her. can't concentrate on work or anything please help
Love Guru answers, Monty, she's obviously someone who values her parents' opinion a lot and won't go against it. So it's better that you've broken it off now, after only seven months. Trust me, it's for the best -- there are people who log onto this chat speaking of partners who are unwilling to marry without their parents' permission even after 5 to 7 years of dating! And such a situation will only drown you in a lot more heartache, so it's better to leave things as they are. The only other option you do have is approaching her parents directly and asking their permission to date their daughter with honest intentions. See what reaction you get -- if they are against it and you, I'd say move on please. The situation is just not worth it -- if she wanted to be with you at all costs, it would be a different matter. She doesn't, so you must respect her wishes and behave with dignity.
sanj asked, Well i have not get physically intimate with her , i am unable to understand what should i do?i only know that i don't want to loss her.please suggest me what should i do ?
Love Guru answers, The more clingy you behave, the more likely you are to lose her. I would suggest you sit her down and explain to her that you don't want to be with someone who sees you as a convenience or is with you for lack of better options. And her behaviour towards you reflects exactly that. Explain that it's not fair to you that you remain with someone who's not really interested in you, so unless she tells you the truth, you'd prefer to part ways. See what she has to say.
bhavna asked, hi..guru...i loved a guy so much but he married my cousin sister..i was upset and then turned away.. but recently he is trying to move close with me..what shall i do..
Love Guru answers, Stay away, that's what you should do. He's married into your family now and getting close to him will only hurt you in the long run and ruin your relationship with your family members. Avoid him at all costs. He should not have dumped you for your cousin like he did in the first place. Let him live with his decision and you look for a guy who treats your feelings with more respect.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
'I just found out that my husband is having an affair'
harsh asked, hi i loved my cousin four years she too loved me nw she s sayng she dnt love me tats was nt love and telling she loves a guy from her college wat to do am heartbroken is being true in love wrong
Love Guru answers, See things for what they really are -- was it really love or just a crush? Were you in a real relationship with her or was it just a few stolen moments and smiles? Even if it was real love, Harsh, you can't force her to be with you -- she's been honest enough to admit she's attracted to someone else. So be mature and you move on too.
shruti asked, Love guruji namaskar ! how to forget stressful past and move on... can you please suggest some tips to forget miserable things that happen to me due my parents and in-laws...
Love Guru answers, If you can afford it, move into a home where you're not living with either party and can make a fresh start for yourself. Schedule a holiday with a few friends, where you can enjoy yourself. And when you get back, focus on your career and personal life, striking a good balance. Good luck!
vanita asked, i am married for the last 5 years. but i have found that my husband and his brother wife are in sexual relationship. this i came to know from his sister only. i am worried about my married life. what to do.
Love Guru answers, Are you close to your husband's sister? Has she told you this in good faith or is there some way she's benefiting from giving you this information? Are you confident of the truth in her statement? If you're confident of what she's told you, confront your husband and see what he has to say. And Vanita, whatever happens, don't let yourself be taken advantage of -- in your marriage or by anyone outside it either.
nonalisa asked, I've fallen in love with my cousin, uncles son. He is forcing me to marry but we will face strong oppposign from family. Is this acceptable. How to convince him. will this be a successful marriage.
Love Guru answers, He can't 'force' you to marry him unless you want to. But if the two of you genuinely love each other and want to be together always, you'll have to unite and face the opposition from your family. As for whether it'll be a successful marriage, that's up to the two of you, isn't it?
