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ASK ANU: 'Boyfriend alleges I'm cheating on him'

April 06, 2022 10:35 IST

In this weekly self-help series, mental health and life coach Anu Krishna tells you how to take control of your life.

'He was everything I dreamed of, but...

Illustration: Dominic Xavier/

Is your relationship causing you stress?

Are you feeling lonely, helpless, indecisive?

You are not alone!

As part of an initiative to help Rediff readers, mind/life coach, NLP trainer and mental health guru Anu Krishna wants you to talk about your problems.

Every week, Anu will answer your queries, address your concerns and offer expert advice on how you can take control of your life.

Dear readers, if you have a question for Anu, please e-mail it to (Subject: Ask ANU) for her advice.

Meanwhile, here's the unedited excerpt from Anu's latest offline session with readers:

S: Dear Anu hope you are doing well.
While I was pursuing my postgraduation I met a guy in my university who was 8 years older to me and we were in the same class. I was 23.
We were great friends. I helped him in English and to write messages that he would send to other girls 'in English.
This went on until the girl (teacher of the university) rejected his proposal.
He proposed me a few days later. I accepted it.
He wanted marriage, I wanted time.
The relationship lasted for 5 months before he ended it. He wanted to be friends.
Every now and then I message him regarding my problems and he offers me a solution or at least consoles me.
That’s how our friendship had started.
It’s been 2 years now. He never texted me but always replied back.
While in the relationship he has always been looking around at other girls. The relationship had been very controlling, dominating but did help me during my difficult times.
I don't know what it was. Did he even love me?
He wants to be friends with me the entire lifetime. What does my friendship or presence offer him? 
He has also taken academic help from me during university days.

Dear S,

The very fact that you have asked me this question as to whether he loved you at all simply suggests that you have the answer to that.

Certain actions of people can make us quite unsettled and I would like to point you to the fact of him proposing to you almost immediately after he was rejected by the other girl (teacher).

What does that tell you?

Doesn’t it seem that he is possibly incapable of taking rejections and also wants to feel the aura of woman around him all the time?

Aren’t these messages enough for you to be able to find someone more mature and someone who respects your presence in his life and wants to marry you for love and a life together rather than to make him feel secure, whole and complete?

Never try and fill an emotional void in a person which must be filled by them on their own accord. Once you fill it, another void will be waiting to be filled by someone else and before you know, you will be caught in a loop that can’t be untied.

Your presence offers him warmth, attention and care of woman that you have possibly been splurging on him.

When he finds another woman offering this, he might be ready to try that as well. Be your own person, guard your boundaries and let people in who nourish you and accept you for who you are.

Be well and happy!

KN: Hi Anu, I would like to be anonymous.
I got cheated by my boyfriend in my 20s and was in depression. My parents thought that it would be nice if I get married to someone who is elder to me and we'll settled.

They got me a match who is 13 years elder than me. Joint family, one sister separated with her kid in the same house, one unmarried.
I said yes but had the intuition that something is wrong. No one trusted me and I got married to the man.
From Day 1, we were fighting. I tried to take help from my parents to get separated after a year but they didn't help me due to societal pressure. After my son born, he paid no attention towards my son and me for 7 months. But this time he told that he was busy at work. I returned to my in-laws.
He tried to control everything –my friends, he restricted my social media accounts and also kept a screenshot of my conversation with my ex-boyfriend, threatening me to reveal it to my mom and dad. He also had the habit of not talking for 2-3 months in the same house. He did it for almost 10 years and pressurised me to have a second child.
During my pregnancy, he yelled at me calling me mad and fought with me. He called my father and told him I am mad and sent me to my mom and dad again for delivery.
Keeping my elder son for reference he tells to come back again. He doesn't provide any financial support and is threatening again with screenshots.
He often checks my mobile without my permission affecting my BP. I don't know why? I lost my sleep at night for several months by now. I am not able to concentrate on anything. Negative thoughts occupy my mind. I have a kid of 1.5 years with me.
Please help. I am mentally devastated. Thank you.

Dear K,

What advice will you give a close friend if she came to you with the same problem that you have stated? Will you ask her to reconcile or keep her sanity intact?

Controlling the spouse is a classic way of coping for insecurity related issues within a relationship.

