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Rediff.com  » Getahead » 'I'm tired of casual flings, one-night stands'

'I'm tired of casual flings, one-night stands'

Last updated on: January 14, 2011 18:58 IST

Image: 'I'm tired of one-night stands'

Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on January 13 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.


Love Guru says, Hi there, people! Welcome back to the Love Guru chat, where you can share your love problems and receive advice! Let's get started.


rahi asked, hi lg whether caste factor is very serious for marriage? can 2 caste boy & girl get married with each other easily?

Love Guru answers, That depends upon them -- if they are willing to embrace each other's cultures and have broad-minded views about it, there is no reason why such a relationship won't work. It is only when partners try to impose their religious and cultural beliefs on each other that a problem may arise.


sheena asked, I am a 23 year old girl and often findmyself just having one-night stands with guys but it never turns serious. What should I do?

Love Guru answers, If you are enjoying one-night stands, that is entirely your call -- I'm not here to sit in judgement of you. But if you feel like you want something more from a boy, I'd suggest not falling into bed with him on the first date -- such escapades rarely result in longterm relationships. Maybe you haven't met anyone you're attracted to beyond the physical aspect of things yet. So you need to wait for a man who truly interests and attracts you, beyond just one night of passion. And in the meantime, if you want to continue with your one-off trysts now and again, like I said, it's your choice.


ritesh asked, I am in relationship with my colleague's wife. No one at our families know this. Till when we can have this?

Love Guru answers, Till one or both of you calls it off. Or till it blows up in your faces when your affair is discovered by someone else. I don't think I need to explain to you that what you're doing is unethical. And it could even put your career in jeopardy, considering this is not just a friend, but a colleague. Either end things now or then she separates from her husband to be with you. In which case, you better get ready to bite the bullet, because it won't be pleasant for any of the people involved.


rahulpop asked, hello lg:I love a girl....but she is still thinking of her ex.. i want to be with that girl what can i do...coz i want to help as she helped me forget my ex

Love Guru answers, If her breakup has been recent, it's natural for her ex to be on her mind for awhile. If not, then it's time to make your move! Tell her how you feel and how your attraction for her helped you move on. And that given a chance, you'd like her to move on with you too.


Rathi asked, I have relationship with a guy, now i feel it is to be continued or not?

Love Guru answers, Tell me more, Rathi -- why are you having second thoughts about your relationship? Without knowing the reason behind your confusion, I can't give you advice.


Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

'My sister and fiance are fighting with just a month to go for the wedding'

Image: 'My sister and fiance are fighting with just a month to go for the wedding'

amit asked, What is more important trust or love? Please don't say both or balance I want concrete either of these.

Love Guru answers, Amit, try to look at things from a more flexible perspective -- not everything is always in black and white, sometimes there can be areas of grey too! What is the use of 100 percent trust if you don't love someone in the first place? What good does that do, why would you want to be with someone you feel zero attraction towards? And if you love someone and can't trust her at all, what's the point of that either? You'll be suspicious and fighting all through the relationship. So sorry to disappoint you, but yes, you certainly need both!


jay asked, tell me what can i do if i am in love with my gf but now i like other girl

Love Guru answers, You're attracted to someone else -- that's pretty common. But after being with her, you may realise that the attraction is fading and that you truly love your girlfriend. So unless you think this new gal is worth the risk of giving up someone you're already in love with, don't consider it further.


flytome asked, I am 42 faithfully married for 15 years,Some months back I met my ex whom had broken up with me some 17 years ago. Now I am attracted to her but feel guilty about cheating my wife.

Love Guru answers, As you should. Don't look for thrills outside your marriage -- if it has become boring, that's your own fault. Think of ways to bring the thrill back in the relationship with your wife, instead of trying to reignite a spark that died out nearly two decades ago.


sg asked, worried about my sis..its just one month to her wed..but both of thm keep fighting with each other..thy think thy r nt compatible with eac other.dont know wht to do?

Love Guru answers, A lot of couples get jittery just before marriage and end up arguing over silly things. If they have always been compatible and it's only lately that they've been fighting, it's most likely wedding stress. But if they've always had a volatile relationship, marriage is not the right decision. It's still not too late if they're not sure of going ahead with it -- better to call off a wedding than end a marriage in divorce.


name asked, dear LG, I have a friend who is in love with this girl who is from a difference caste. The problem is that we are not able to get in touch with the girl. We even tried to approach her parents who responded in a very very negative manner. We suspect that they have sent her to one of her relatives house. My friend is really upset suggest as to wat best can be done?