bhavin asked, Hi Love Guru...i had a gf who is older then me for 1n half years...we have been in relationship for last 5 years...many a times i have praposed her for mairrge...she too love me but as her father not agrreing to our mairrge she is denying...now she has finalised guy who is his old frined...all things are allmost fixed and many of family members know...still i love that girl and she is telling me i can not marry u as the situation home and due to family problems i am ready to help her in any way but she is not letting me try at all so what should i do...i want to marry that girl any how my age is ard 27 n my family members are also serching girl...my family is ready for love mairrge but i have not told this to my home so i am in deep trouble please help me LOVE GURU :(
Love Guru answers, Bhavin, I'm sorry to hear of your situation, but it looks like her mind is made up. She's refusing to take a stand against her family, so even if this is a big mistake and she regrets marrying the wrong man later on, there's nothing you can do to stop her. So stop pursuing her and make an effort to move on with your life too -- at the most, you can try to get her to see the reality of the situation, which I don't think she is at the moment. She'll be spending the rest of her life with another man and will never be close to you again. If she wants to go ahead with it despite that, too bad -- maybe you'll be better off with a girl who is willing to be with you at all costs.
'She dumped me for a wealthy husband after 11 years of dating'
unsatisfied asked, hi..luvguru... I had bn in a relnship for over 11 years, in those years i took care every bit of her & she also loved me. a few days ago she broke up with me citing no reasons & she's marrying a wealthy guy (arrange marriage). Now i hate her a lot, i didn't even try to contact her after dat, but i'm unable to concentrate on my work & suffering heavily after d brk up..wht sud i do..plz help
Love Guru answers, Of course you're suffering, my friend -- everyone does, after getting their hearts broken. But here's the good news -- time heals everything, provided you let it. If you spend your days spewing venom at her and obsessing over what she did to you, it'll take longer to recover. If, on the other hand, you make a conscious effort not to think of her and make your own plans -- travel, holidays, hanging out with friends, dating other girls -- one day a few months or so from now, you'll wake up a happy man.
qyqyqyq asked, Hi LG, I HAVE MY A TEAM MATE COUPLE OF YEARS JOUNIER TO ME. AFTER KNOWING ABOUT HER AND FAMILY, AND DISCUSSING ABOUT MY DREAMS AND FAMILY OVER 6 MONTHS. I PROPOSED HER, HER ANSWER WAS " I LIKE YOU VERY MUCH, BUT I CANT MARRY YOU, AS I'M ENGAGED TO SOME ONE IN FAMILY IN MY CHILDHOOD. I WAS MY DAD'S WISH AS WELL." AS HER DAD PASSED AWAY ABT 10 YEARS BACK. THEN I DECIDED TO MOVE ON, BUT SHE KEPT TEXTING AND CALLING. THEN I TOLD HER ILL TALK TO HER MOTHER AND SEE IS THERE ANY PASSOBILITY. BUT SHE SAYES I LIKE YOU MORE BUT CANT BETRAY THE OTHER FELLOW WHO IS DREAMING ABOUT ME FROM CHILDHOOD. I HAVE DECIDED TO END IT. AS NOT HOPE ILL AFTER SOME TOUGH TIME. I GUESS I'M RIGHT.
Love Guru answers, Yes you are right. I think it's a little ridiculous to be marrying someone because her late father thought it was a good idea a decade ago, but that's her call. So explain to her that either she sees reason and ends this absurd engagement of hers, or then you cut off contact beyond professionalism.
sheetal asked, Hi I m married, LG we met a couple a few months ago. till some time it was normal. later they asked for partner exchange for fun. we have already turned down their request. now i want to try it. how do i convince my husband about it ?
Love Guru answers, Sheetal, it's not a great idea swapping partners, particularly if your husband is against it. Most couples do it in a bid to keep the spice in their relationship, but it can backfire massively and irretrievably damage it instead. So weigh your options carefully and decide whether you want to risk your marriage before thinking of trying to convince your husband.
rash asked, Luv guru i had a love relation for 8 years of 8 years 3 years we were in distant relationship..my family was against of this marriage but i was still trying, but my BF fixed his engagement with some other girl and told me about t his later, i kept telling him plz cancel this engagement but he didn't listen and within a month he got married too ...this is how betrayed me after having 8years of long relationship...now i lost trust in such kind of relationships.....too much depressed
Love Guru answers, You had one bad experience. Don't let that put you off all relationships. People sometimes have bad marriages too, but then when they remarry are happy for the rest of their lives. This was one guy -- there are a lot of others out there who aren't like him and would treat you like you deserve. Don't lose hope! Pick yourself up, be strong and look forward to a good future with a good guy!
