ELECTIONS '98
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In light of India

Dear reader/voter/friend/terrorist/faintly amused spectator/otherwise occupied citizen, with an armful of assembly elections right around the corner, political jostling for your eyes and ears is about to reach a colourful pitch again, starting with Goa. Surely, the familiar jargon of finger-pointing and back-stabbing is taking stance at the sticky wickets of various legislatures. Soon, Jyoti Basu will join Ambani & Sons in the name of the SGPC, Rabri Devi will become governor of Sikkim, and the DMK will join the AIADMK against the Haryana Vikas Party. Such is Indian politics, nothing is quite that far from possible as to be ruled out.

Time, perhaps, for a primer on our fanciful systems of government and social organisation. In the coming weeks and months, while you are routinely confused by the posturing on television and in the streets, use this ready reckoner, and find your place in the madness. It won't make the hard times any better, and most of your government will still look like a Genghis Khan pillage in slo-mo. Once you get past such quaintly troubling thoughts, you'll be happy enough, I assure you. Here goes, then.

You may be aware that India is a multi-party democracy. Parties are nebulous and nefarious associations of people, usually discordant, and often inter-changeable. They derive most energy from party workers, who are typically country bumpkins like you and I, misled into hero-worshiping the party-boss, who is typically mafiosi material. If you wait long enough, several of them will approach you with a request for your support.

Choose carefully, because your support is vital. Party-bosses know this, they depend on several people for support. A supporter is a schemer whose machinations are fairly obvious, and should not be confused with an outside supporter, a schemer whose machinations are perfectly obvious. Supporters can desert parties from time to time, especially in times of dire need, and are temporarily assigned the status of defector.

Eventually, the parties must all vie with each other, and a winner must be declared through elections. Elections are colorful, noisy and relentless attempts by some goons to persuade the public that others are bigger goons, you'll see soon enough. Each citizen of India gets one vote, or one bottle of arrack. Many, including myself, realise that the latter is of some value, however limited. In contrast, the former is much hyped and mostly worthless. Nevertheless, I urge you to exercise your franchise, I'm not sure why.

The party that captures the most booths and seats can govern, provided it is not communal. Communal parties are single-religion groups other than the Muslim League or the Akali Dal. Usually, some combination of caste and casteism will decide the eventual winner. Caste is an affectionate term used to describe members of one's own group. Casteism, on the other hand, is a not-so-affectionate term used to describe all others.

The chief of the largest group, once he has been identified, is installed as the chief minister. This is a temporary appointment, and is subject to a healthy combination of greed and malice. Often, the chief minister is the wife/daughter/son-in-law/significant other of ineligible or jailed candidates. The chief is assisted by a team of ministers, who are an interesting combination of clown and bandit. Highly inefficient in public matters, they are nevertheless incredibly efficient and devious in personal life.

Elected members together form the assemblies and the Lok Sabha, By nomination, they group others into the Rajya Sabha, a halfway house for unelectable candidates, with a large back door for Assamese gentlemen who cannot spell Guwahati, and prime ministers who do not wish to risk a real election.

The functions of elected members are broadly divided into formulating various policies. The economic policy is a simple bail-out plan for BIFR-type companies like Indian Bank, the population policy is a radical idea to control the population, and is currently under consideration. The education policy is a generous employment scheme for the underprivileged. The defence policy includes a feeble attempt to have more weapons than personnel in the army, and has been largely unsuccessful. Environment policy is limited to restoring the Taj to its original colour, long since forgotten. Some ministers have turned to high-tech in pursuit of these policy goals, and have fully computerised their inefficiency.

In formulating and enacting these various policies, members are assisted by a team of bureaucrats. IAS officers are hapless, and usually are regular commuters on the transfer shuttle. Their assistance is tremendous and valuable, but no one knows what they do. IFS officers are healthy bureaucrats who roam the world at taxpayers' expense. They should not be confused with sick ministers who also roam the world at taxpayers' expense, ostensibly to get medical treatment. IPS officers hunt down Veerappan, this appears to be a full-time job.

An important part of government relates to foreign policy and external affairs. Foreign policy has so far been limited to extending the hand of friendship to the several groups that are out to erase India. Diplomacy has been excellent in recent years, and a carefully planned strategy to elect Japan to the UN Security Council was a resounding success. The whole Cabinet is considering ways to reproduce this success in other areas, bus drivers are asked to pass on their suggestions. Within foreign policy itself, there are moves afoot to extend the powerful extradition treaty with Bhutan to other countries.

As a privilege of their positions, members of the House are provided excellent accommodation. This is subject to the provision that previous tenants can be evicted before the House is dissolved. Several discretionary powers are also vested in the ministers. Discretion includes the right to consider wives and brothers as strangers while making allotments of various government properties and/or licenses.

Members sometimes extend their discretionary powers without informing each other or the public. At such times, the law might catch up with them. It is a gadfly, an irritant obstacle to the goals of government. It is usually easily subverted, and hardly ever enforced. Despite this laxity, members can get caught. Some are blatantly guilty. Worse still, they've been terribly foolish, caught hiding money in bedsheets. Others are not guilty; they simply did not have enough bedsheets, and hence sent the money elsewhere. In hindsight, this is proving wise.

However, merely being guilty is not an obstacle to their political goals. Usually, members can obtain bail, which outlines the terms of imprisonment for the guilty and the well-heeled. This is vastly different from jail, which outlines the terms of imprisonment for the hapless and the poor. Usually, when members go to court, their guilt or innocence is not the question, instead they question whether the judge is competent, empowered, etc. Those questions are rarely resolved in one lifetime.

Eventually, like all good things, membership in the Houses too must come to an end. During end-games, decency is given a go-by. Despite repeated appeals to refrain from throwing chappals and microphones at members of the Opposition, this has become a rite of passage during dissolution. In extreme form, this includes throwing microphones and chappals at members of one's own party, or at security personnel who are assigned to guard the members. Business houses in the electronics and footwear industry are asked to make contributions in kind instead of cash. All donations are crate-fully accepted.

Don't let all this fool you, or worse still, get you down, for your repeated participation in this elaborate arrangement is vital. Plenty of volunteers will be standing by at the polling booth to assist you in every way. Some candidates offer a home-voting pass, all you have to do is stay at home. If you do decide to vote and find that by some strange turn of events, your unknown twin has already cast your voice, don't panic. India is a vibrant democracy, the will of the people is often respected even before it is voiced.

One last thing, your voter's identification card and a handbook listing all the advice the Election Commission has for you are available from the commissioner's office between the hours of 2 AM and 2:20 AM. Please bring a demand draft for Rs 23 drawn on the Bank of Burkina-Faso, and three pieces of photo-identification. These are not needed to obtain the card or the document, but bring them anyway. I should also clarify that this concise version of the handbook does not violate any copyrights and is completely accurate, it was compiled under diligent and tireless supervision of the Uttar Pradesh Higher Secondary Exam Board.

Like I said, don't sweat it if it's all too much for you. On the whole, it's a lot of fun while nothing changes. I'd say "join the party", but that would put us back at the top.

Ashwin Mahesh