Being years older to you and having a young wife possibly might have given him goosebumps of you being attractive to people your age.

Whatever the reason, being passive aggressive and registering his insecurity through not talking for months, stalking you, monitoring your social media accounts, threatening to blackmail you with screenshots from your previous affairs; does it all sound like he is a person who you want to spend your life with?

If you still feel there is small chance and you want to, seek the help of a professional who can work with him and then the two of you to create an element of trust that is absolutely missing.

Any relationship that lacks trust, just crumbles as the foundation is weak and every little act that questions the other person’s integrity drives a further wedge.

You have a child that is dependent on you; be strong and whichever way that you choose, drive it…Inaction is what is causing you health issues, so do something NOW.

All the best and Be Strong.

TG: Hi Anu, I am in a relationship with a girl from my office for nearly 1.5 years now. We both speak Marathi only sub caste is different.
At start of our relationship we discussed about it as she tells me her parents will not support her, so I convinced her that I will support her in every way possible to convince her parent and will stand with her though every situation.
I am 31 years old and she is 27. Her parents told her that she has 2 years for marriage so she is currently focusing on career right now.

My parents are forcing me for marriage. As her family has issues with my subcaste and she is not willing to disclose our relationship for another 2 years. So I told her that I will wait for 1 year then we can disclose our relationship to both families mines and her, if your family agrees we can wait for one more year so that she can focus on career and she can get 2 years as per her parents.
Moreover I will always support her in career and family issues. But still she is not ready she told me that she will not tell her family about our relationship until 2 years are complete.
Can you please suggest me any solution for this?

Dear TG,

At this point, what is missing for you possibly is if after the wait, if she will still be there in the relationship?

If she isn’t willing to complicate her family life at this point in time, I guess she has valid reasons for that which must be respected.

But what If the two of you sit down where you can put down your feelings and find an amicable way of easing this.

I am sure there are a lot of ifs and buts that is making you feel the way that you are. It is only imperative that you called out to her and be firm and assertive as to how this might be playing in your mind.

For all you know, once she hears your side of the story and she shares hers, solutions emerge from that especially when the commitment is strong.

So, have that one meaningful conversation where feelings, fears and insecurities are shared and watch how the two of you will come up with something wonderful as a solution.

All the best!

L: Hi Anu, my husband is misunderstanding me. He is blaming me for not listening him.
I'm trying to change myself to him. Whatever I do he is not ready to accept me.
He wanted a 100% perfect Indian woman. He wanted me like his mother I guess. But I have born and brought up differently I don't bother about some cultures.
He imagined me like his dream wife based on my looks. Now he is telling that I'm a totally different woman, I have to change.

Dear L,

Today you change and become like his mother, tomorrow the demand will be something else. We are who we are.

What exactly irks him?

The way you dress or the way you speak, the way you are with elders, rituals not being met?

Figure this out…sometimes, small changes can lead to great ease in the relationship.

Also as you make the effort, do communicate that it will be nice if he did see things your way in  a few things as well.

Mid-point in a marriage can be hard to achieve but very effective for the marriage to last long. Else only one person changes and the whole thing becomes lopsided.

Try and be empathetic when he talks but make sure you gently push back what you want and who you are.

If it feels too much to do, seek the help of an elder in the family to step in.

Give in a little, smile and also at the same time make sure that you are who you are!

Best wishes!

D: Hi I am 23 years old and had a first relationship with 4 years younger boy.
Everything between us was picture perfect. He was everything I ever dreamt of, but after 1 year our relationship turned toxic.
He's acting like he wasn’t aware that ups and downs come but we should stick to each other.
He asked to break up twice and we again came together but now it’s been months we aren’t together anymore.
I’m emotionally attached to him but tired of bearing this pain and constantly fearing he will leave me when conditions aren’t favourable. 
But after break up he still wants to be friends. I even agreed that.
Even in friendship he's talking and roaming as per only his convenience.
Guide me how to come out of pain as I’m pursuing one of the renowned career course and also this also is affecting my mental health.

Dear D,

Emotional maturity is what is in question here. He still is at an age where commitment is not something he is aware of.

It’s like try this relationship, if it doesn’t work, try another one and so on….

Give him time to settle his emotions till he is ready for a committed relationship; which does not mean, you wait around for ever.

