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This article was first published 9 years ago  » Movies » GASP! What if The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies was Indian?

GASP! What if The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies was Indian?

By Paloma Sharma/
December 23, 2014 17:12 IST
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Poster of HobbitCome to think of it, parallels between the two worlds are mind-boggling!

In a rather unusual move, Hobbit 3: Battle of the Five Armies, released in India before it released in the United States... and it already has earned an impressive 8.1 rating on IMDb.

Indians have loved Peter Jackson's Hobbit films, which are based on J R R Tolkien's eponymous novels.

It might seem strange that a nation that is obsessed with high-on-histrionics-low-on-logic dance dramas could fall in love with a Hollywood film of a genre that has been more or less butchered in Bollywood (remember Jaani Dushman: Ek Anokhi Kahaani?).

However, if we were to scratch the surface, we'd realise how similar Middle Earth is to modern India.

In fact, if Middle Earth *was* modern India, this is how The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies would play out.

1. The Battle of the Five Armies would be fought for reservation

Erebor, a kingdom carved into the Lonely Mountain, is home to heaps of treasure.

Once Smaug the Magnificent has been slain, trouble erupts as everyone squabbles over what belongs to whom.

Thus, a system of shares would need to be chalked out by a committee which would need to include one member from each race, in order to avoid a war.

However, the committee's verdict would obviously not be accepted by the leaders and the situation would end up in war anyway.

The Battle of the Five Armies would be fought to determine how much of the treasure each one is entitled to.

2. Thorin Oakenshield and Co would be a joint family from Northern India

Big moustaches, a collective dislike for personal hygiene and appalling social etiquette aside, there's one thing that completely cements the Northie-ness:

The lack of women.

Thorin and his company have no female members and dwarvish women perhaps don't even make an appearance in the films (although some fans say that they did spot a couple in stray shots of the market place).

Fili and Kili are Thorin's nephews but they only time we hear their mother mentioned is when he addresses them as sistersons.

There can be only two possibilities in this situation -- either the dwarvish women are confined to the our walls of their homes or they simply do not exist.

These 12 dwarves sure seem to have a worse sex ratio than all of Haryana.

3. Tauriel would be manglik:

Tauriel is a pretty young woman with a heart of gold, who lives forever.

But she just can't seem to find marital bliss. Sounds like the plot from a Balaji serial?

Well, it just might be so.

Tauriel's love story is not very different from that of an average Indian girl (who lives in a daily soap world).

Sample this:

Boy and girl meet.

Boy and girl fight.

Boy falls in love with girl.

Girl rubbishes feelings, chooses duty towards clan.

Boy tries harder only to find that pretty boy is also in love with girl.

Girl cannot reject pretty boy because he is from 'accha khandaan' and all. But girl now loves boy.

(Insert battle/shani ka prakop)

Pretty boy wants to be with girl '4evr' but his Bauji does a K3G and says no.

Girl wants to be with boy but boy dies.

Moral of the story: Girl is obviously manglik.

(Note: This is a tongue-in-cheek column and needs to be read with a huge pinch of salt.)

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Paloma Sharma/ in Mumbai