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Rediff.com  » Getahead » 'My wife, best friend have been flirting online'

'My wife, best friend have been flirting online'

Last updated on: February 4, 2011 16:22 IST

Image: 'My wife, best friend have been flirting online'

Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on February 3 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.


Love Guru says, Hi there, everyone! Let's get started with the Love Guru chat -- please feel free to share your troubles with me.


vikas asked, hi lg what is the difference between love and crush. how should someone understand is it love or is it crush?

Love Guru answers, Vikas, where crushes are concerned, you usually find the object of your affection attractive -- but that is different from true love. Love is when you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with a person. It's what remains even after the initial thrill and spark of a relationship fades.


omi asked, how to understand wheather girl want to be a friend only or she want to move further

Love Guru answers, Instead of guess work, why not ask her? Tell her you have feelings for her and see where it goes!


pratish asked, hiii lg i m student and living a very simple life. i want to know what kind of qualities girls are looking for. they like simple boys or not

Love Guru answers, You can't generalise like that, Pratish! Just like you're an individual with your own tastes, so is every woman. So it would be safe to say that a girl whose thoughts match yours may be attracted to you. And then there may be other women who aren't.


Neeraj j asked, How to remove stress from our mind if someone cheated us? Made promise for marriage but not fulfilled it because other better opportunity come than true lover.

Love Guru answers, I can understand that it must have hurt you, but consider yourself lucky that you were saved from spending the rest of your life with such a calculative person! She cared for her prospects more than she cared for you so why waste time being miserable for someone who is so not worth it?


hmmm asked, how can i access your advise archives?

Love Guru answers, We put up transcripts of all the weekly chats -- here's the last one: https://www.rediff.com/getahead/slide-show/slide-show-1-specials-love-guru-chat-transcript/20110128.htm


Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh

'She refuses to admit to the crush she had before me'

Image: 'She refuses to admit to the crush she had before me'

LIPI asked, I LOVED SOMEONE,WHO IS MARRIED. I AM STILL UNMARRIED. DOES NOT WANT ANYBODY IN LIFE EXCEPT LOVEDONE...PL ADVISE

Love Guru answers, That someone chose someone else. And it's time for you to do the same. If you make an effort to date new people, sooner or later you're bound to meet someone you're attracted to. What's the point of crying over one-sided feelings? It's time for a brand new beginning!


SKS asked, Hi . I love a girl and she too since 2 year..But got to know she had weekness for some body previous to me. She is not agrreing with the matter.. but i am sure about this. . What should i do ???

Love Guru answers, First of all, I don't see how it makes any difference to you what happened in her past before she met you. It has nothing to do with you and if you're so unrealistic as to want to have a girl who's never even been attracted to anyone else, it's likely you'll remain single all your life! Maybe if you told her that it makes no difference to you -- and if she could genuinely see that -- she would tell you about it. And stop forcing your opinion of her past attractions on her -- if she still says no, maybe she's telling the truth and you should believe her!


fernando asked, hi love guru, an odd question ! its not abut luv..i just had some chat with one of my colleague..but she was just like my sister(atleast for me)..so by virtue i messaged something but dint had any bad intention..but the gal got upset and now in rage despite i told sorry to her..i felt deeply hurt, cuz there was only pure feelings in me for her ! and i never thought she will take it in serious for what i messaged..but my friendship is lost..i am very much elder than her..but i lost respect from her..thats what hurts me most. i think she wud have told this to her BF and the thing went complicated. but i am damn sure i never flirted wid her..what to do, i dono :(

Love Guru answers, Sometimes the tone of a message can sound very different from what you're actually trying to convey. You need to call her, apologise again and explain that it was not intentioned the way she thought. Honesty is the best policy -- explain that you know it has caused you to fall in her eyes and that's the last thing you want because you genuinely care for her as strictly a friend and nothing more. And I don't know what exactly it was, but next time think twice and don't cross a line!


AR asked, HI i am AR. 25yrs old & just out of a relationship of 7 yrs .. Though we ended it on a mutual way.. M still not able to digest the fact that she is married now. Pls suggest what I can do to get over and move on?

