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Rediff.com  » Getahead » 'I had a casual fling and now I feel guilty'

'I had a casual fling and now I feel guilty'

Last updated on: January 10, 2011 18:24 IST

Image: 'I had a casual fling and now I feel guilty'

Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on January 6 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.


Love Guru says, Hey there, people...welcome back to the Love Guru chat! Let's get started shall we?


rahulagga asked, Hi loveguru...A very important question... I have had a relation of 5 years by now. For the past 1 year we were living in different cities. But our relation went on smoothly. A few days ago we met. I was very happy. But she told me now that a few days ago, she had gone into a office party and got drunk and slept with someone. She has apologised to me. She still says she loves me and it was a mistake.But I am confused. I felt really bad, but what should i do now? Help me please.

Love Guru answers, It's unfortunate that something like that happened. I would say you're perfectly justified in ending the relationship if you want to, but if you want to forgive her, that's okay too in this situation. Because she could have kept what happened to herself and you'd have never known about it. But she was honest about it and apologised -- even though it must have been difficult for her. I'd say she is keen on making amends and loves you and made a mistake. Now whether you want to forgive her or not is your call.


SimpleGal asked, Due to some confusion, I am curious to know from you that "Is it good to consult our grand parents+elder relatives for love matter?". Since they are happy being married since long by an arranged marriage at that time without any income but both sighted bright future and today they are eating ripe fruit peacefully!

Love Guru answers, It's always good to talk to people who have been in longterm relationships and marriages, whether they're your elders or someone else's! Their experiences may serve as examples to you.


love life asked, Can we say we are in true love if we love two peoples at the same time? If no, what does a true love means ? Is it just putting faith in one person or it could be the same feeling for 2 peoples as well.. Please answer the question.. Thanks LG.

Love Guru answers, It's not common, but yes, you can sometimes be attracted to two people at the same time. The important thing is to establish whether it is love and if so, who is more compatible as your partner.


kiink asked, 28 yr gal,wrkg in mnc,few months back had one night stand wth guy,after tht we r contiuing in touch with each other,whenever he comes to town ,he always calls me we hve fun,now i reasing he just comws here for fun,sometimes insists me to also enjoy with his friends,now i just cut off relationship with guy,change my job n place,but gone throiugh rough time.hi

Love Guru answers, You had a no-strings relationship and now you're feeling guilty about it. Look, you made a choice -- then you realised it was the wrong one for you and worked towards rectifying the situation and making a new start. I would say let the past be where it belongs and look for a new man in your life, one who is interested in more than just sex. You're depressed about what happened, but you need to snap out of it -- look at it as a learning experience. Everyone messes up sometimes, but don't be too hard on yourself. It's a new year and time for new beginnings -- if you're having more trouble than you anticipated, see a therapist.


Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

'Should I marry my best friend, even though I don't have romantic feelings for him?'

Image: 'I'm not in love with my best friend, but I'm thinking of marrying him'

Duryodhan asked, Hii...loveguru, wass up!! I think arrange marriage quite adventurous, do u know why?? I think ITS BETTER TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A STRANGER WHO IS COMPATIBLE AND ACCEPTED BY FAMILY. What do u think??

Love Guru answers, That's provided you do fall in love, isn't it Duryodhan? Your parents may choose a great girl, but you may simply not be attracted to her. Or they may like her personality, while you don't. Personally, I would say you should get to know someone well before planning to marry him/her. But that by no means is a guarantee to a successful marriage -- sometimes those who marry for love fall out of it too! I'm just saying that when you know who you're marrying, the risk is usually a little smaller.


tania asked, Hi Love Guru I have known a person for the last 4 years. He is my good friend & a very nice human being. He is in love with me & wants to marry me. But I have not given any reply to him. I have told him that I am not inetested in getting married right now. But now my parents are seriously looking out for a boy for me. Now the problem is that I want to get married to a person whom I have known for quite some time & he is one of them, But I really dont have any feelings for him. Is it really imp to have feelings before I get married? Or feelings will come with time.I am quite worried about this. Please help. My problem is just the feelings else he is a fantastic person.

