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DEAR LOVE GURU: My ex is engaged to my good friend

By LOVE GURU
April 20, 2022 12:54 IST
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My ex is engaged to my friend

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I am from mechanical background and work as an engineer. My wife is an IT professional. We got married in 2014 by finding through matrimony site and same caste.
I belong from Haryana and she is primarily from UP and we have grown in different cities. She has one sister (IT professional) who got divorced in 2012 and married again in 2014 after our engagement.
Everything was fine. The story started after the engagement.
I noticed she used to talk her jija
(PG guest house renter) and I showed him caution since she did not attend my call in between.
I again noticed her commanding behaviour when we were selecting the menu selection (food) for the upcoming function that was to happen at my place but I ignored it.
Honeymoon was in Singapore where his brother played a role for ticket arrangement and agency where I paid her half the amount as per her wish.
In the honeymoon also, I noticed she use to go to the bathroom and keep sending information to her family members which I ignored.
By now I was of a view that she use to share thick and thin with her family members. After we married, I was supposed to go to Pune for two nights and she was alone in our flat.
When I came back, I asked the security guard to share visitors list and saw her jija’s name (might be with her sister). I took a photo and went to the flat.
I asked her anyone had come and she lied to me. Then it turned to be a hell fight and in the morning she put herself on her knees and said sorry and said it will not repeat.
But this did not stop here. My and her office was in Gurgaon and sometimes she said please come for pickup. I went to her office two hours prior to her given time and caught her again with her jija and her sister.
This kind of stuff I noticed two-three times. Once, we were roaming in a craft mela and we came across her jija and her sister.
She used to go her home without telling for how much time she is going and all.
This resulted in no stuff shared by me also. Her parents never called me and I also never connected with her parents and brother or her family.
Whenever any fight happens, she shouts loudly to attract attention and she uses sex as a tool to forget every matter and move on.
On the festival front, she carries on with her ways and has never accepted our ways. She always mentions, ‘Tum logon ko puja bi nahi karni aati.’
Her brother and parents visited only five-six times in seven years. They have a big time connection with elder jija.
We have never take any penny from her salary till now because, on many occasions, I found her of ill-mentality. With God’s grace, we have two flats and our financial background is good.
Whenever I try to ask her about her bank balance, she never gives answers. I tried to convince her that you pay my loan, I will give you EMI, but she always said she will think about it.
I have four sisters. After we married, we visited them. She never gave them a penny and would always ask me; she would also say that I don’t have khulle paise. On one occasion she said, “Mere paise chori ho gaye.”
It was the initial stage so we ignored it. But after that my shirt went missing and some stuff went missing. We also noticed a few times that our money was also stolen. We suspect her but are not sure about her behaviour.
My sisters stay in the village and they came once in a year so there is no disturbance from my family.
My mother is 75 years old and a very polite lady. She stays with us and interferes nothing in matters.
We have two kids now. One of our kids is just ignoring her and the second kid is somewhat going with her and when I am at home he also usually spends time with me.
She is never kind of playing and mixing person with kids and my behaviour is to mix and that’s the reason both kids connect well with me.
Her parents stay in Dhanbad. She had gone there one year back but the kids refused to go. She put the blame on me. I told her that I can come along with kids to which she said big joke.
After coming back from home, I notice she started saying no to everything -- like going our second home in the village or to attend any ceremony or saying no to sex, etc.
Though I am a through gentleman, we ignore her but recently she provoked me and I said blah, blah, blah since she also use blah, blah, blah and recorded and called her brother and mother at our home.
They use her father only for calling. Her father called and said, ‘Why are you using bad language?’ I said the same was used by her.
They came my house twice for meeting. Her brother was quiet and mother overspoke.
My wife used to threaten me three-four time for divorce and I kept ignoring her words. I mentioned this to her mother. Her mother in that meeting she will be here with taunting.
She did the same thing to provoke second time and this time her mother use to never stop shouting along with my wife. Her brother also used abusive language and they brought one retired inspector. However, that retired person talk genuinely. He was from Haryana and, on many points, he mentioned festivals have family traditions.
I never like her food in seven years not due to the bad reflection but due to her making recipe. I tried to change it in initial days, but she always tries to be heavy on me once I approach kitchen. So I left that and started eating. After two recent fights, there are no talks and I have kept one maid to cook my food.
Now she used to go in the market/bank /her family frequently to disturb the atmosphere of the family.
The big disconnect I found is she is full with backbiting and negative approach behaviour and never gives heed to positive behaviour. Either she will be quiet or she will be loud and attach no midway to discuss and debate.
After all this, what I concluded is that my wife is totally hacked mind and adopted ill tactics to down me. Her family members are playing smartly and may be using her money also at the same time I observe that she don’t want to break with me.
They want to put pressure on me by emotion/threaten means for the gaps (kids are not connected with her or her family).
My thinking is time is a big healer and I have large mind to digest the situation comings. Please suggest me what can be best interest of this situation.
Thanks

Most of what you have written makes no sense.

