'I'm caught between my first and second wives'

Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on June 9 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.

Love Guru says, Hey everyone, welcome back to the Love Guru chat on Get Ahead! LEt's get started and please remember, anyone creating a nuisance in the chatroom or using abusive language will be barred!

DevD asked, Dear Sir, What can you say about a girl who loves truely, and on one day stop talking to you, stopped receiving calls, and since last 6 months has never spoken....She has moved on..and is engaged to someone else

Love Guru answers, I say thank your lucky stars you were saved from such a woman!

salman asked, Salman : Hi Lg. Im 38yrs. male. I & my 1st wife separated from last 10 yrs. due to some family matter like sas-bahu jhagda. That time I couldn't tell anything to my mom & every time I bet my wife. There was some my mistake & some my wife's. I loved her lot & she too. I have a son frm her. Before 5 yrs. I remarried & have a daughter frm 2nd wife. My 1st wife filed maintenance case in court. She still loves me a lot & gives me miscall & messages me. Brought our son to the court to meet me. I met him in court only. Sometimes I get attracted towards her & replied to her sms. I thought I had made some mistakes. But I m confused wat to do?

Love Guru answers, You lost your first wife because you couldn't stand up to your mother. And now you'll lose the second one if you reconsider your earlier relationship. You've made a lot of mistakes, but that doesn't mean you keep making more. You're married again and have another child -- surely you love your second wife or was that a mistake too? It's good that you're on civil terms with your first wife, but now leave things as they are -- you separated ten years ago and your lives have changed a lot since then. Make sure you meet your son regularly, not just in court and be a real father to him even if you don't live with him.

saint asked, hi LG, I love one of my colleague a lot but she does not love be but considers me to be her best friend. But I am not able to emotionally detach myself from her. I am not able to overcome.

Love Guru answers, First tell her how you feel and see what she has to say, then worry about moving on -- for all you know, you may not have to! She may reciprocate your feelings.

Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

jksingh asked, I met a gal for marriage and liked each other.But my relative and friends say she is very thin and may not provide pleasure after marriage and this will lead to failure in marriage. should i go ahead with marriage ?

Love Guru answers, What rubbish! She's thin, so what! You both like each other and there's no reason not to go ahead with the wedding and there is absolutely no logic or fact rooted in this 'providing pleasure' business! Don't listen to half-baked advice from people who don't know what they're talking about!

Anandkumar asked, Hello Sir, I was in love with a girl in my office for 3 years, in the initial days I used to hear that she had affair with the other guy but I dint believed rumors, I trusted her soo much. After 2 years of love I had to shift to Bangalore because of my job, even after that we loved each other as before. After some time I started feeling she is loosing interest in me, when I started digging I found she has extra interest on a newly joined guy in the office and when I monitored their movement I found they are even getting physical, when enquired more I also found she had physical relation with a guy before I came to her life. Then I told her I am moving away but she says she cant live without me and she will stay unmarried for whole life, kindly help to take decision, I don't want her in my life. Thank you.

Love Guru answers, That she dated a guy before you doesn't really matter, unless she lied about it. But if you have undeniable proof that she cheated on you while you were in Bangalore and want to break it off, go ahead and do so. If she wants to stay unmarried her whole life that's really her problem, not yours! If she loved you so dearly she wouldn't have cheated on you with another man!

sachin asked, hi LG , married for last 12 yrs hvg son. everything was normal . sudendely working wife left both of us & wants DIVORCE . tired everything ,not suceed . kindly adv. Regards

Love Guru answers, Maybe things were normal according to you, but she was unhappy in the marriage? Sometimes you take your partner for granted and don't realise it till s/he ups and leaves. I think you need to meet your wife in person, sit her down and have an honest talk. Ask her if she's met someone else, because that could be the reason behind this situation also. Explain to her that whatever the reason, you just deserve to know because you've been married over a decade and the least she can do if she's ending it is treat you with honesty and respect. Tell her not to try and cover up anything and just come out with what the problem is, so that if it can be worked at you can give it a shot and if not, at least you'll get some closure as to what happened at least. And she's a mother -- it's in your child's interest that the parents get along, even if the marriage is ending. It's really surprising that she would leave her son behind and walk out, which makes me wonder even more whether she's in an extramarital relationship, although I could be wrong.