skull asked, Hi LG, i m a 36 yr old widower with 3 kids , met a wonderful lady online 3 yrs ago living in a difficult marriage , after all our combined efforts to help her marriage , she got divorce aft 10 months , our chats were like daily say4 to 5 hrs , went to her place with kids stayed fr 2 days at her home ,aft about 3 yrs i asked her hand in a roundabout way , but she nev answered either way. she married about 2 months ago.i attended the mairrage on her invite too. Now i find it hard to see her pics and posts on social sites. though i still love her , i would like her to be the most happiest wife to her husband . Should i remove her from my friend lists , as now when she comes online she is always invisible . and i find it painfull. will it be easy for her if i delete her ?
Love Guru answers, If you find it painful, delete her. Look, you're still young and you can still look forward to settling down with the right woman, someone who will play mother to your children and love them like her own. Maybe this woman wasn't right for you, but that doesn't mean another won't be.
'She's not even letting me approach her father about us'
Tias asked, I am Tias 32 yrs Female.I had a very bad breakup as my ex-bf was not ready to marry me because of his family.My parents got me married the very year and the guy i am married to is more than what i ever thought of.I feel blessed to have got him in my life.But the problem is I am not able to forget my ex-bf and still love him.I feel that may be if I could have given him some time things would have been different.I now feel that i am cheating my husband as i still think of my ex.I dont want this to happen and want to be more committed to my marriage.I also had an abusive relationship with my ex.My ex blames me of cheating him because i got married elsewhere .All these are creating lot of mental stress,Please help.
Love Guru answers, Your ex was a creep -- he didn't want to marry you, he abused you and now because you're married, he is trying to make you feel guilty. Why on earth do you still love him? Stop painting rosy pictures in your mind of the time you were together -- think instead of what he did to you and how unhappy he made you! You say your husband is a wonderful man -- what if tomorrow he was gone from your life forever? How would you feel then? Your ex is a most unpleasant man -- cut him out of your mind and your life entirely. There's no need to feel guilty, it takes time. But make sure you do it, even if it requires a 200 per cent effort.
vikass asked, hello sir i like one girl & 3 months back i proposed her she reject me on caste issue, i was so depress and started to ignore her for moving on. but she every time contact me and tell me that our friendship has change and all that. i respect her but i cant be her friend now. please help me
Love Guru answers, It's a little petty of you not to want to be friends anymore just because she turned you down -- you can't force someone to have romantic feelings for you. But if you really don't want to be friends with her, then tell her that and cut off all contact.
crack asked, she used to love me lot.......and i too....suddenly her marriage plan from her family......she force me to do something...but we both decide not to hurt both parenets....we accepted to separeated...she got married...but am feeling very lonely ,,and hurtful when i saw her with her fiance with whom she was very happy.........
Love Guru answers, You made a mutual decision to separate and not hurt your families. You're upset because she moved on first -- but you need to do the same. Move on. Remember, it's something you wanted too, not just her.
bhavin M asked, This is bhavin again...Thanks LG but the problem is she is very much struggling in her life and i can not see her struggling i can not imagine my life without her i day & night think about her n want to be with her...she meet me frequently n also tell me that ILU but she dont want to fight at all for me...i am ready to support her and can go and speak to her dad also but she is not allowing me giving reason that papa will be unwell...hence i am confused a lot n i want to get married with her any how hence request you to suggest a way out...pls
Love Guru answers, I'm sorry Bhavin, but unless she relents, there's nothing you can do. I know it's difficult to watch someone hammer their own toes, but sometimes you just have to stand back and let it happen because it's not your place to do more. You can try going and speaking to her father yourself, but this girl has made it abundantly clear that she's not going to stand up for you at all.
Love Guru says, That's all for today, people...till next week, goodbye and all the best!