'Is it advisable to tell my partner about my past?'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on November 22 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says,Hi there everyone and welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started...
Troubled asked,Hi, my ex and I got back in touch and we feel strongly. However since last 2 days she has started acting weird, texts me at weird times in the night, is not sleeping, am worried that she does not want to move ahead with me and that is what is bothering her...
Love Guru answers,You don't generally text people in the middle of the night or have trouble sleeping if you don't have feelings for them. It looks to me more like the opposite -- she does feel strongly for you, but is maybe anxious after your break-up? Maybe she's worried the same thing will happen all over again and she'll be left broken-hearted? It's up to you to ease her doubts and nothing can do that like a frank conversation.
aj asked,love guru, i hv not been able to fall in love ever.. i tried but i did not...always thinking of physical stuff only... plz help?
Love Guru answers,Maybe you're thinking of the physical aspect so much because it's what you desire at the moment more strongly that a relationship. You haven't fallen in love because you haven't met the right person, but surely you've experienced attraction to the opposite sex -- and that, when sustained, turns to love.
Rajib asked,Hi I am 30 year old . My problem is that i was in love with one of my colleague who happened to be my senior and also married. I believed that it was wrong but i could not move out from her . I haven't proposed her yet . What should i do
Love Guru answers,I don't think you should propose to her at all. She's your colleague, a senior to boot, and married. Nothing good can come of this, trust me -- and it could end up costing you more than just disappointment at unreturned love, it could cost you your job.
vikky asked,hi, i am having an affair with my past colleague and she is now want to leave her husband for me as he cannot conceive her due to his sexual illness, as i have my family with two kids and she wants to have from me once she leave her husband and wants to raise her kids independently. but i have hesitant CZ this will hamper my family life. kindly suggest me the possible solution.
Love Guru answers,Vicky, there is no solution here. Fathering children with another woman when you already have a family of your own is the most regrettable decision you could possibly make. If your ex colleague wants a child that badly, she can adopt or opt for a sperm donor. The fact that she wants to leave her husband to do that makes it pretty clear that she wants you in her life, I would say. So don't buy this 'raising kids independently' jargon -- you'd be responsible for any child you have, in or outside your marriage. And you've already compromised your marriage by having an affair. If you want to destroy it altogether, then that's up to you entirely.
Vikas asked,Love Guru... I like a girl and she also likes me, but she is always very confused whether to get married or not.... even our parents have met and decided to go further.... advise plz
Love Guru answers,Maybe she needs time to get to know you better and make up her mind properly. You shouldn't be going ahead with marriage plans unless she's sure of what she wants. Maybe dating each other for a little before you make things official would help.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
'After spending three nights together he's avoiding me'
dream1387 asked, I am in relationship from 2 years.both of us love each other but we always fight on small things/wat to do to reduce our fighting
Love Guru answers, Learn to give in sometimes -- both of you. Picking an argument that's unnecessary is immature, so learn to be the bigger person and let go sometimes, even if you know you're right.
neha asked, Hi Love guru, I love a boy next door, we had spent 3 nights together when we went outstation. since then he is avoiding me . tell me know what to do??
Love Guru answers, I don't know if you mean you spent three nights together with friends and as friends, or that you slept with him. Either way, the only way to find out if/why he's avoiding you is by speaking to him directly about it.
ff asked, I am unable to decide between my love and family , what should i do. My family is not accepting our relationship and i am unable to go ahead. what should i do? I wont be able to live without her
Love Guru answers, Look, I don't know your age. If you're old enough and mature enough to take this kind of decision for yourself, and you're 100 percent confident that this is the girl for you and you've been with her long enough to establish that, then I'd say go ahead and marry her. Hopefully, in time your family will learn to accept it. Also, it would help if you could tell me just why they aren't accepting her?
silu asked, i love a girl very much but we both are very good friend.. The problem is that m unable to convince her..i have a fear that our friendship relation may break.. so what do now?? plz advice
Love Guru answers, Your question conveys that you've already tried convincing her and it's failed. And yes, your relationship will become strained if you don't accept that she's made a decision and that you have to respect it. Take the 'no' gracefully and remain friends. There are other women out there for you to try your luck with.
Aditi asked, I'm married from 4 years with one child. My husband sleeps with his family since we got married. With me afternoon for ten minutes when his family permits. Obviously he ignores us openly. Does not even talk to me. Sides with them. Should I stay in this marriage. Can things change.
Love Guru answers, Aditi, things can change only if your husband changes his attitude. Try speaking to him and explain that you don't want to remain in the marriage under such unhappy circumstances. If he can only see his family's point of view and never his wife's, I guess he's better off just being by himself then. You should opt out if that's the case.
soul asked, Hi, what to do when a girl seems interested because of the time spent but is not taking things forward. I know there could be many reasons but waiting gets frustrating after sometime.
Love Guru answers, Have you conveyed directly that you're interested? Why don't you try to take things forward instead of leaving it up to her?
'I don't like my fiance spending time with her friends instead of me'
Ta asked, hi, my husband loves me but he always gets angry for simple things and does not give me my space. I am very unstable mentally. It is hurting me a lot and I have lost interest in life. Everytime for silly things if a person is always shouting and screaming is affecting me a lot. Please help me and give me your opinion about this. He is a very short tempered person but soon after shouting onces his anger comes down he shows love on me. What can be done?