Love Guru answers, You've not said whether she loves him too -- is she his girlfriend or is he just trying to approach her and getting cut off? And second, how old are your friend and this girl? If they're both adults, there's no reason why she can't just walk out of her relatives' house -- it's illegal to detain anyone against their will, even family members. Try finding out where she is through common friends -- it shouldn't be too difficult. And I'm surprised she hasn't even been able to call him on the phone or get someone she trusts to call him and let him know where she is? Is she willing to go against her parents to marry him? There are too many missing facts in your story to tell you exactly what to do here.


Ashu asked, Hi. I am 45 in love with a widow 56 years of age.But she is non-comittal.What do i do ? She neither confirms her love,nor rejects me.I am confused.What shud i do ? Thanks.

Love Guru answers, So tell her to commit or you'll make an effort to move on. How long will you wait for an answer? Either it's yes or no -- tell her you'll take her 'maybe' attitude like a no and walk out anyway, so she may as well tell you whether she wants this relationship or not.


'She abuses my parents whenever we fight'

Image: 'She abuses my parents whenever we fight'

asmita asked, HI, I am in realtionship for last 8 yrs we are married for 3 years now. but the charm is not there..what can be done??

Love Guru answers, You've fallen into a routine and there's no romance anymore -- most couples end up in such a trap. Unless you both make an effort to rediscover the passion, your marriage won't be rewarding. Have more sex, make impulsive plans and just go off on vacation, plan romantic dates, surprise each other with gifts for no reason. I know this sounds like very conventional advice, but Asmita, you'll be amazed at the wonders such small gestures work.


monti asked, my wife always start abusing my parents whenver we have fight over anything..how to control this..

Love Guru answers, Are your parents the reason why you usually end up fighting? If they are, I hope you're living separately or intend to move out if you're not. But there is no reason to use abusive language, unless there's something you're not telling me about. If there's no real problem with your family and she's just abusing them to get your goat, you've already made a mistake by tolerating it so far. If you had reacted the first time she tried it, she wouldn't have repeated the same behaviour. Now you sit her down and explain to her that you're not going to take her name-calling your parents any longer. At all. You don't abuse hers, because you've been brought up to respect your elders. If she cannot do the same, you'll walk out. If she tests you, call her bluff. The next time she abuses your parents, walk out on her. Only if she sees that you mean business will she stop.


xyzabc asked, hi LG, I used to talk friendly with 2 girls. out of them 1 girl said she loved me. one other gal said she already had a boy friend, and left me. soon i was so sad with such a rejection and i hated the reasons the other girl said for loving me. I dont know what i am doing. can you please help what should i do now. I know i should move on with my life but i am not being able to do so. can you please help me.

Love Guru answers, It's human nature -- you want what you can't have and what you can have doesn't seem good enough. Now, instead of exploring whether you're attracted to the girl who loves you and whether she would make a good partner, you're moping about the one who wasn't interested. And why do you hate the reasons she gave for liking you? That really is an odd way of thinking, unless she said something really out of line.


dsfs asked, Hi,LG..4 yrs ago i was attracted to a girl but cudnt propose her n eventually lost her to one of my clg mates..Since then i flirted with girls too many n when they used to completely fall for me, i wud start avoiding them..they were all bful..is it bcoz of that one failure during clg life or something else ? wht do i need to do ?

Love Guru answers, Maybe. If you're saying yourself that these are beautiful, attractive girls you're turning away, you're being foolish. So you couldn't have one girl years ago. That's no reason not to get into a new relationship, is it? Test the waters -- it's time to wade into the dating pool again. Instead of avoiding a girl you're attracted to the next time around, follow it up when she reciprocates.


saddle asked, hi, my wife was away for delivery in her parents home. it is about 7 months and she turned now bit different. she quarrels with me and sometimes doesn't talk. why?