If she is attached to her sister and brother-in-law, or even to her whole family, that should not be an issue for you. They are her family.

It’s not like she’s having an affair. And it’s not like she spends an unreasonable amount of time with them, is it? In fact, her parents are not even in the same city.

You not liking her cooking sounds like a complaint from the Middle Ages -- hiring a cook seven years ago would have helped instead of fighting!

And if she has a temper problem, that can be addressed as well, with mature discussions between the two of you. Involving other family members there is a mistake.

You’ve given importance to so many non-issues in your mail to me that I’m wondering where exactly the problem lies. Visit a marriage counsellor -- both of you.

 

Dear Love Guru
I have a big problem.
I am having an arranged marriage and it is a good match.
The problem is they want me to have ghoongat when elder guests come and when we go to the hometown. When only his parents are there at home, they say ghoongat is not needed.
We have never had ghoongat in our home.
Everyone is telling me not to say no to such a good proposal just because of the ghoongat. But I have never worn a ghoongat and I don’t want to wear.
Everyone is getting very upset with me.
I am wrong in this? I should be adjusting? Please tell me what you think.

You are not wrong AT ALL -- your whole family is and so is his!

Women having to cover their faces is oppressive, regressive and shameful in my opinion. Do not stand for it!

I think you should break this match off because the family you’re marrying into sounds really regressive and treats women like second class citizens.

 

Dear Love Guru
Offline college has started and, in the very first week, I have really, really liked this boy.
I am not a frivolous kind of person and I never thought something like this would happen to me college.
We don’t know each other really, we are just classmates. It’s all very awkward for me and my friends can see I like him and they tease me. It will be worse if he comes to know.
I cannot discuss this with my family, I don’t want advice from my friends who are my age.
Can you tell me what I should do now?
Confused

It’s just a college crush, my dear…nothing to get so uptight about. It’s normal at your age.

You can tell your friends you don’t want him to know, but so what if he does? Maybe he likes you too or will ask you out?

There’s really no set course to follow in these matters. Just enjoy your college days and years!

 

Dear Love Guru
This is not exactly a love problem but kind of related.
My ex and my good friend are engaged and it’s left me feeling very awkward.
It’s uncomfortable to see her with him.
I don’t want to give up the group or them because we are all very good friends.
Everyone’s struggling to adapt to the new dynamics and I’m feeling bad.
How do I handle this?

The way you’re feeling is perfectly natural and this situation is more common than you think.

I know of someone who has been in the exact same position as you and he was the bigger person back then.

Today, things are so normal between him and the couple; they’re still good friends and laugh about what was a few years ago.

My point is, what you want to achieve -- a new normal -- is very possible.

Since you’re all within the same group, I’d suggest riding things out. You make an effort to normalise things and they will do the same. The new dynamic will become the norm in time, you’ll see.

Let time take away your discomfort. It will.

 

Dear Love Guru
Hi. There is this girl I really like but she was with someone else for three years.
They broke up six months ago and we have become closer since then because I am there for her.
She sees me as a friend.
I want to be there for her in whatever way she wants me but, if there is any chance of this becoming something more, I want to try. At the same time, I don’t want her to feel I was taking advantage of her problems because, honestly, I am not. And I always want to be there for her. I don’t want that to break.
I’m in a situation where I don’t know what to do. I really hope you can help me.

Speak.

Open your mouth and tell her how you feel.

Six months is long enough.

Explain that you want to be with her, but that if she wants nothing more than friendship, you are happy to continue with things the way they are.

Also tell her what you told me; that you are in no way looking to take advantage of her vulnerability, but that you care for her deeply.

Good luck!

  • Read all of Love Guru's columns here.

This column is not for the psychologically disturbed, or those who need professional help for severe mental trauma. It's for those who can't discuss their issues freely with parents, or friends or partner. Or dog. Or just want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual.

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