Commentary/Varsha Bhosle

The night of the long knives

The hangover persists. While the sane commentators will have moved on to more momentous happenings, Bhosle is stuck on the April 11 debate fiasco. "Fiasco" because there was no debate as such: The UF abused the Congress and BJP; the Congress maligned the UF and BJP; the Independents jabbed at the Congress, UF and BJP; and the BJP smirked and rubbed its collective hands in glee. Too bad you guys didn't get to watch – it turned out to be an unforgettable 12-hour gore-fest.

Confession time: In the perpetual quest for an alternative to the old guard, every once in a while, your friendly optimist is visited by divine revelations. Sometimes they stand true, and sometimes she lies flat on my face, groping around for her bloodied teeth. Like the time I took one look at Rajiv Gandhi at his mother's funeral pyre and decided he was the one (no need to tell you how that went). Like the day I saw a picture of Rajesh Pilot with his Air Force wings and began feeling très benevolent towards him (hadn't realised that a vazir needs qualities different from a pawn's). Like when I was had by Sharad "The Maratha Strongman" Pawar's propaganda machine ("The Maratha Milquetoast" is more like it).

Well, this time around, and thanks to the aforesaid debate, it is the turn of the BJP's Pramod Mahajan. And you know what? I'm rather willing to stake my dubious reputation on this piece of art. I had heard that he is so ruthless a strategist that the holy Sangh Parivar, especially its leadership, doesn't quite approve of him. At the same time, for him to have been appointed the Union defence minister during the BJP's 13-day stint, they must have no doubt about his loyalty to the party and his right-wing inflexibility. And Thackeray-bashers, you won't be surprised to learn that it is Mr Mahajan who's responsible for the BJP-Sena alliance – and its continuation. Yummy… garam masala, tikhat ani mirchi. Saatvik bhojan never did suit me.

But to return to my oracle: All said, I still had had no idea he could be this effective. I suppose the peculiarity of the post-debate reports can be put down to the loftier (leftier?) ideals and perceptions of our secularist press lords… but I still don't get it: Why was Mr Mahajan's pointed speech pointedly ignored by India's national dailies – when it was the one which brought the House down, and when it was all that the normal viewer could rave about? (The operative word here is "normal".)

Agreed, the old Communists, Somnath Chatterjee and Indrajit Gupta, were good. But then the Communists always are good when it comes to non-China-threatening principles. It's when practical sense is required that they come a cropper. Forgetting that it was the Congress (and not the Hindutvawadis) which had rocked the UF boat – and also since he had been given no solid reasons to parry on the floor – Mr Chatterjee launched on a scratching of his favourite post. And along with the usual communal-divisive-fundamentalist-forces bullshit, he fused the unfusable: "Sitaram Vajpayee", thereby equating a bungling bandar with the nation's finest Parliamentarian. A cheaper shot was not made that day. And that, Mr Mahajan utilised fully.

What fascinated me most about Mr Mahajan's speech was that the entire thing was a reply to what had been said earlier on in the day. His opening joust was on the ambiguity of the situation: he stressed that, till then, not one speaker had clarified his opposition/support of the motion (it's true, none had). He slew Inder Kumar Gujral's inscrutable motives with just one query: "Is this a debate on the progress of the external affairs ministry?" He highlighted Sharadrao's now-glaring oddity: "The UF-Congress talks didn't make a headway since they couldn't cross the line of control at Farooq Abdullah's home. And at Sharad Pawar's house, they couldn't not sit on the fence." FOTCL (falling off the chair, laughing)! Believe me, the camera showed M/s Pilot and Pawar helplessly doing precisely that.

However, the most telling comment on the present state of governmental affairs came from Mr Mahajan's anecdotal barb at the Maharashtra Gomantak Party's lone electee, Ramakant Khalap: "When asked to explain the Indian concept of democracy, I told our Chinese hosts, I'm from the single largest party – and I form the Opposition. You see Mr Pawar there? He's from the second-largest party – and he's outside the government. That CPI man there, he's from the third-largest party – and he's inside the government but from the outside. But this gentleman, he's the only person from his party – and he IS the government." Well, even Mr Khalap collapsed.

But most significantly, Mr Mahajan drove home the fact that the BJP was under no moral obligation to pass a Budget it did not agree with: "Did you show largesse for the BJP when its government in Gujarat was dismissed under Article 356? Did you show kindness after Atalji had defended himself on the confidence motion moved by the BJP to save its national government? How can you even ask support from the BJP when you had arrogantly announced that you would last the full term? To save the Budget is the responsibility of the UF and its supporters – it is not the BJP's onus." (Since I had publicly opined that the BJP must support Prime Minister Deve Gowda, or at least abstain, this argument was particularly humbling.)

No, it could not have been a planned delivery or a written text. But just in case it was, either this chap is a genius, or the governmental sheep are so predictable that they better be led to the slaughter quick-time. The ability that Mr Mahajan seems to be gifted with – to think standing on one's feet – I revere. And as for the measured pauses, the drama, the deadpans, the sneers, the sidelong glances… I have decided. When I grow up, I will marry this man.

The prime minister, on the other hand, was in first-class Mark Antony mode. To be perfectly honest, I didn't think he had it in him. One thought he would fall asleep while appearing to be meditating, and certainly not come out with lines to the effect of "and yet they say I am incompetent, and the reckoning will be bitter, I promise you…" For no matter what Mr Deve Gowda actually said, all I could hear was: Did this in Caesar seem ambitious? / Ambition should be made of sterner stuff, / Yet Brutus says he was ambitious; / And Brutus is an honourable man… At least in my drawing room, there wasn't a dry eye.

Naturally, there have been reams of columns and editorials castigating Mr Deve Gowda for being peevish and lowering the dignity of the prime-ministerial chair. I beg to differ. There is no rule, no ethic, no moral which says that one must go down without a fight (honestly, our intelligentsia rather insists that everybody should drop 'em and bend over for a caning). Fact is, the confidence-motion was a battle, and the session turned out to be the night of the long knives.

Certainly, my own favourite stab was when Mr Deve Gowda pulled out Sitaram Kesri's letter to the President, and oh-so-innocently faltered: "What is this word, nikam... nikamma?" Splendid stuff! He did what should have been done long ago – thrust the knife deep into the gut and twist it excruciatingly slowly. What a tremendous performance. This is probably what they mean by silent waters etc.

Between Mr Mahajan and Mr Deve Gowda, the notable speeches were given by CPI-M's Indrajit Gupta, the BJP's Uma Bharati and, of course, always, Atal Bihari Vajpayee ("par tees taareekh mein aisi kya vishesh baat thi?"). All others – especially the genteel-ly whimpering Mr Chidambaram – sank without a trace. Yes, Mr Pilot also spoke in this interim. But the only reason for my remembering him is his Mahajan-trained dart: "The BJP has such fine orators; they have got here only by speaking".

: -) I'm sorry, but I can't wipe the silly grin off my face. The truth is, amidst such rank absurdity and moronic positions, how can sound reasoning not sparkle as grand eloquence?

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