Love Guru answers, He obviously seems to have an anger management problem. When he's calm, explain to him that his loss of temper at the smallest things is now affecting your mental health. And that he should seek professional help for it, else your marriage will be in trouble. Hopefully, he will agree to counselling.
brokendude asked, Hi I am 23 year old and a hindu. I started feeling for a colleague who is of same age. We started hanging out and were feeling very compatible. we shared lot of things and were getting emotionally bonded. she is a muslim. One day she suddenly said she can't fall in love wid me cos our religions are different. Now she doesn't even talk to me. Problem is since we are at the same workplace, i find it very difficult to comfort me
Love Guru answers, First off, I'd suggest that you try finding another organisation to work for. And if she's made it clear that she doesn't want to pursue the relationship on these grounds, it's better to keep your distance and endure less pain now than more pain later. Cheer up, there are plenty of other fish in the sea!
mofo asked, Hello, My fiance who is 30 years and working wants to continue playing volleyball with her semi-naked male and female friends.I feel it is not only inappropriate but it would also mean we have less quality time to spend with each other.What are your thoughts?
Love Guru answers, She's playing volleyball with her friends, not sleeping with someone else. You sound like quite a prude! Stop stifling her or you will lose her -- it's been known to happen before to insecure people like you.
ragini asked, i am lesbian. one of my friend also is a lesbian. is this relation good.
Love Guru answers, I don't see why not -- your relationship is nobody else's business, nor is it anyone else's place to judge your sexual orientation. Society in general and many families often lack understanding when it comes to anyone/anything that goes against what is perceived as the norm.
vas asked, In an arranged marriage scenario, is it always advisable that partners share truth about their past love lives with each other before marriage? Or is it a matter of personal choice? Will being frank to that extent prove detrimental by sowing seeds of doubt about one's character or actually help in the long run?
Love Guru answers, It's a matter of personal choice how much you choose to disclose, I'd say. But I'll also say this -- if you're marrying a person you think will judge you harshly for what's in your past, maybe that's not the right person for you. A life partner should be willing to accept you along with your history, flaws and past mistakes, else s/he's not worth it. It takes a mature, understanding, loving person to do that and that's the kind of person you want to marry, isn't it?
Amit asked, Hi, We have married since 6 months and there r already few problems in understanding in our relations. I like talking to her and spending time with her, but she is non-talkative and is always buzz with her work and i feel ignored. she is not willing to spend time on saturday/sunday/holidays. she is not willing for physical relation. I feel disturbed.
Love Guru answers, She's obviously avoiding you and you need to find out why. Sit her down and explain to her that this current scenario is making you unhappy. This is not how marriage works, particularly not in the first few months, which is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. Ask her if she has any fears about anything, if there's anything that upsets her, why is she being so distant? Hopefully she will answer honestly and you can then find a solution to the problem.
'I'm having an affair with my boss who's 14 years my senior'
demigod asked, i was in a realtionship with a married woman ,when i too was married ,now she doesnt or has not been talking to me for the lat 2 years will she come back with double the intensity
Love Guru answers, Two years have elapsed. What do you think? Probably she's happy with her marriage now and doesn't want to ruin it with an affair. I suggest you move on with your own life.
Sheena asked, HI Love Guru, I m 24 and i m in love with my Boss 38 who is married, and we stay together whn we travel, he also says he loves me ,but whn ever i asked him abut our marriage he avoid.
Love Guru answers, Because he's already married and he's having a good time with you -- I don't think it's very realistic of you to expect a lifetime commitment from him. Sheena, it seems like you're young and naive. This man is 14 years older than you, and even that wouldn't be such a problem if he wasn't your boss and didn't already have a wife! But he does, so please wake up and smell the coffee!
Prajjal asked, I am 45 years and happily married for 13 years. I have very good friendship with one of my colleague. I think I am in love with her. She is 40 yrs old and also happily married with 2 children. She cares for all the fellow colleague specially me. I could not understood whether she is also in love with me. What to do? Should I express my love towards her?
Love Guru answers, You say you're happily married, she's happily married. But you're still thinking of risking your marriage and hers, nevermind your career, to start an affair with her. Does that make any sense?
Gazi07 asked, Hi LG, I am getting married and it is Arrange marriage. As I got only meeting before saying YES so I did not know the Girl very well. Now, after talking to her I found that she is not the one whom I was thinking. How to cope up this?
Love Guru answers, Better to delay or call off a marriage than to enter into one you feel is a mistake. I don't know what went wrong, but this certainly is your fault to a great extent. Who agrees to marrying a virtual stranger in this day and age? First impressions can often be misleading, particularly in an arranged marriage set-up when both partners are trying to impress the other and the real picture is not what it seems!
ff asked, They arent accepting her because she is of another caste.I am 27 years old.We know each other since 8 years
Love Guru answers, That's a very narrow-minded view, in my opinion. They don't even know the girl, but by virtue of the caste she was born into she's judged ineligible? I'd say go for it!
HelpMe asked, I am married its one and half years now, my wife has health problems and she is very immature, I have consulted best doctors in the city as well. Since our marriage we had only thrice sexual intercourse. I am a bit upset, its OK for me if she has health problems, I will be with her forever, but the problem is she will always fight with me for silly reasons and she gets angry for small things. She always complain that I do not love her. But I do. By this she finally ends up in ill health I am a bit tensed and worried, can you please advice.
Love Guru answers, I may be very wrong here, but is it possible that her health problems arise from the fact that she wants constant attention? You say she's immature, childish and constantly hankering for attention, which is why it's plausible that she keeps bringing up health issues for you to constantly lavish care on her. Even if this is not the case, I do think your wife has some growing up to do. Sit her down, explain that she can't behave like a teenager all the time and your word that you love her should be enough. Nor should she throw a tantrum for non-issues. The next time she does, don't tolerate it -- give her the silent treatment till she realises that she has to learn to control herself. And when things do go smoothly, give her enough attention so that she knows that she doesn't have to resort to any tactics.
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, people -- till next week, goodbye and good luck!