'I told all those Indians in Cheen there are some netas who go on holiday and don't work. Here I am, working and working, going on so many yatras, shaking hands with all big world netas till my hands feel they will fall off'
'Hai Hai, so much remains to be done, so many countries still to be visited...'
Sherna Gandhy's humorous take on NaMo's travels.
Oh foh, there is no pleasing some people. Whatever I do, they criticise.
Yes, yes, I know I have many, many, admirers, but there can never be too many. My mission is to get everyone to embrace me -- oh, and my party, of course.
All this multi-party democracy is bakwas. See, I know everything. I know what is good for this country. So why have all this opposition?
But to get back to my critics.
Like I told all those smiling, nodding, Indians in Cheen you must have seen on TV, there are some netas who go on holiday and don't work.
But here I am, working and working, going on so many yatras, shaking hands with all big world netas till my hands feel they will fall off, and what do these critics say?
They say I am not working, but gallivanting.
They want to know how meeting world netas will solve our zillion problems.
Arre bhaiyon/behenon, I have been working so hard in Gujarat doing all sorts of things in the past ten years that I have not been to phoren much.
When I wanted to go, some countries refused me visas.
Hah. That was the day I swore that not only would I visit those countries, but their leaders would invite me to visit them; they would bend and scrape before me, and allow me to address their parliaments.
Like the president of Cheen, they would welcome me not just to the capital of the country, but to their hometowns.
Yes, yes, imagine, Mr Xi invited me to his hometown!
What a great honour was done to me. And, through me, to all of you -- you, my brethren (always I do everything for you, never for myself).
Yet, there are some critics wanting to know what is so great about this welcome that I should go on and on about it.
What can I tell them? They know nothing about close family and village ties and how hometowns are sacred to us. But Mr Xi, he knows and I can assure you we have built up a very pucca relationship.
You must have read how I signed $22 billion worth of deals with Cheen during my trip.
Okay, so India's big business houses will get the money, but they are part of our nation, no? Everything trickles down, as aapro Margaretbehen once said, and I am sure that, somehow, even the suicidal farmer will benefit.
Indian businessmen are so happy -- did you see one of them at my feet? Wonderful chap, so grateful.
I like gratitude. I like people telling me what a great fellow I am and what a great country India is. Everyone loves my phrase 'India is open for business.' Such an American ring to it.
All this talk of farmer suicides, malnutrition, communal polarisation, rewriting history so that myth becomes fact, meddling in education by our gulab jamun of an HRD minister, not allowing people to eat what they want... all that is anti-me propaganda.
In one year, report cards are being made of my time on the gaddi.
No one has failed me yet, but not everyone has been giving me the praise I like to hear.
My PRwallahss are slipping. I will need to shake them up. They think having brought me to Dilli they can take chutti.
My PR team must be on the go all the time, otherwise those nitpickers will not be silenced.
By the way, by critics I don't mean those old men in Bihar or that baccha-looking chap who is trying to take over from his mummy.
Nah, nah, those I can handle, no problem.
I mean those intellectuals, secularwallahs, human rights wallahs.
Once my PRwallahs get on the job again, some wonderful statistics will emerge which will show I am on top of the class again.
The trick is to focus all attention on 'The Economy', which is full of figures that few can understand, so we can say anything and be believed. Keep other matters that the aam aadmi and aurat can see and experience for themselves, off the radar.
Also, a studied silence on my Hindutva brethren. It has served me well last year and ditto this year.
Good thing we have such a dumb media. Never does enough research and haven't a clue about analysis.
Hai Hai, so much remains to be done, so many countries still to be visited...
Image: Mongolian Premier Chimed Saikhanbileg gifts a race horse to Prime Minister Narendra Modi during his visit to the country. Photograph: @MEA/Twitter