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10 Stars who need a Roast!

By Raja Sen
Last updated on: February 02, 2015 15:18 IST
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A hit-list, if you will.

What's next for All India Bakchod?

We applauded the Roast, celebrated the celebration of Bollywood profanity, but what have you done for us lately? (Which is to say, boys, whatever are you doing next?)

But it's not all demands, oh no.

Here, in fact, a list I helpfully assembled of 10 Roast-worthy candidates, complete with theme and panel suggestions.

Go ahead, go tandoori on these stars.

 

Sajid Khan

Photograph: Abhijit Mhamunkar

Now widely considered the most cringeworthy director in Hindi cinema, a Sajid Roast should ideally consider of an eclectic circle of movie critics -- everyone from yours truly to Kamaal R Khan -- standing around and reading lines straight from his screenplays till he weeps.

At the end, he can respond with boxing gloves, Uwe Boll style.

 

Ram Gopal Varma

Photograph Pradeep Bandekar

He can dole it out and I bet Ramu can take it too. Because while he makes fun of all of Bollywood's big names -- even on-the-record, a true industry rarity -- he laughs pretty loudly at himself as well.

He can even pick his own Roasters.

 

Anurag Kashyap

Photograph: Rediff Archives

It wouldn't be fun to roast Kashyap with his new starry friends making digs at him while he grins amiably; a true Kashyap Roast would involve old collaborators and fellow strugglers from his hangdog days, a true Kallu Mama's Adda of a panel.

Aah, what spectacular profanity will emerge.

Aamir Khan

Photograph: Abhijit Mhamunkar

Everyone has an opinion about Aamir Khan, but the Roast should ideally involve all the comedians making way for a slew of directors who have been presented with the chance to complain about how he never lets them direct.

Mahesh Bhatt for Roastmaster, please.

The Sonam-Deepika deathmatch

Photographs: Pradeep Bandekar and Abhijit Mhamunkar

This one's a no-brainer.

Take the frequently-televised rivalry between Sonam Kapoor and Deepika Padukone and let them assemble five-person teams consisting of their own loyalists.

The winner gets the next Karan Johar film, loser wins the next Bigg Boss. (So everybody wins/loses, really.)

Priyanka, Anushka, Sridevi, Preity and Shah Rukh Khan -- The Got-Any-Work-Done Roast)

Photographs: Abhijit Mhamunkar. Shah Rukh Khan's picture by Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images

There's been a fair bit of cosmetic surgery in Bollywood, and the AIB boys (wearing kevlar vests) can now confront a bunch of unsuspecting actresses (and one megastar actor) with a dramatic collection of before-and-after photographs.

Arjun Kapoor, sitting in the front row, looks on very smugly.

Salman Khandaan

Photograph: Courtesy Being Human

It's all in the family for this one as Sallu and his entire clan -- from Sohail to Malaika to outspoken big daddy Salim -- give us a glimpse into their living room on a ribald Tuesday night.

Salman's bodyguard BFF Shera must participate, though.

 

Kareena Kapoor

Photograph: Abhijit Mhamunkar

Everyone wants to be her or be seen with her -- or so believes Kareena Kapoor, the starriest star of all, the absolute prima-est of donnas.

Let her preen from a throne while other heroines take sly jibes at her, jibes she eventually ignores or, at most, arches a perfect eyebrow at. She's Kareena Kapoor, damn it, and she doesn't care what you're saying unless your name rhymes with Snafu.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali

Photograph: Abhijit Mhamunkar

A reclusive filmmaker.

A sober, thoughtful sort.

A pan-chewing Mallika Sherawat fan.

A violent man who throws Chris Bale sized fits on his sets.

A Ranbir-enthusiast.

Someone who made a film which ends with Suhel Seth climbing into bed with Hrithik Roshan.

There are truly many, many facets to Mr Bhansali, and I daresay each will prove fascinating. Or, at the very least, educational.

Arnab Goswami

Photograph: Abhijit Mhamunkar

Locked in an airtight, soundproof pyrex box and given a microphone that isn't plugged in, Arnab's Roast consists of him being made to watch every episode of The Newsroom back to back, Aaron Sorkin's dialogues hurled at him till he's dying to interrupt -- but he can't.

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Raja Sen / Rediff.com in Mumbai
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