It would be better to stop pursuing intimacy for now since your partner is uninterested, says rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, CEO of Quack Quack and Rebounce, a matrimony platform.
Instead focus on having a structured conversation such as, 'Are you willing to work on this marriage to make it better?'
Marriage can be deeply painful if one partner feels ignored all the time.
The reasons could be many -- emotional, physical, financial...
When these issues are not addressed, and years pass, they can create distance, resentment and loneliness between a couple.
In his advice to a distressed husband, rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, dating coach, CEO of the online dating website Quack Quack and Rebounce, a matrimony platform, explains how to address long-standing issues in a marriage.
- You can post your dating and relationship-related questions for rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE
Anonymous: Hi, I am a 58-year-old male and have been in an arranged marriage for 29 years.
I have two daughters. I am being treated like a stranger in my own house.
nd talks negatively about me for everything. She does not listen to anything regarding family or personal matters.
I am not earning much. I am doing my best through my business and services.
For everything, I need a basic amount to manage my business until it develops.
There is no support for this from my family. Instead of supporting and motivating me, she is always negative about me.
She knows I am not earning enough and am unable to meet major expenses.
She has come from a wealthy family whereas I have not.
She has helped provide financial support many times. Now, for the past three to four years, her behaviour has changed.
She taunts and blames me for not providing financial support. Whatever she has provided has always been used for the family. She knows that.
I am unable to focus on my business development. She gives negative feedback about me to my daughters and they also behave the same way with me instead of supporting and motivating me.
There has been no intimacy or sex for the past one year.
Earlier, it was hardly once a month after I made positive and loving efforts. I love her very much but this is making me lose that love and affection for her.
In our 29 years of marriage, she has never initiated intimacy or love. I have always been the one doing it.
She has never shown interest in getting physical right from the first day.
She has not kissed me even once or hugged me voluntarily in these 29 years. I initiate everything.
I am romantic. She is not.
She gives one reason or the other and avoids it.
She avoids kissing. She never liked the gifts I bought for her.
I want her to wear different dresses but she rejects the idea.
Though we sleep on the same bed, she just goes to sleep.
When I go to her, either she pushes me away or says she has to wake up early and asks me to sleep.
Even after such long gaps, when I initiate intimacy after one to three months, she taunts me, saying I only want that from her.
I have been hugging, kissing and showing love, affection and care for her right from the first day of our marriage. The same thing is missing from her.
I have tried many times to talk to her politely and tried to woo her but it has been of no use.
I have approached her many times, saying that we can have a one-on-one talk and sort out any issues she has with me but she avoids talking about it.
I have tried to talk to her, saying, 'Let's understand what's going wrong.'
If I start generally talking, she starts arguing and talking negatively and avoids the main discussion, which forces me to shut my mouth.
When we go out on a two- or three-day trip, she enjoys the outing, sightseeing, food and sleep. But she does not behave romantically or lovingly. It is just the same as at home.
Even I know that I am not earning much and I am trying my best to do well.
She always talks about her money, financial support and her parental home with arrogance and attitude. She has been good with her parental side but not with my side.
I believe both husband and wife should take care of the family together, irrespective of who is financially stronger.
Just because I am not earning well, I don't understand why I am being treated this way.
If this had started in the past few years, I could understand. But I have been facing this right from day one.
Now, I have stopped talking much and I am silently going through loneliness.
I understand that it has been quite difficult for you.
After 29 years, feeling unwanted, unsupported and criticised can make anyone feel extremely lonely.
Your problem sounds a lot bigger than just lack of intimacy.
There are long-standing communication issues and both emotional and financial issues. This cannot be solved with romance alone.
It would be better to stop pursuing intimacy for now, since your partner is uninterested and instead focus on having a structured conversation such as, 'Are you willing to work on this marriage to make it better?'
If she refuses to discuss these things with you, I suggest seeing a marriage counsellor; it will be an impartial party looking into the matter without supporting one over another.
I hope this helps.
- You can post your relationship-related questions for rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE
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