In our series on modern marriages, young couples from across India discuss how they deal with differences of opinion, lifestyle preferences and personal choices.
*Chitra tells us how her strained relationship with her husband and mother-in-law gradually improved after her father-in-law passed away.
Fifteen years ago, *Pranav and I met each other through a common friend.
He was handsome, had a small consulting business and taught management at a local college in Nashik. I worked as a clerk in the same city.
We lived 20 kms away but since his family was in Mumbai, he would often travel on alternate weekends. We dated for two years before we decided to get married.
He was earning Rs 30,000 a month and I was making Rs 20,000.
Life was smooth until, one day, his father met with a bike accident.
Pranav took up a job in Mumbai to take care of his father. I quit my job and we moved in with his parents.
Initially, his mother was very cold towards me. Despite all my efforts, she wouldn't speak nicely or appreciate what I did.
Within a few months, I understood something. She believed that I had brought misfortune to the family.
Growing up as an only child, I never felt the need to learn cooking. I didn't know how to cook because I wasn't interested. The first time I made tea, she mocked saying it "tastes like dishwater" and told all our relatives about it.
When I told Pranav how I felt, he told his mother to teach me how to cook a few basic items.
But every time I entered the kitchen and made a mistake, she would taunt me and my parents.
She would say things like "Didn't your mother teach you this?" or "I wonder how your parents tolerated you/this behaviour for so many years." If I answered back, it would annoy her more. She would narrate incidents from the kitchen and make fun of me in front of my parents and relatives.
After moving to Mumbai, I really missed my privacy and freedom; meanwhile, Pranav was dividing his time between work and his father.
Those three years were the toughest years of our marriage.
Pranav and I wouldn't talk for days as he would sleep in his parents' room and I had to share my bed with his mother. She would be on the phone all night sometimes, telling her relatives how I knew nothing and I would wake up feeling cranky the next day.
My dad suggested that we move out but Pranav said he wouldn't be able to afford it.
I tried looking for a job too but travelling in Mumbai wasn't easy. I quit my job in less than a month.
When my father-in-law recovered briefly, Pranav suggested we go on a long holiday. Things weren't good between us and we really deserved that break.
During the trip, we spent quality time with each other and realised how much we loved each other and desired to stay together. He listened to me patiently but he defended his parents.
I remember crying a lot. He told me he was expecting to be promoted at work. He promised me that if things worked out, we would move out soon.
Honestly, I wasn't too hopeful because I knew his mother would never let it happen. But Pranav kept his word and we moved to a rented place in the same building.
We also decided to become parents and enter the next chapter of our lives.
As we had expected, the decision to move out didn't go down well with his parents. They were very upset with us. Suddenly, Pranav was caught between his love for me and his duties as a son. I also became extremely possessive because I didn't want to move back.
Our fights continued and he would sometimes stay at his parents' house to avoid arguments and keep them happy.
During that period, there were many days when I thought our marriage was beginning to fall apart.
And then, the lockdown happened.
His parents -- both diabetic -- fell ill and we had to take care of them. His mom suddenly felt helpless and turned to me for everything. I was reluctant initially but slowly we warmed up to each other.
A year later, Pranav lost his dad. It was devastating for the entire family.
His elder brother flew back from the US and stayed with us for a while. He acknowledged how well we took care of their parents and comforted both Pranav and me.
After my father-in-law passed away, my mother-in-law became a different person. She went completely silent, which was very unusual. She wouldn't answer her phone calls or enter the kitchen. She wouldn't take her medicines or listen to anyone.
Everyone was worried about her loneliness. But nobody knew how to help her.
Since I was pregnant, I decided to use it as an excuse to make her active. I would lie to her, say that I could not enter the kitchen and request her to make something for me. That changed everything.
I told Pranav to stay away for a few days.
My mother-in-law knew that I wouldn't be able to manage everything so she started sending food for me. Then she made laddoos. She would even take me to the hospital when Pranav was away.
We would still have our disagreements but, deep down, the fact that she was dealing with grief made me react and respond differently. She would go against the doctor's advice and tell me to eat certain foods and I put on weight.
Instead of a normal delivery, I had a C-section birth. Pranav's mother would fight with my mother to take care of her grandson.
There were so many meltdowns and it began taking a toll on my health. At one point, I felt I didn't need either set of parents.
Pranav told me to look at it as a healthy competition in which we could all benefit by letting them take control.
Since Pranav had experience teaching management, he knew how to manage all our tantrums.
I know I may sound selfish and cold when I say this but I have to admit that my father-in-law's death changed my mother-in-law's attitude towards me and mine towards her. Eventually, it saved our marriage.
Though my father-in-law never mistreated me, I had to deal with a stubborn woman who had the support of her husband.
Even today, Pranav doesn't admit that his mother humiliated me which I think is okay.
Though our rents are high, we have continued to stay in separate flats which I feel has given all of us some privacy, leading to lesser fights.
Pranav spends his mornings with his mother and evenings with us.
If Pranav's father was alive, we would probably be stuck in a bad relationship situation where Pranav would have to choose and make tough decisions every day.
Pranav and I have known each other for 15 years. The one quality I like about my husband is that he's a good listener. But he always likes to delay decisions which sometimes makes me impatient.
Whenever I face a tough situation, I like to think out of the box.
To be honest, I am too young to give any relationship advice because I feel each marriage and each relationship is different. What works for one person may not necessarily work for someone else.
The way I look at relationships is that we will all face a situation where we feel everything and everyone is against us and there is no way out but to quit and surrender.
When all doors close on you, you can either give up or find a new window that will open for you. Instead of giving up, I would always ask: Is there an alternative to this?
*Names changed to protect privacy
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