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REVEALED: Why men want sex and women need love!

Last updated on: January 18, 2012 19:17 IST

REVEALED: Why men want sex and women need love!


Abhishek Mande

Relationship guru Allan Pease offers advice to men wondering about the question that has haunted mankind forever and offers a cheeky take on how women and men are indeed from different planets.

We recently met up with Allan Pease, author of bestsellers such as Why Men Don't Listen And Women Can't Read Maps and Why Men Want Sex And Women Need Love, among others. Pease who has co-authored these books with his wife Barbara takes questions on relationships and (in his trademark cheeky, if sometimes sexist manner) tells us just why things go wrong in relationships.

What are the five most universal problems women and men face in a relationship?

Many women of Generation Y are raised to believe that men think like women! Hollywood [films] infers that men think like women -- men like to sit in bed and talk (or go shopping etc). Men don't like to do it. If they do it, it is because have to do it not out of any choice. Not accepting that we are different is one problem.

Women talk in what is called indirect terms and men talk in direct terms.

This means when a man says something there is normally an opening to a sentence, an ending and in the middle there is hard information related to a problem or a fact. Then he stops and looks blankly, which means it is finished. Women often see that as being aggressive.

Women on the other hand don't tell you specifically what they want you to do. They drop clues and hope that you in all your wisdom will understand it. But all of this is completely lost on men. This again, creates problem.

For instance last week my wife said, "Would you like to watch Rango (with the kids)". I didn't want to go for it and she knows I don't like going for movies. Yet after being married for 21 years, she still asks me. That is indirect talking.

What she is really saying is, "I want you to drive me and the kids at the movie in the car and come back and pick us up later on." That is what she's really saying.

So when she asked me if I wanted to watch Rango, I offered to drive then down there. Pat came the reply, "Pick us up at 12!"

Most men wouldn't understand this.

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Image: A poster of The Ugly Truth, a movie starring Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler about what women and men look for in a relationship


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In terms of brain differences, we discovered that there are male-brained people and female-brained people. The former (usually men though occasionally women too) has highly built spatial awareness -- so they are able to understand width, height and breadth. This translates into things like driving motorcars -- because it is all about spatial awareness.

This is why most racecar drivers in history are men and not women and also one of the reasons why women find it difficult to use the rear view mirror for parallel parking. Again, one difference that goes unrecognised.

The number of words spoken in the day is vastly different in women and men and is a cause of serious problem too.

If you have a couple of guys sitting and not talking, it's perfectly fine. But if you have a couple of women sitting around and not talking there is a serious problem.

The male species is used to transmitting facts and data. If you don't have facts and data, you don't talk. The other guys are happy with that.

With the female species, the prime purpose of talking is bonding and rewarding. So if they like you, they want you to feel special, they give you a lot of words. The reverse of that is not talking. So if they want to 'punish' the other person, they won't talk!

If women don't talk to their female friends, they know there is a problem. But when they do the same with the men, what they don't realise is it is a bonanza! It probably takes him 30 minutes to realise he is being punished!

If you want to punish him, make him sit down and discuss his feelings. Women are capable of total collection of 20,000-24,000 collective signals of communication in a day whereas male brain can accommodate about 5,000 to 7,000.

So if a woman, who has for example been stuck at home the whole day and hasn't been able to download her quota of words during the day, the man gets to be at the receiving end.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Image: If they want you to feel special, women give you a lot of words

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Finally there is the difference between multi-tasking and mono tasking. Male differences have fewer connections in the brains and usually have compartmentalised brains that can focus on solitary tasks. So if a guy comes to a really busy intersection and if the woman is talking to him, the guy finds it difficult to focus because he is trying to work out social co-ordinates. So I say this to women:


Men can do only one thing at a time whereas women have the ability to multi-task.

The thing is these differences can be quite pronounced and at the same time can put up a great double act and can be managed without much stress.

But women seem to think that they can change men. No they can't -- what you see is what you get. If you see him changing it's because he wants sex! (Laughs)

I say the opposite to men -- a woman's body is controlled by hormonal changes. Every decade hormones change in a female body. So what we say to men is, 'Look at the positive. Hey you get a new one every decade!' (Laughs)

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Image: Men are terrible multi-taskers. Don't talk to them when they're driving

Tags: THEY , DON , Uttam Ghosh

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So why is it that why men don't listen and women cannot read maps?

It's not that men don't listen it's just that men cannot listen if they are doing something else. If they're watching television and someone's talking, it's all white noise for them.

However men can remember the last sentence spoken, which is why when a woman asks what was I saying just now, she gets told the last sentence she's spoken!

It's not that men don't listen but we just have short attention spans... and women speak in indirect terms. If, for instance, you ask a woman the time, you want to know the time but she'll probably tell you the history of Swiss watch-making!

If a woman is asked what, when, which or how, they will never answer that question. If you ask what, she'll probably answer how. If you ask when, they answer who!

For instance:
Man: What did he say?
Woman: I am not sure who he was talking to, he wasn't happy!

Huh?! If a man were to answer that question, he'd probably reply, "He said, this!" That is direct talk

Or take this as another instance:
Man: When do you think we should see your mother?
Woman: My mother's been very sick and I've got to get her hips checked.

Huh?! I didn't ask for a health report, I wanted to know when we could visit her mother. That is indirect talk!

