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'We have sex once a month. Help!'

Last updated on: September 28, 2023 16:07 IST

Illustration: Dominic Xavier/

Is your relationship going through a difficult time?

Are you struggling to communicate your concerns with your spouse, partner or a loved one?

Do you think you need the help of a marriage counsellor, a life coach or mental health expert?

rediffGURU Kanchan Rai, a relationships expert and a mind coach, urges you to talk about your problems so you can seek solutions and also transform your life.

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.

Vigneswaran: I am a married person. She is a housewife. But she is fighting with me daily and always talks about suicide, blackmail and compares to others.
What is the solution?
My thought is I want to break up with this female and find a new life partner. Is it correct?

rediffGURU Kanchan Rai: I understand that you're going through an incredibly challenging and emotionally taxing situation.

It's clear that you're feeling overwhelmed and at a loss for how to deal with your spouse's behaviour. It's essential to approach this situation with care and empathy.

Safety first: If your spouse is making suicide threats, please take them seriously and prioritise her safety.

Reach out to professionals or hotlines immediately to ensure she gets the help she needs.

Seek Professional Help: Both you and your spouse should consider seeking the support of a licensed therapist or counsellor.

The issues you're facing are undoubtedly distressing, and a professional can guide you through the process of understanding and addressing them.

Communication: It's important to have open and compassionate conversations with your spouse.

Express your concerns and listen to her feelings as well. Try to create an atmosphere of understanding and support.

Support Her Mental Health: Encourage your spouse to seek help from a mental health professional who can provide a proper evaluation and treatment plan.

Mental health struggles can greatly affect a person's behavior and emotions.

Consider All Options: Ending a marriage is a significant decision that should not be made impulsively.

Exhaust all available options for working through your issues before considering separation or divorce.

This is a difficult and painful time for both of you, and I encourage you to seek the guidance and support of professionals who specialise in relationship counseling and mental health.

Remember that your well-being and the well-being of your spouse are of utmost importance, and compassionate communication and professional help can be instrumental in finding a resolution to these complex issues.


Anonymous: Hi Ma'am, I am a 30 year old woman, married since 11 years. My husband is 36 years years old and have a normal intellectual relationship. The problem is since the past 2 years, we have had a very poor physical relationship.
We have intercourse once in a month or 2 months (we indulge in foreplay weekly though) since my husband has been facing medical issues relating to the same and somewhat refrains visiting a doctor.
He has even confessed to self consummate occasionally. We do not have a child and since many years we have been trying naturally and medically, but results have not come favourable.
We have noticed that recently that our interests in each other has begun fading.
My husband really loves me and takes care of me at the same time, I love him too, but things have not been very good of late.
We both are very eager to start a family as well and plan to go for another medical attempt soon.
Can you guide us how to get back to the healthy relationship we had?

rediffGURU Kanchan Rai: I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a challenging time in your relationship.

It's important to address both the physical and emotional aspects of your relationship to work towards a healthier and happier dynamic. Here are some steps you can consider:

Open Communication: Sit down with your husband and have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and concerns.

Share your thoughts about the changes in your physical relationship, the impact it's having on your emotional connection, and your mutual desire to start a family.

Seek professional help: Since your husband is experiencing medical issues related to your physical relationship, it's crucial for him to consult a doctor.

Encourage him to see a medical professional who specialises in sexual health.

It's common for people to feel uncomfortable discussing such matters, but a doctor's guidance can help identify the underlying issues and recommend appropriate treatment.

Counseling or therapy: Consider seeking couples therapy or counseling to address the emotional aspects of your relationship.

A therapist can help both of you communicate more effectively, understand each other's needs, and work through any emotional barriers that might be affecting your intimacy.

Spend quality time: Spend quality time together outside of your physical relationship.

Engage in activities you both enjoy, communicate openly, and strengthen your emotional bond. This can help rekindle the connection you had before.

Support each other: Going through medical challenges and fertility issues can be emotionally draining.

Support each other during this time by being patient, understanding, and showing empathy. Remember that you're a team, facing these challenges together.

Explore different ways of intimacy: Explore ways to maintain intimacy that don't necessarily involve intercourse.

Engage in activities that foster emotional closeness, like cuddling, holding hands, or having deep conversations.

Manage stress: Fertility struggles and relationship issues can lead to increased stress.

Find healthy ways to manage stress, such as exercise, meditation, or engaging in hobbies you enjoy.

Set realistic expectations: While it's natural to want to conceive and start a family, try not to let this desire put excessive pressure on your relationship.

Setting realistic expectations and timelines can help alleviate some of the stress.

Rediscover your partner: Take time to learn about each other anew.

People change over time, so invest effort into discovering your partner's evolving interests, dreams, and aspirations.

Have a positive outlook: Focusing on the strengths of your relationship and the progress you make, both emotionally and physically, can make a significant difference.

Remember that relationships go through ups and downs, and it's not uncommon to face challenges.

With open communication, patience, and a willingness to work together, you can navigate these difficulties and work towards reestablishing a healthy and fulfilling relationship. If needed, consider reaching out to professionals, such as therapists or doctors, to provide specialised guidance.

Disclaimer: All content and media herein is written and published online for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. It should not be relied on as your only source for advice.

Please always seek the guidance of your doctor or a qualified health professional with any questions you may have regarding your health or a medical condition. Do not ever disregard the advice of a medical professional, or delay in seeking it because of something you have read herein.

If you believe you may have a medical or mental health emergency, please call your doctor, go to the nearest hospital, or call emergency services or emergency helplines immediately. If you choose to rely on any information provided herein, you do so solely at your own risk.

Opinions expressed herein cannot necessarily provide advice to fit the exact specifics of the issues of the person requesting advice.