From bunking lectures to making girlfriends, bestselling author of Kissing Ass Clyde D'souza's latest book 'Ghanta College!' aims to give you 'non-pakao' gyaan on everything about the art of topping college life.
We bring you an excerpt from the book for you to read:
As a collegian on the verge of adulthood, the one thing that you’re going to be obsessed with is being cool.
As if just being human is not enough, there will be this crushing need to gain acceptance and perhaps awe by being seen as cool to your friends, your girlfriends, your teachers, the peon, and most importantly that ugly person who stares at you in the mirror every morning.
The clothes you wear, the movies you watch, how you fight or cry can have a bearing on how cool you and others think you are.
Here’s how you can have a go at it.
(Published with the kind permission of Random House India. The book is priced at Rs 199)
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Denim alert! Watch out for that butt crack!
Basic guide on the uniform of most collegians
Yeah no more uniforms!
Now you can stand out in the crowd by wearing your own brand of jeans, tops, and tees. Just like everyone else!
The standard dress code in college for boys would be jeans, so it’s extremely crucial to know how to wear your jeans.
Just a bit of your boxers showing is okay. Your butt crack showing is not.
Extremely loose if you want to look like a rapper. Too tight and you’ll be squeezing your family jewels.
Normally worn by guys who are into hip hop or are really fat.
So tight you can hardly breathe. You’re either trying to be a fashion designer or you’re gay.
You don’t really care about fashion and prefer regular jeans. Safe but boring.
You’re either a rocker or a wannabe rockstar or just can’t afford a new pair of jeans since you’ve spent all the money on your girl.
Cleavage alert! How desperate are you?
As a girl (and this applies only to girls, unless you have a serious case of man boobs), most guys are going to be staring a lot at your boobs.
How much cleavage you show depends entirely on how desperate you are for attention.
You show nothing and leave everything to the imagination!
The top you wear covers not only your bosom but pretty much your neck.
It’s like you never want to show your cleavage the light of day.
What It Means: Either you’re super conservative or plain shy. Or Shatrugan Sinha is your dad.
Your cleavage just about peeks out from your top, revealing enough to raise the curiosity of horny boys but is still decent enough to be allowed in college. Think Katrina, Kareena, Priyanka.
What It Means: You’re okay with a tiny bit of exposure as long as it’s decent.
The Rack Attack
A guy will find it very difficult to talk to you in the eye given the ample display of your rack.
You’ve got it and you really want to flaunt it in people’s faces. Think Veena Malik, Rakhi Sawant.
What It Means: Yup, we know they’re yours and you can do whatever you want with them. But keep in mind that people are only going to remember you for one thing. Make that two things!
What your tee says about you!
Nothing shows your attitude and your eagerness to stand out than the kind of tee a guy wears. These are the standard tees you’ll find on campus.
All goth and skull and hair, these dark macabre images on tees signal that the wearer wants to rebel but can only do so by wearing a tee shirt.
Batman, Spidey, Superman, take your pick. The schoolboy turned collegian may have left his superhero figurines at home but now dons his favourite superhero on his tee. With great power comes super average T-shirts.
You’re the copy paste kind of guy, the kind who borrows a witty line and passes it as his own on FB. You wear t-shirts like FBI (Female Body Inspector) and want people to think you’re cool.
Be a topper in movies, know these Pakao Classics!
You may be a topper in studies, but you’ll feel like a complete dumbass if you didn’t know that Kareena Kapoor was the ghost in Talaash before it was eventually revealed in the movie.
Here’s the ghanta guide on the absolute must know movies divided in classics, must watch, and college classics categories.
Sad movie directed by Satyajit Ray. About a little boy named Apu and his growing up years in Kolkata.
An alcoholics’ love triangle. Starring Dilip Kumar and later, SRK.
Prince fights with his King father over a dancer. Cool fact -- it stars Ranbir Kapoor’s great grandfather Prithvi Raj Kapoor.
Patriotic movie starring Sanjay Dutt’s mom and dad -- Nargis and Sunil.\
Hum Aapke Hain Kaun
Salman. Madhuri. A Dog. A wedding. 14 songs.
Fun if you like watching a wedding video and Madhuri getting hit on the bum with a slingshot!
Must watch Bolly classics!
Classic buddy film starring Amitabh Bachchan and Dharmendra. Amitabh dies.
Amar Akbar Anthony
Three brothers separated at birth. Starring Vinod Khanna, Rishi Kapoor, and Big B.
Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro
Naseerudin Shah in a cult black comedy.
Andaz Apna Apna
Salman and Aamir in a classic comedy.
Anil Kapoor becomes invisible on wearing a watch. I’m serious. And Sridevi—pre nose job
Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak
India’s Romeo and Juliet starring Aamir and Juhi Chawla. Yup, these two die too.
Aamir and a bunch of farmers beat the Brits in a game of cricket.
Must watch college classics
Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge (DDLJ)
Aditya Chopra’s sugary sweet love story starring SRK, Kajol, and Switzerland.
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai (KKHH)
Karan Johar’s directorial debut starring SRK, Salman, Rani, and Kajol in an Archies’ type world.
Maine Pyaar Kiya
Rich boy Salman falls in love with poor girl Bhagyashree. Awesome songs!
Sanjay Dutt plays a cute bhai with sidekick Arshad Warsi as Circuit.
The cool version of Devdas.
Dil Chahta Hai
Starring best friends Aamir, Saif, and Akshay Khanna on a trip to Goa.
Aamir, R Madhavan, and Sharman Joshi play college kids. Aamir later turns out to be the genius Phunsukh Wangdu.
Of course the above list does not cover every awesome or pakao classic ever made but it’s a quick guide on what to watch or pretend that you’ve watched it.
The perils of being a socialite!
Photographs: Harnoor Channi-Tiwary
Guest Lecture: Peace Out
Vrushali Telang, Author, Jai Hind College
Around the Pokhran nuke tests -- which was way back in 1998 -- I had graduated from Jai Hind college.
'A Road' was my adda and I often went back as I knew practically all the students who hung out there.
Most of them were juniors and some were batchmates who, like me, could not leave the best days of our lives behind and move on.
So it was either 'A Road' or ‘Cafe Leopold’ where we hung out.
Three years of hanging around the same addas, I could give Queenie Dhody a run for her money.
I knew everyone and everyone knew me.
I was a socialite and I loved it!
And so a month later, I became a socialist! By force.
The post-graduate program I was enrolled in had a conscientious bunch of students and faculty who discussed and debated about how nuclear tests were horrible and unsafe.
They had a point. But then most of us have a point, don't we now?
The point is that I did not have a point of view back then. But I wanted to play the part.
So I nodded my head in agreement and said ‘Yes, yes, correct, correct’.
As a protest, the students and faculty decided to have a Peace March starting from NCPA.
Home turf! I tried to crouch as I feared being spotted in a Peace Rally.
God knows what I was thinking, but I really did not want to be there or be seen.
I wanted to run. And that's exactly what I did.
As the protestors moved on, I moved back and ran as fast as I could.
Where did I go? To Cafe Leopold and guzzled a pitcher of beer with a bunch of juniors.
'Being cool is being damn good at any one thing'
Don't pretend to be an extrovert if you're not. It's ok to be shy quiet type.
We think you're cool if you have a non-study related chat with us. Maybe even a little bit of campus gossip!
Flaunt your personality, not your expensive brands.
GHANTA BLACKBOARD LESSON OF THE DAY: Be Good At One Thing
In the long run, being cool is being damn good at any one thing—be it Advance Programming or the highest score in Angry Birds.