Love Guru answers, Seven months? Women go home for a month or two at the most. It looks to me like she's avoiding the return to your house. Having a child is tough on a woman -- a lot of new emotions, adjusting to life as a mother, hormones causing mood swings...even postpartum depression. You need to bear with her a little. Sit her down, tell her you miss her and want her to come home now, it's been long enough. How long are you supposed to visit your wife and child at your in-laws' home? She probably needs reassurance from you. If anything is bothering her, tell her to be honest with you. I think she wants her parents' support for as long as she can have it, which is probably why she doesn't want to get home in a hurry. But the longer she waits to do it, the more difficult it will become for her to do it.


waqar asked, hey love guru, i am frnds with a girl and we have been exchanging sms regularly and now i want to take it forward but don't know how to do it.please suggest a way

Love Guru answers, Ask her to meet you for coffee. Start meeting up in person. That's how to take it forward.


'She left her parents for me and now she's gone back'

Image: 'She left her parents for me and now she's gone back'

amit asked, I know certainly need both ...but i want which one on priority... I dont want 100% of individual.. but 51%-49% ...Trust should be 51 or love should be 51%? I hope you got me this time

Love Guru answers, No, I definitely haven't got you -- love is not mathematics, so stop trying to reduce it to an equation and wasting my time! You need 100 percent of both!


sabe asked, Hi LG i was married with a girl which is a love mrg. which lasted 4 months only.i had spent nearly 8 Lakhs for the mrg. n during these 4 months she was nice with my parents n me. the mrg was opposed by her parents. she got deputed to another place. that time her parents visited there n persuaded to put divorce care against me. now the case is in court. what should i do now.

Love Guru answers, Visit her and ask what went wrong within four months. Maybe she was not happy and only making an effort to please you and your parents because she knew that she had nowhere else to turn, after cutting off ties with her own parents. I think that's what happened. Maybe she doesn't like living with your parents, but didn't say anything because she was afraid of displeasing them or you. If you want to make your marriage work, you need your wife to know that you'll do what it takes to make her happy and that she shouldn't be afraid to confide in you about anything.


rahulpop asked, Lg: It has been 7 months she brokeup with that guy..she lets me do anything with her but says she cant love me....i want her in my life so not sure wat to do..cant see her suffering tried my best but she says do wat u like but no relationship.

Love Guru answers, What do you mean, she lets you do anything with her? You mean the two of you are sleeping together or are getting physical? If that's the case, she's definitely attracted to you, but is obsessively holding onto her past relationship. Explain to her that she's the one causing herself misery, not her ex. The more hellbent she is on being dramatic about her past, the worse she'll feel. Tell her to make a fresh start instead of repeatedly digging into her own old wounds and preventing them from healing. If she doesn't listen, end things with her -- don't be with someone who claims she doesn't want you. I have a feeling that once she realises how badly she misses you, she will get over this nonsense.


rameshbabu_rs asked, Hi am married with a kid. Lately in office I fell in love with a girl much younger to me. Even she loves me without knowing the fact that am married. I lied to her am unmarried and finally had sex with her. I really want to marry her as well after telling her the truth and my wife as well. I need to convince both my wife and this girl. Do let me know what to do. Am confused and i knw am in deepshit

Love Guru answers, I hope that you realise marrying twice is an offence. You've lied to lure this girl into bed with you. You've cheated on your wife. And you want her to accept another woman in your life? What are you thinking? First come clean with this girl -- if she has any sense she'll never want to see you again, whether you want to marry her or not. You cannot deceive people like this and if you don't come clean and choose between your family and her soon, you'll wind up in a worse situation than you're in now.


parveen asked, hi> i was involved wt married classmate of past, we were madly in love n had sex after lot of ponderance of marrying each other, but then thngs dint happen way we wanted. He keeps calling me to be togather. But i refused to come near him as i feel its wrong to have sex wtout a relation. Now he is pissed off n refuses to return my calls or messages punishing me for not listening to him. I love him a lot to lose him but dont want to do anythng wrong. I want him to take my responsibilty first. Wat to do as Im missing him like mad. Pl advse

Love Guru answers, Is he still married? If so, then I think you've made the right decision -- you're right. Let him take responsibility for you and commit to you first. If he's just calling you for some fun on the side, don't fall for it. But if he's not married any longer, there's no reason why you can't start dating.


Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, folks! Till next week, take care and post any queries you have on the .