Now that you are ‘friends’ or not, please surround yourself with people your age and if an interesting person comes along, see where that goes.

As far as being attached to him goes, do you really want to continue to inflict pain on yourself by basing your entire emotional world with him?

The world is huge and so are your sights…. Focus on yourself and what you love and be in that space to find yourself again.

Be kind to yourself, all the best! 

BM: Hello mam. I am in a relationship with a boy and we both love each other and also want to get married but he doesn’t trust me at all.
I tell him everything, yet he thinks I am a liar and alleges that am cheating on him. He doubts me in every single thing even he don't allow me to talk to any guy or girl not even my friends and he doesn't like when I step out from my home.  
He gets scared when I step out or get to my college. He keeps reminding me to not to cheat or not to talk with anybody. All these things got me into stress and frustration and I feel so bad that the person I love doesn't trust me.
We had lot of fights because of this. He abuses me and makes me angry.
As I am a college going student, I can't manage my studies because of fights and his bad behaviour.
He always tries to prove me wrong and make me feel guilty. He thinks very bad about me and makes his own stories adding fake stories and allegations. 
In the past 2 years there is not a single day when I didn't have to explain him. But he is not ready to accept. He only wants to hear what he thinks not the real truth if I say that u are misunderstanding me he says no he is 100% right and you are wrong. One of his friends put one story 2 years ago with a girl hiding her face and the top she is wearing on that picture. I have the same top and he knows it. He doubted that the girl is me. I am tired answering his doubts. I got so much anger and feel disrespectful.
I love him; he is my first and one and only boyfriend.  I do everything for him. But he treats me rudely he always starts his conversation with doubt like: where are you coming from? even if I didn't go anywhere he thinks that I went somewhere to meet someone. He tortures and abuses me like this. Every time I forgive him but he kept repeating that behaviour. 
I can't even live without him. I give him my love, everything.  But I didn't get anything.
He thinks that I always do things by planning but I don't. He thinks that I always want to ruin his life, break his heart or cheat him but that's all wrong.
He is making his mind so negative he thinks so negative about me. Because of his doubts problem I don't talk to anybody -- no friends, no guys but he thinks that I am talking to any guy and I'm lying that I don't I give every possible proof but he didn't trust me at all.
He thinks that I tell people about him I gossip about him but I didn't do that I didn't even talk to anybody. He doesn't even want to breakup with me.
I explained him that for our peace we have to separate he didn't want that also. He put such bad allegations on me about my character, my sexual status.
I am a virgin but I didn't accept that. He makes me feel so sad and helpless I don't know what to do I’m helpless I didn't even share these things with anyone.
Sometimes I feel suicidal also.  He has just all control over my life my mind but also he didn't give me respect, love or value.
Plzzz help me mam what should I do with his doubts and trust issue. I am so depressed, plzzzz help me out. I’m stuck in it.

Dear BM,

Have you heard of emotional abuse? That is exactly what you have been facing.

And why are you putting up with this? Because you maybe feel a sense of validation in this relationship.

What sort of a relationship demands constant proving and to the extent of having to prove that you are a virgin.

How is it any of anyone’s business whether you are a virgin or not? This relationship is toxic and has begun to alter your personality and who you are meant to be.

Take charge and NOW. Be YOU and what you always stood up for, because all this putting up with his idiosyncrasies, is causing you pain and moreover your inner self does not want to allow it.

Yet you are stuck to it giving yourself the story that he is the only boyfriend. BREATHE, take a step back and OBSERVE.

It’s time for you to draw out a beautiful life ahead of you and colour it as brightly as you intend.

What exactly are you waiting for? More abuses, more toxicity to hit and dampen your sprightly spirit?

Get a hold of yourself dear girl, be brave and do the right thing. Help yourself…Seek close friends who will hold space for you!

You can do this. Best wishes!

Anu Krishna is a mind coach, author and co-founder, Unfear Changemakers LLP and Soulful Exploration LLP. She's an NLP Trainer (National Federation of Neuro Linguistic Programming, NFNLP, USA), Energy Work Specialist (Institute for Inner Studies, Manila), Executive Member of Indian Association of Adolescent Health (M.I.A.A.H) and Member of Quality Circle Forum of India (QCFI). She has authored the self-coaching book: The Secret of Life – Decoding Happiness.

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