Love Guru answers, If it was a mutual decision, what's probably biting you is that she moved on before you did. And seven years is a long time -- you just need to let a little time go by, like a few months maybe, and you'll feel much better about the whole thing. In the meantime, don't fall into a rebound relationship or become a serial dater. Take this time to vacation, hang out with friends, enjoy life and clear your head. Only when you genuinely feel like wading back into the dating pool should you do so.


red asked, how to remain faithful after marriage when the person besides the partner seems more intresting and joy ful? expecting a non- conventional annswer

Love Guru answers, What non-conventional answer are you expecting exactly, my friend? That I advise you to sleep with the person you're attracted to because you find your spouse less interesting? It seems like yours is a marriage of convenience then.


lauguru asked, i LOVE A MARRIED WOMAN

Love Guru answers, And does she love you back?


'I'm a wife and mother but have an office affair going'

Image: 'I'm a wife and mother but have an office affair going'

ash asked, hi sir im in relation frm last 5 yrs and we are on stage of marrige family all ready but suddenly my gf in love with other and now she cry and feel gulity

Love Guru answers, Whether this other guy is just a passing attraction or not, the fact of the matter remains that, whatever the reason, she's having second thoughts about marriage. You need to sit her down and get her to analyse her feelings -- why this sudden panic about marrying you? Address her fears and tell her to be absolutely honest with herself and you -- if this fellow is just a passing crush or a way of worming out of marrying you, she needs to face up to it. If, on the other hand, she really is deeply in love with him, it's bound to be tough on you. But look at it this way -- better that it happened now rather than after getting married.


Riya asked, I m 27, married and having kid of 2 , recently i met a guy of 24 in my office, and we are in love and offer mrself all to him and both cant stay without each other, i m planning for divorce for earlier, hope i m on right track, pl guide

Love Guru answers, You say you met him recently. And in such a short time you decided that you're so in love, you'll leave your husband right away? Are you 100 percent sure that it's not just attraction and lust, which is bound to wear off after awhile? And you'll find that ending your marriage was a big mistake? Plus you have a child to think of. Look, you're the best judge of what you're feeling Riya -- and I'm not saying that you don't genuinely love him or he doesn't love you. That is for you to figure out -- but these are questions you have to ask yourself before getting so carried away so far so soon.


sadguy asked, Hi luvguru here I facing problem when I had seen details of chat transcripts between my wife and my best freind. They were flirting with each other. It is hard to beleive that they can do with me. I am married from last 5 years. Please tell me what to do

Love Guru answers, I can understand why you're upset, but from the transcript you must obviously have figured out whether it's just a one-off chat -- harmless flirting that won't go any further -- or something more. You can confront your wife if you like -- and if it was just a one-off thing, I'm sure she'll be embarrassed about it and ask for forgiveness. And I'd say give your wife a little more attention. Sometimes a little flattery makes a woman feel good about herself. After five years of marriage, things can become a little complacent.


jerry asked, hi, i am in deep love with a girl. she s tlk with me always through mobile as well in direct chat. we used to go every were togetehr in office aswell as outside. i proposed her and she says she s already commited and then also she chat with me as usual. frequently she ask me to leave that thought and try to be noraml. myself always says i cant be like that. i am very confuicent in my luv.. pls do the help wht am i suppose to do!!! she also fights with me regularly.. do help me..

Love Guru answers, She has made it clear that she wants you as nothing more than a friend -- even if she's enjoying the attention she gets from you. So your only option is accept it and behave normally like she's advised you to, or then put an end to the friendship. This way you're hopelessly wound up about a girl who you're only wasting your time with.


rahi asked, am 26 yr old guy working in ,through matrimony site,met a gal i find all qualities in her,but only problem her age she is 31,only she thinks that and but i convey my feelings to her,really want her back how to convince her.age doesnt matter

Love Guru answers, An age gap of five years certainly doesn't matter, whether it's the man who's older or the woman! I know of several happily married couples that have the same difference between them. Age is just a number -- compatibility and love are the bottom line in a marriage! Explain that to her.


vijit asked, hi i am 24 and i loved a girl since class 11 in my school .She always use to ignore me and only like 6-7 times we talked on phone and when i told my feelings she replied that this cant happen.Now i came to know that she is getting arranged marriage.I m feeling quite depressed.

