You cannot 'fix' the relationship between your mother and wife, says rediffGURU Kanchan Rai. You can only create conditions for healing.
What do you do when two people you love the most refuse to talk to each other?
It's a heart-breaking situation many families face.
rediffGURU Kanchan Rai, mind coach and founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, explains how to deal with the situation with empathy.
Anonymous: I lost my father early this year.
Since his demise, our family is going through a traumatic period.
My mother was especially very depressed and withdrawn.
During these challenging times, my wife and my mother had serious arguments over past issues which are common among in-laws.
It has been more than six months and they are not on good talking terms.
They refuse to settle their differences.
My efforts to strike a reconciliation between them are to no avail.
I am in severe emotional distress while dealing with my mother on one side and my wife on the other.
Please advise on the way forward so as to reach some state of peaceful and amicable solution. Thank you.
The first thing you need to accept is that you cannot 'fix' their relationship directly. You can only create conditions for healing.
That means stepping back from being the mediator and shifting to being the emotional anchor -- calm, consistent and non-reactive.
When you try to force a reconciliation, both sides may feel pushed or unheard. Instead, start by talking to each of them separately with empathy, not persuasion.
With your mother, acknowledge her pain. With your wife, express gratitude for what she's done and how hard this period has been for her.
The goal is to lower the emotional temperature.
Once both feel less defensive, you can suggest something small -- maybe your wife checking in with your mother about her health or meals or you all sharing a family ritual in your father's memory.
Avoid joint confrontations or 'peace talks' for now; they rarely work when emotions are raw.
Also, please don't neglect your own grief. You're carrying the burden of peacekeeping but your heart needs care too.
Consider individual therapy or even a brief grief-support group. You'll need emotional balance to guide others toward it.
Peace may not come quickly but it will come gradually -- through consistent empathy, patience and your calm example.
You can't make them love each other right now but you can show them what love looks like in how you listen, speak and stay grounded.
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