Abhishek asked, i had a live in relation with one girl for past 4 year...i went to New Zealand for 1.5 year and when i came back she refused to marrdige... now my family force me to do arrange marridge.girl is quite nice.... but what i am not in luv with this new girl.Shall i marry with her ?

Love Guru answers, She may be quite nice, but you're on the rebound and you don't seem like you're ready to marry. And since you've been in a situation where you were with someone you loved, it may be even more difficult for you to cope with this arrangement. I would say don't be forced into anything you don't want to do. 'She's nice' is not a reason to make a lifelong commitment. Maybe if you're interested in her, get to know her a little better, see if there is potential for feelings to develop and then take a call.

okapi asked, Hi, My parents are looking for a bride as of now..not so long ago, i had a liking for two girls which didn't go my way simply bcoz they belong to some other caste.....i couldn't forget those two cute faces till now...even my mind says that only u can marry a girl that your parents look for on the following basis 1 she should be romantic as like the above mentioned girls 2.she should be beautiful that it can even make me forget about those two girls Can i expect this one from that girl via bridal search who i am supposed to get married to ?

Love Guru answers, You've already made up your mind that you won't get married without your parents' blessings, so thinking about those two girls is a waste of time. And it's not impossible to find someone beautiful and romantic at heart via an arranged marriage -- you have to tell your parents what you're looking for in a woman and wait till they get you to meet one who interests you.

vikash asked, hey love guru whenever I fall in love with a girl she always is commited to other. what shud I do?
Love Guru answers, Find out beforehand whether she's in a relationship or not!

cool_mayur asked, hi LG, i planning to get married to one girl...physically i dont feel attracted to her...but nature wise she is okay...pls advice

Love Guru answers, Physical attraction is not all that matters in a marriage. Personality counts to a large extent, but the way you described her -- 'okay' -- makes me wonder whether you're just settling for her or really do like her? If you don't, don't get married just to please your parents.

Hemant asked, Hi Love Guru, I am in love wd gal. She is my good friend. From last few months i am not contacting her and not reply her because she refuse to get married with me. I want to end my relationship with her becoz later it would be hurt me. But she continuously contacting me and asking for the patch up. She refused to get married with me because she is taller me and i am not his dream boy. We never had any physical relation and her mother knows i am her good friend.. I am not able to understand she loves me or not or she just using for emotional support. Please suggest me how can i handle the situation.

Love Guru answers, Look, if you feel like you'll get hurt badly by staying such close friends with her, it's the right decision to keep your distance. And this height issue is quite stupid...she obviously does have feelings of some sort for you or she wouldn't be so insistent on having you back in her life. Tell her that superficial issues like height don't really count in a relationship, true love does. How would she feel if she heard you were marrying someone else tomorrow? My guess is she wouldn't be too happy about it! Tell her either to accept her feelings and give the relationship a real try (don't force the marriage issue) or then learn to keep her distance from you, because the day one of you marries it will mean the end of your intimacy also. No spouse is going to accept it gracefully.

salessony asked, I love a gal b4 marriage, I know her from childhood, she's a relative , but due to oppose 4m family I married a gal with their choice, my lover use to cal me even after marriage, now my wife is giving problem to me n asked me to completely cut d relations with her. I really want to live with wife n have relation with lover. what should I do?