Love Guru answers, You carried too many expectations about a schooltime crush, that's all. Why does her marriage make you so depressed, you hardly know her -- you spoke to her just a handful of times! Come on, buddy, snap out of it -- I'm sure there are a lot of prettier, more desirable girls out there who won't be so quick to brush you off.


'She's just too clingy! What do I do?'

Image: 'She's just too clingy! What do I do...'

shal asked, i had a girl friend,we loved each other dearly and wanted to get married.But fate had different plans.she got married to someone and i was heart broken. for 12 years i did'nt see her or her wear abouts.Recently in a mall she(with her husband) saw me from far and stood some time there on some pretext and started seeing me for 5 to 10 min.I was bit scared as i was with my wife .Till then some how i was getting with life and started a new life.Now the way she saw me,think she still remembers me.Does she still have feeling about the old relationship.

Love Guru answers, It was probably just curiosity. Don't read too much into it -- it's been 12 years and you're happily married at least, even if she isn't.


pritam asked, One of my friends wife is now a days trying to attract me by keeping in physical touch with me. She is having a baby. his hubby is my good friend and 'm worried little about my relation with him. please suggest

Love Guru answers, Keep your distance. Don't give her a chance to meet you alone or get close enough to touch you in any manner. She'll get the message -- just make sure she gets it loud and clear. You're not interested.


Karma asked, I love a girl...am pretty sure its love...the girl says she doesn't believe in love...says her family is very conservative. Yet everybody(her friends, her sis) feel that she too loves me. The thing is she wont ever say that. Will her mindset ever change?

Love Guru answers, If she believes in loveless marriages, I pity her. Since her sister also thinks she loves you, maybe you can ask her help in convincing her to date you. Tell her that when the time comes for marriage, you'll have your parents approach hers formally. Till then what has she got against giving you a chance? She's probably just afraid of her parents -- or of getting hurt.


gonzy asked, Hi LG, I am going steady with a girl since 3 years. My only problem is that she wants me to be with her all the time. Everytime I need to spend time with my family because they are sick, she invariably falls sick at the same time. Its too coincidental to be happening at the same time over and over again. There are times when she wants me to come during work hours, which at times I did. I explained to her that there are emergencies I need to attend and things that will need my attention other than her too in my life, and also sometimes I need my "my time". She agrees to that when I speak but I find the same thing happening again. I'm beginning to feel emotionally distant even though I am with her now. Should I call it quits, though I know I still love her. Please advise

Love Guru answers, Sit her down and explain to her that her clingy behaviour is making you want to put more distance between the two of you. Tell her categorically that while you love her, if she continues to try and fence you in all the time, it will only make you want to end the relationship, which you're having second thoughts about already. Assure her that you love her and you're hers, as long as she doesn't want to smother you constantly. Either she'll get this message loud and clear or then you'll just have to break it off eventually.


Heartyboy asked, The eternal problem of mom and wife fighting is happening in my house. I have tried to be logical in trying to resolve conflicts. I know my mom and wife are equally responsible for all tiffs. I tend to advice my wife on how she can overcome such issues but she off-late is simply threatening me that she will leave the house and shouts at all in the house. I'am in a loggerhead. We live in a duplex house, parents downstairs and me upstairs...comparatively the privacy for both parties is relatively high. A stuck husband!!!

Love Guru answers, If it's a duplex, just separate it into two different flats altogether. No entering each other's homes except through the front door! Even though you're trying to be fair, it's natural that your wife looks at this house as your mother's -- that's why she keeps threatening to leave. Separate flats means less interaction between saas and bahu -- and so less fighting!


Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, people -- see you next Thursday! Till then, post your queries on the .