'I Discovered Disturbing Things About His Past'

A healthy marriage is based on trust and honesty, says rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, CEO of Quack Quack, an online dating web site, and Rebounce, a matrimony platform.

Is it wrong to look into someone's past?

What if you are constantly being questioned about yours?

How would you react if your partner constantly judged, accused and emotionally punished you for it?

And what if the very person demanding honesty from you has kept parts of their own life hidden?

rediffGURU Ravi Mittal, CEO, Quack Quack, an online dating web site, and Rebounce, a matrimony platform, explains how a healthy marriage is based on trust and honesty.

• You can post your dating and relationship-related questions for rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE

Anonymous: Hi Sir, my married life has been a complete disaster for the past 1.8 years.
Before marriage, I had only one past relationship. My husband repeatedly asked if I had any physical relationship before marriage.
I denied it initially and when I asked him about his past, he vaguely said he had dated three women for about three months each.
Whenever I asked directly about physical involvement or even something as simple as kissing, he avoided the topic or changed the subject.
On the first day of our arranged marriage, after intimacy, he said something that confused me.
I was already scared and anxious. Later, when he asked me to share something I had never told anyone, I told him the truth -- that my past relationship involved physical intimacy and that it was forced, not by my choice.
After that, his behaviour completely changed. He stopped talking to me, even during our honeymoon.
We were intimate only twice but emotionally he was completely absent. I cried constantly.
After returning home, he started avoiding me, leaving the house despite working from home.
He verbally abused me, made derogatory comments about my character and threatened to tell my parents and divorce me, accusing me of hiding my past.
He even went on a Europe trip alone for 15 days, barely contacting me, which made me fear he was cheating.
Due to constant fights and emotional abuse, I started looking into his past and discovered disturbing things -- multiple physical relationships (8 to 9), e-mails linked to prostitutes, a banned Tinder account he tried to restore even after our engagement and trips with an ex just days before our engagement.
He called her 'just a friend' but the evidence said otherwise.
I also found intimate photos and videos of his exes saved on his hard disk, even though they were many years old.
Despite all this, he continued to accuse and defame me in front of his parents, saying I lied about my past while he had never disclosed his own.
What I saw and experienced has deeply scarred me and I feel he never had any emotional attachment to me from the beginning.
Ever since I told him the truth, he has shown no care, empathy or love. I am left questioning.
Was I wrong to look into his past when I was being emotionally abused and accused? Or is he simply not the right person for me, someone who lacks emotional maturity, honesty and compassion?

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

We can't control or change our past.

You were with someone in your past because you believed things will work out with that person. That is completely normal. Whereas your husband has been dragging his past relationships even after your engagement. It's completely different and borderline cheating.

Please rethink whether you want to continue living like this.

Confront him directly and show him the proof that you have found.

Ask him if your past is so open to criticism, then what about his?

Please have a direct and open conversation.

A healthy marriage is based on trust and honesty.

• You can post your dating and relationship-related questions for rediffGURU Ravi Mittal HERE

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