It's funny because every man thinks they are the only people this is happening only to them!

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Image: It isn't that men don't listen, they just don't listen when they're doing something else

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Why can't women read maps? (The short answer is) because reading maps relies on the ability to understand width, height and depth, which is a (in the evolutionary cycle) hunting skill!

However there has been some extensive research on this. When a man looks at a map and the map says he should have gone 2 km back, taken the left and at the intersection taken the third exit, he doesn't have to get out of the car, turn around and look because you rotate the map in your mind!

Most women on the other hand don't have this ability so it makes sense for them to turn the map in the direction they are facing and try to find their way from there.

Men find that bizarre.

Women will probably know that McDonalds has a 30 per cent off but they wouldn't know how to get there!

We found that with the taxi drivers association in Australia. There is a difference in the way women and men give directions.

Women give landmark directions -- they get in the car and say 'Go past building x, go around that way -- not right or left -- and at the very end you will see a pink building.'

That is how women give directions!

Men on the other hand will say, 'Head north, after three streets turn right, go three km and at the end it's there!'

And since most taxi drivers are men women drive them nuts!

So the advice we give men is if you want a woman to be happy, get her a GPS... with a 3D perspective!

Image: If you want a woman to be happy, get her a GPS

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According to you, research suggests that men and women lie equally but why is it that men make lousy lairs and women don't?

It's not who make lousy lairs but it's rather about who gets caught!

Men get caught more often because women are sensitive to non verbal signals the slightest pupil dilation or clinching of the cheek muscle will reveal to them that you're bullshg. Women pick up on the smallest things!

So if you have to fib you don't go face-to-face with her. Opt for a text messages or simply make a phone call.

Now, women lie too but men cant pick up on non verbal signals. They just aren't good at reading the non-verbal cues. They don't know what they're seeing and what they're hearing are contradicting each other.

Why? Because men can only do one thing at a time?

Yes and also because they're usually staring at her breasts! (Laughs) The general belief is that the bigger the breasts, the dumber the woman. But in reality the bigger a woman's breasts are, the dumber men around her get! (Laughs)

Illustration: Dominic Xavier

Image: Women and men lie almost equal number of times but men invariably get caught


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You often speak of trick questions -- questions that women ask for which there isn't really an answer. What are the top five trick questions men should beware of and how to answer them right?

When a woman asks a question it is usually an indirect question. The question has nothing to do with what she has to say.

For instance in the earlier situation with my wife and me going to the movies, when she asks, "Do you want to go to Rango?" what she is saying is, "I want you to drop us at the cinema hall and pick us up later?"

So the number one trick question is:

'Do I look fat in this dress?'

The answer isn't a yes or a no! Because when she's looked in the mirror, she knows she looks fat so if you say no, she knows you're lying. Obviously you can't say yes because then she'll say you don't give her compliments.

So the answer to that question is: "You look fabulous!"

Number 2: 'Do you love me?'

It cannot be yes because that would mean you having to prove it to her. And it certainly cannot be no! So the answer to that is: 'You are the most perfect woman I have lived with!' or something to that effect.

Number 3: 'What are you thinking?'

The correct answer to that (usually) is 'Nothing' but that is a bad answer.

So the answer should be: 'I was thinking how lucky I am to be with a woman like you that changed my like and made me such a better man.' (Laughs)

Number 4: 'Is sex with me is better than with your sex?'

This is the most universally asked question.

The answer to that should (yet again) be: 'I am so lucky I am to be with a woman like you that changed my like and made me such a better man.' (Laughs)

Number 5: 'If I die, would you get married again?'

This one is of course the trickiest because the correct answer, as statistics show, is yes.

The real answer is: I cannot imagine being with any other person in my life. I can't even begin to anticipate that question. How could you even bring this up!

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Image: Beware of the trick questions

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Ok, so what you're saying is lie your way through a relationship. And yet at the same time you suggest that men make lousy lairs. So how does this contradiction work?

First off, people who tell the truth are lonely! If you tell the truth to everyone you met in the last 24 hours you would have no friends and you'd probably be fired and arrested. So the fact is we don't tell the truth, we socially lubricate the conversation!

Now, when it comes to relationships women know you're lying but they are happy with the lie. They don't want to hear the truth.

On a serious note, what are the most important questions couples should ask each other before getting married?

Children: Do we have children and how do we raise them and how we reprimand them?

Money: How much do you earn? How are the finances to be spread out?

Sex: What do you like? What don't you like? These issues don't get discussed at all

Spirituality: What are your beliefs etc?

These things rarely ever get discussed.

Finally, what are the five things to do when your relationship is on the rocks?

Get counselling: It's crucial that both of you must see a counsellor and listen to what the counsellor has to say objectively.

Accept that women and men think differently: A lot of people, especially women of Generation Y think that men think like women. It's not true. Men need to understand the same with women.
Avoid blame: This is the worst thing you can do. And it gets you nowhere

Take time out: get out of your environment. You cannot make intelligent decisions by staying in the same environment.

Calm yourself: Spend time and money on things you enjoy. Get a massage, take a vacation and calm your mind before taking any hasty steps.

Illustration: Uttam Ghosh

Image: Among the things to discuss, ensure you talk about money and how it will be handled

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