Love Guru answers, You can't have both -- you wouldn't want to share your wife with one of her ex-lovers, would you? Either cut off all ties with your lover or then leave your wife and stand your ground with your lover even if your family opposes it. Which, incidentally, is something you should have maybe done before ruining another girl's life by marrying her under pressure!

rakesh asked, I was love with a a gal . she also loves me. but there was misunderstanding between us , due to which i got married to another gal. Now i talk with b=my girl friend , and we want to marry after my divorce. but my wife wants to seetle with me only. i cant love my wife but my moral duty says that i have to live with her ,........ so what should i do

Love Guru answers, Another man who's ruined a girl's life by marrying her when in love with someone else! What's with you people? How can you just up and marry someone without thinking it through? The same answer as the one above applies to you -- it's either your girlfriend or her! Make up your mind and follow it through! And if you're leaving your wife, you need to get down on your knees and beg her forgiveness for doing this to her!

Anandkumar asked, But sir, she say it happened unknowingly and it was some kind of attraction, and also she say she will not repeat and she will take care of me and show love unconditionally! she begs me each time she get chance to interact with me.

Love Guru answers, What do you want to do? Do you want to forgive her and give her another chance? because in your earlier post you stated quite clearly that you don't want her in your life. My only advice to you is, don't be pressured into anything and do only what you want to do, not what she wants from you. If you feel like you love her and want to be with her, forgive her and try to rebuild the trust. But if you don't, that's that -- don't let yourself be talked into what you don't want.

Sameer asked, I am 38 years old having married for last 7 years.Off late,I have been encouraged to have sex with my female collegues in office.My wife has sex with me once a week.I am very attrcated to my female collegues and they seudce me to have sex.Ifear of STD diseases but I have a crave for sex.Advise me

Love Guru answers, It's not just STDs you have to fear -- it's also an unwanted pregnancy, guilt, ruining your family life and your career. If you crave sex, my advice is make love to your wife more often than just once a week. And don't be a weakling -- you can't be seduced if you don't want to be!

Jitesh asked, Hi , I had an affair with an girl in college. She dumped me after 2 year of relationship. I completely lost myself at that time. One of my other friend started liking me. She was helping me to come out of this. Gradually I was out of that shock. Few months later this friend proposed me. After thinking about it I said yes to her. Now we are really into good healthy relationship. My new gf and x-gf were good friends. But after I broke up with my x-gf both dont like each other much. They are shifted to new city where they have their jobs. As they were from the same college they used to stay together in the same flat with my 2 other college friends. Now my current gf doesnt like to stay with my x-gf. But she doesnt have any option. This also disturbs our relation. My x-gf still wear the bracelet I gifted her. Lookin at all this my new gf is pissed off. She asked me to tell my x-gf to return me those gift. Now i really dont understand how to do all these.. I dont even talk to my x-gf.

Love Guru answers, No, that's petty and stupid. Your new girlfriend is insecure because it was you who was dumped by your ex and she probably assumes you still have some sort of feelings for her. Tell her you don't want to give your ex any attention by asking for anything back or talking to her at all. And I don't get why she has no choice but to live in the same house! Maybe she can ask one of the college friends to move out with her and they can co-rent another, smaller house. It's ridiculous for her to keep living there and then complaining about all this.

mayank asked, I got engaged two months back. It was an arranged one. One week after the engagement I met another girl with whom I fell in love. What should I do? Shall I break my engagement?

Love Guru answers, I guess so, if you're 100 percent sure it's real love and not just an infatuation. Read a few of the questions below and see the mess people make of their lives by loving one person and marrying another! It's most unfair to the person you marry -- she deserves someone who considers her his number one priority. Not a man who's thinking of someone else constantly!

RAJIV asked, I love a girl.I know that she also love.But she have a boy friend and her parents think to make him their's son in law.so she can't accept my proposal.but she want to marry me not him.i can't forget her.what i do now?

Love Guru answers, People have lots of boyfriends and girlfriends before they finally marry someone. It's not like she's already married to him! Again, read the questions below and tell her to avoid making the same mistake! Better to end a relationship than marry, then realise it was a mistake!

Love Guru says, That's all for today, folks! Till next week, goodbye and take care!