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Ashwin Mahesh

Let the games begin!

This team, which plays its home matches in the national gallery, is considerably more challenging to pick; every contender is equally competent, if you get my drift. To get around this difficulty, I have chosen to focus my efforts -- although this sport can accommodate several players, I am only going to pick the playing eleven. This means that I will leave out a few ministries; I will console myself with the knowledge that I have probably not heard of them, and if I had, I could not guess what they might do at taxpayers's expense.

Nevertheless, do bring all shortcomings to my attention, carefully excluding the ones I include here. Let the games begin.

Unlike the cricket team, I will pick the captain first. I realise that it is usually wise to pick the team and then the captain. But that process leaves no room for a shrewd captain like a Brearley or a Howarth, who may be functionally worthless to the team, but brings other skills which are invaluable. Moreover, in this sport, the captain is everything, and there is no point in picking a team member unless he or she has the backing of the PM.

My choice for the Prime Minister is Bigun Hidara. No doubt you have not heard of her, and that is understandable. She is an Amazonian woman, she is a member of a tribe that lives happily cut off from civilisation. I've never met her myself, only heard of her in some abstract mathematical formulations used to predict the health of the jungle she lives in. Certainly, she's never heard of India, which is her sole qualification for the job. We may safely assume that she will not interfere in the functioning of any autonomous bodies. To India, she is a nobody and does nothing -- an ideal choice. I only regret the close similarity to any previous occupants.

I am inclined to assign several cabinet berths to Ms Hidara, but fear not, I do believe in "one man, one post", even for women. Also, I will try to include every possible specialised player, who might have irreplaceable skills. The most noteworthy of those is Kanshi Ram, who is what we might call an automatic choice. His skills are truly irreplaceable, for the very simple reason that no one knows what they are. And all attempts to determine them have so far failed. He will hold the post of Communications Minister, or CM for short. The alternative Chameleon Man is equally appropriate.

The only light in the darkness of the recent weeks has been the fact that everyone recognises the importance of the economy, and that requires some consideration. Having considered all the options -- both of them -- I decided to bring back Dr Manmohan Singh. Why, you may ask? For one, I have a soft spot for Assam, from where Dr Singh claims to hail. No Caesar's wife in Guwahati, I take it. Naturally, I am not about to let Dr Singh hold independent charge of this ministry, and have chosen Chakravarti Rangarajan as the minister of state. That means he will have to move out of Andhra Pradesh, but that is a minor matter. Perhaps Phoolan Devi can be persuaded to preside over the Naxalites for a while.

My uncompromising choice for Legal Affairs is P V Narasimha Rao. Look, the gent knows every thing there is to know about the law, and has demonstrated his understanding of the loopholes beyond compare. Who better to catch a thief than ... you know? We can rope in Kalpnath Rai as a stand-by, or Sukh Ram, provided that worthy can be found among his bedsheets.

The foreign affairs ministry wields considerable power, and we must not overlook the importance of this weighty appointment. For this, I have chosen Jagadambal. Sorry to spring more surprises on you, but allow me to explain. She is a Matunga Mami, very homely. She has lived through considerable challenges to her status as a resident of Maharashtra, and she is still around. Besides, she makes good idlis, and perhaps we can dismiss a cook or two in the various embassies and save some money. However, the real story here is that she is said to be close to one of the selectors.

Not to leave out the modernists, I have decided to appoint Chandrababu Naidu as the technology minister. No doubt he will bring his laptop, and maybe even upgrade to MMX. The real difficulty is in persuading him to move out of Andhra Pradesh, and hence my earlier suggestion about Phoolan Devi.

I'm not being harsh on the right-wing parties, they have their cake too. A big one, in fact. Sikander Bakht is an ideal choice for home minister, and as a member of the nation's largest Hindu party, he would be ideal, especially in these days of rising Hindu consciousness. If it hurts too much, we can always impeach him later. And if he holds up well, he can get together with Clarence Thomas and write a memoir. Where is Mata Hari when you need ... oh, well.

Transportation is vital to the health of our nation, and a true expert is needed to fill this chair. Who better than L K Advani? He has traveled widely, as we all know. True, his expertise is limited to slow, surface transportation, and he is always heading to the same place. Nevertheless, it is one thing he does well, his chappati shot, if you like, a la Shastri. Ravi, that is, not LBS.

Defence is paramount, and I have not forgotten this. I considered several options -- V P Singh, Arjun Singh, Sardar Patel, Sunderlal Bahuguna, and Uma Bharati, among others. Patel has an obvious drawback, the Singhs might have outlasted their usefulness. Uma Bharati is too keen on war to be appointed to this sensitive post, and Bahuguna would be chopped down in no time. There is not much left to choose from. If Veerappan can be found and persuaded, I'd go for it. He can defend. True, he has never been tested by powerful opposition, but if we use that yardstick, we can never find a suitable person.

Tourism is dear to my heart, and India has a lot to sell. Vajpayeeji might be ideal, he would be a great spokesman, but it is not fair to expect him to get along with this Cabinet. He would be the wrong man in the right party. Where have I heard that before? Perhaps Gujral can write couplets about Goan beaches and Hyder Ali forts. There is a small danger that he would erect a gateway to Pakistan in Bhopal or Brindavan. Wait, I know who'd be great -- Maneka Gandhi. She can make India a great tourist destination for wildlife seekers. And she can prowl the covers when the other team bats. Does anyone have a lion or tiger for rent that she can use temporarily while we wait for the Bronx Zoo to breed one?

Too many people are getting left out, and in any other country, they would make the team. Here are some quick proposals. P Chidambaram can take over Indian Bank and revive it, I'm sure he could bring all the losses back. Indrajit Gupta should take a padayatra tour of the Communist world -- it shouldn't take more than a day or two. Madhavrao Scindia should continue in his present state, both Gwalior and oblivion. Farooq Abdullah can continue as chief minister -- or Sher-I-Kashmir or whatever it is. Jyoti Basu needs to improve his catching -- too many things slip through his fingers.

So there you have it folks -- Manmohan Singh and Rangarajan to open and do the same thing, Veerapan at one-drop for unbreachable defence combined with the threat of crushing offence, a solid and innovative 2-down in Naidu, with the reliable if somewhat unknown Hidara and the redoubtable Jagadambal to follow. Pivotal wicket-keeper batsman Bakht, followed by the wily spinner Kanshi Ram, and the devastating speedster Advani, both equally capable of lashing out if necessary. And finally, the inevitable medium paced tailenders Maneka Gandhi and the past-his-prime Narasimha Rao filling the supportive bowling slots.

As I warned you earlier, not all Cabinet positions have been filled. We are lacking some important contributors, and several key positions are so finely tuned that there is no reliable back-up. And several of the spots are taken by players who vacillate between the brilliant and the pathetic. Although there are several southerners, no region can complain of discrimination; indeed, there is even a spot for foreigners. Some surprise choices, at least one smacking of outright nepotism.

I did tell you it was a bit like the cricket team, didn't I?

I'm sure this team will do great things, folks. And if you disagree, I have only one response -- wanna bet?

Ashwin Mahesh