Love Guru answers, Hi Tania. First I'm going to ask you, do you think you can spend the rest of your life with someone you're not attracted to? What about sex -- do you think it will be comfortable for you with your friend? It's all fine to say that this guy is great and will make a super husband, but will you be a devoted wife? Is this situation fair to him? Yes, love can grow over time, but that is a 50-50 situation -- it may not come at all. And then what are you going to do? Leave this poor fellow? You know your situation -- if there is a hint of attraction to your friend, go with it. If there really isn't at all, don't delude yourself into it because you're fearful of marrying a stranger. And there's no reason to marry one -- even a boy of your parents' choice, you should spend time with and get to know well enough before giving an answer.


sui asked, I am a married person but my marriage life is about to finish. as we are deciding to take divorce. and now i have a friend (girl) we never met in real but used to talk on phone and on chat. i love her very much but i never told her. we are supposed to be good friends only. i think she also loves me but i am not sure. what should i do to confirm ? should i propose her ?

Love Guru answers, Not at all. First meet her in person! And remember, your divorce is hardly final yet -- this is not the right time to dive head-first into another relationship on the rebound! Sure, meet this girl, get to know her properly and if you're both attracted to each other, take it forward. But all in good time -- don't dive straight into it.


thong asked, Hi LG. I am from Thailand and heard lotz about u.. now i m in india and in love with hindu girl.. she loves me too but her parents are against of this.. we have shared everything and she is mad on me.. should i get her to thai and marry her? Pls suggest...

Love Guru answers, If she's willing to go against her parents and you are both of legal age, you can marry anywhere in the world as consenting adults. I just hope this is not a decision you've made overnight and that you know this girl well enough -- don't do anything rash or impulsive. Weigh the situation carefully before you make such a move. Will she like living there? Is she prepared to severe ties with her parents? Does she realise she will be leaving her home and everything and everyone she knows to live abroad with you? Can she be sure she won't change her mind?


'Just before I proposed, I got to know she's getting married next month'

Image: 'Just before I proposed, I got to know she's getting married next month'

k asked, people come to you for advise and your advise to rahulagga that 'he is justified if he wants to sever relationship' is not correct. the latter portion of your advise is correct - on what basis would you say he is justified to sever that relationship?

Love Guru answers, Some people have a hard time trusting others. If such a person's trust is broken, it's possible that they can never regain it. She cheated on him, in spite of being in a serious relationship for five years. Now, even if she is repentant, if he cannot get over it and forgive her, there's no sense delaying the inevitable, is there? I could tell him that he should definitely give it another try, but it should be something he's capable of. Remember that they are in a long distance relationshop and she has already betrayed him once. If they're going to be fighting every day over his suspicions, it makes no sense to carry on with things. Only if he can truly understand and rise above his own hurt should he give it a second chance.


SweetPainLove asked, Hi LG, m a girl who's in a committed relation wid a guy since 3yrs, everythng's ok btwn us except d fact dat our marriage future isn't secure as his family will strongly oppose to it. Evn though our M plan is stil 5yrs away bt i m vry scared bcz my bf clearly told me dat he cant n wont go against his family if they dont accept.Bt i hv dis gut feeling dat he wont b abl to evn tell his family abt me. I donno wht to do? Shud i continue my relationship wid him or shud i not? Plz help. Its true dat he's d 1 who helped me overcome many bad scenarious n he does a lot for me.

