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Rediff.com  » Getahead » After having a baby, we drifted apart!

After having a baby, we drifted apart!

September 14, 2017 11:25 IST

Is it easy to save a marriage that is falling apart? Not really, discovers this writer.

Uttam Ghosh 

How many of you have had problems in your marriage?

I'm sure we all do, right?

I had a love marriage, and he was the first man I ever got intimate with.

We both had our share of heartbreaks before we met each other.

But once we met, we realised that we had found the person we want to live our life with.

We dated for a good four years, and during that time, I had never been surer of what I wanted from life.

I was truly happy being with him, and he too had eyes only for me.

We were in love, we were happy, and soon we were planning to get married.

The marriage happened, and we moved to a new city to start our lives together. It was wonderful.

He already had a high flying profile and was super busy.

I had also got a transfer from my current job to the city we had moved to, and we were both ready to build a life and a future together.

Within the first year, I got pregnant, and we both decided it would be best for me to stay home and take care of my health, and then be with the baby. It was a joint decision.

After the initial months of pregnancy, my husband started traveling more often.

He was already traveling at least two weeks a month, but now, he would be gone for at least three weeks at a stretch, then home for a week maybe, then again off.

It will be fair to say that I barely saw him through those pregnancy months.

As we were alone in the city, my husband felt it best that I go and stay with my in-laws for the delivery.

It was a wrong choice, I must admit, especially because my in-laws had never really liked me.

This was a time when I started feeling really depressed and alone.

I told my husband I was missing him, but he would always tell me that whatever he was doing was for our future.

The baby was born, we came back home, and soon I realised that the person I had been in love with and had married was hardly ever around.

Now, even when on the few occasions that he would be home, there was nothing for us to talk about.

I would tell him about the baby, but it barely interested him anymore.

He would be too busy with his laptop, messages and calls. Some weekends would be spent in breakfast or dinner meetings.

For me, it was just me and the baby, and I gradually started enjoying it, and accepting it as my life.

To be honest, we drifted apart.

I could see that there was nothing that could make this better. I spoke to him a few times, but nothing changed.

In fact, through all these years, we barely even know each other's friends or colleagues!

We decided to have a second baby, because we could see the marriage would eventually not work, and we didn't want our child to be lonely.

I am glad we took that decision because today, no matter what happens, they have the strongest friend and support for life in each other.

Two years back, we started marriage counselling and therapy to give our marriage another shot.

A few months back, we started visiting one of the country's top marriage counsellor and sexologist (especially because we do not share a physical relationship ever since our second baby was conceived, which is almost nine years).

We were clear about our problems and honest about our feelings and the drift.

Do you know what the counsellor told me?

You will be shocked!

"Go out and have fun. There are so many wonderful men out there who would love to go out with you, you just have to give one signal and you will get any man you want.

"Why do you want to break this convenient marriage and go through the trouble of being a single woman?

"What if you fall in love again and then too this happens? You have everything you need.

"You don't have any financial problems. It's just that you need to have good sex, and for that, you will get really amazing men.

"Just make sure you don't fall in love. And don't feel guilty either, it's your right to be happy, so don"t worry."

I am shocked. I don't know how to react.

I have of course stopped visiting this person. But I am sure he said the same to my husband too.

He didn't disclose it, and when I asked my husband, he chose to ignore me.

What if he is already following the counsellor's advice? I was already unhappy, and now I am so stressed and depressed. 

*The writer's name has been withheld to protect identity 

 

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh/Rediff.com

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