Bumped Into Your Ex? What You Can Do

Talking about your ex can be healing, reflective, even helpful.
But if your ex lives rent-free in all your conversations, you need help.

What would you do if you bumped into your ex at a mall, a wedding or in a job interview?

The immediate reaction would be to avoid eye contact or maybe escape into a corner. But isn't that awkward?

Whether you two broke off amicably and continued to remain friends, or you have blocked each other from your current lives, the thought of reconnecting with someone who is no longer a part of your life is not going to be easy.

"If you run into your ex, just be polite. A simple "Hi" or a smile would be nice if you are comfortable," says Ravi Mittal, CEO, Quack Quack, an online dating app.

If you are in a public setting that requires a formal interaction, say, "Hello. I hope you are doing well," advises Anushka Agarwal, a relationship and dating coach based out of Noida.

You do not need to shake hands or hug each other. But don't get sad, angry or emotional.

If you meet your ex at a wedding or any other social situation, "avoid sharing or oversharing details about your current life. Also, do not ask personal or intrusive questions," she warns.

When your ex and you have close mutual friends or shared interests, things can get complicated.

You are allowed to feel weird or express your discomfort but it is important to be transparent about it with your friends.

"Mutual friends shouldn't be dragged into the breakup drama. Seven out of 10 times, things get messy this way," says Ravi.

Is it healthy to talk about your ex?

According to relationship experts, talking about your ex isn't a crime.

"Your intention matters more than your words," says Kanchan Rai, mental and emotional well-being coach and founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation.

You can talk about your former partner or love interest "only when the intention is clean and the energy behind your words is clear," she says.

According to Kanchan, talking about your ex can be healing, reflective and even helpful, especially in the following situations:

• If you're processing a painful experience.
• You're offering guidance or support to someone.
• You're reflecting on what you've learned.

But, she says, it can becomes problematic when your motive is to:

• Vent, blame or shame your ex.
• Provoke guilt or win sympathy.
• Seek attention or keep holding on.

"Then it's no longer about healing; it's about holding on," she explains.

What is the right way to talk about your ex?=

While discussing someone who is not a part of your life, Kanchan says, "you must talk facts and not add to the drama. Focus on your growth, not their faults."

Before sharing any information, ask yourself: Is this relevant?

"If it's helping someone else avoid the same mistake or you’re processing something honestly, go ahead," she says.

Don't be tempted to play the victim. "It is also important to own your part. You stayed, you allowed, you missed the red flags. Take that power back," Kanchan adds.

Staying emotionally neutral also comes with maturity, agrees Anushka.

"If your voices shakes or your tone still turns bitter, it means you are not healed yet," she says.

How not to talk about your ex

Now that they are your ex, resist the urge to share intimate details or share your vulnerable moments with others, says Ravi.

"Sharing passive-aggressive captions and cryptic stories looks immature, not empowering," adds Kanchan.

"Don't bring up your ex in every conversation and most important, don't turn every conversation into 'what they did to me'.

"If your ex still lives rent-free in your conversations, you’re not done yet," she cautions.

No matter how tempting it is, don't try to ruin their image.

"No matter what happened, exposing them or turning people against them lowers your credibility too," she says.

How to talk about your ex with your current partner

If you are recovering from a break-up or separation, it would be best to take some time off to heal or seek help from a therapist.

It would also be healthy to set some boundaries, especially if you are entering a new relationship.

"Late-night texts or regularly checking on your ex even when you are in a new relationship isn't healthy," warns Ravi.

Most important: Don't ever compare your current with your past.

"It isn't fair to either person (your current and your ex)," he says.

Don't involve mutual friends, advises Kanchan. "If you're telling people 'It's between us,' just know it's never just between you," she says.

When does talking about your ex become a red flag?

"It's a red flag if you talk about them too often," says Ravi. "Either you are hung up or you are involuntarily comparing your past and present."

"If you continue talking about them regardless of your partner's discomfort or you start defending them or react a little too much when their name comes up, be careful."

What should you do if your ex reaches out to you -- via text or a call?

"Casually mentioning it in between conversations is a better idea than hiding it," advises Ravi. "People often hide things because either they feel guilty about it or they are afraid of how their partner will react; neither is a great trait to have in a relationship," he explains.

Setting digital boundaries

Do you still stalk your ex on social media?

You are not alone!

But ask yourself why you're still doing it.

• Do you still care for her/him?
• Do you genuinely feel happy for her/him?
• Are you comparing your life to hers/his?

"Social media isn't the problem; it's how you use it," says Anushka. "Liking your ex's posts or following them is fine. But if you are in a steady relationship and your current partner is uncomfortable, you cannot dismiss or ignore it."

Need digital closure? Don't hesitate to block, unfollow or mute if necessary.

"It's easy to stay hung up on an ex when you're checking their profile every day,” Ravi warns.

Can you be friends with your ex?

In an ideal world, according to Ravi, if two exes are completely platonic and they maintain total transparency in their relationships, there shouldn't be any reason for an issue. But, in most cases, emotional boundaries get blurred and insecurity creeps in.

"Though healthy friendships with exes can exist, your current partner's comfort is most important," he says.