Love Guru answers, He may be the cat's whiskers, but if he's not going to marry you, you''ll end up having thrown away eight years of your life on this boy. And how foolish are you to consider enduring five years more of this suspense, knowing fully well that you will most likely be dumped overnight if his parents say no -- which most likely they will? Either he commits to marrying you, or then end it now.


daxini asked, one of my friend is and was in love with her boy friend since the day she started talk to on the personal friend and had help in all possible way to bring out from the emotional crises court cases at the same time boy friend also made her feel he is in love and want to spend the life with him and got married to each without anyone presence and now she still love her boy friend but her friend has stated neglecting her and not responding to her call nor accepting the fact they had relationship of all kind True love love from friend and just a game the boy friend plan to get the help and emotional support in crises

Love Guru answers, What are you trying to say! Will you please frame your sentences in a manner that makes sense?


dhruva asked, Hi LG, please answer today, i liked a girl , both of us were working in the same office, but when I was about to propse her, came to know she is getting married this Feb. Please help how to overcome this ??? Please LG HELP ME

Love Guru answers, It's a little late in the day, but it's not the end of the world! If she is a really close friend of yours, you can still tell her how you feel. At least that way you'll know that you tried, if nothing else. If you hardly know her, I'd suggest not saying anything at all. There are plenty of other fish in the sea!


'I ruined my marriage because I couldn't accept that my wife is more educated'

Image: 'I ruined my marriage because I couldn't accept that my wife is more educated'

shevta asked, im married for 6 yrs....met my husbands friend and had a casual fling with him..now my husband knows about it and says he doesnt love me...i want to mend things between both of us.....what do i do please help?? Please help

Love Guru answers, You need to talk to your husband first and find out if he's interested in saving the marriage. Have you even asked for forgiveness and a second chance yet? Does he think he can learn to trust you again? Try to talk things out and opt for couples' counselling if you're serious about fixing your relationship. This is not something that couples can get over by just talking it through.


pool asked, hello LG, i am in the midst of hollowness as i was deserted by the one and only love of my life.. my hubby. I was so madly in love with him that i couldn't even imagine my life without him. But i was also sure of one thing that it was entirely one sided love. Whatever happened was just unpredictable and was very far beyond my wildest imaginations. He ditched me. So i decided to seperate my life from him and now we are divorced. Now i am no more in conversation with him. but still i hv the same feelings of love for him. But he didn't even bother to contact me even once. I am trying to move ahead in my life but scared if the same thing happened to me again than what would i do. Plz. advice.

Love Guru answers, I'm glad to hear you were strong enough to end your marriage and move on, in spite of being in love. But you're fretting needlessly -- why do you think the same thing will happen to you again? You're worth loving and you will meet someone who is attracted to you too, sooner or later. If it ever happens that things are one-sided again, close that chapter before it opens!


punit asked, Hi Love Guru, I got married last year, but i couldn't digest the fact that my wife is more educated than me. Although she knew that I am not educated, she accepted me wholeheartedly. But my male ego was hurted and i always tried to supress her. my fault. she left me within 3 months, and has filed for divorce, its been more than one and a half year since the divorce was filed. i m not keen on divorcing her because i love her. i know she will never come back to me because of all the bad things i have done to her...what do i do? should i ask her to give me a chance??? please help...

Love Guru answers, So basically, your big fat ego ruined your marriage. You can try asking for another chance -- nothing to lose there. But you'll have to grovel a lot, promise to change your ways and then abide by those promises. Do you think you can do that? If not, don't prolong things unnecessarily. If she loves you too, she will take you back -- depending, of course, on just how awfully you behaved, which you haven't elaborated upon.


sonam asked, hi LG, i am in a relation with a guy from past 5 years.i was happy with him but after 3 years he atarted doubting me for every reason.Main thing is that we are Engaged Now i am involved with other guy whome i like more.he understands me bettr.But what should i do,i am alredy engaged..

Love Guru answers, Well, Sonam, his doubting you is justified to an extent, isn't it? Because you are cheating on him! If you think your boyfriend understands you better that your fiance and you love him more, it's still not too late. Better to call off an engagement than get into a marriage that's doomed from the start!


Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, folks! See you next week, same time, same place! Till then, post your queries on the .