'If your daughter chooses to be bothered by who is the better daughter-in-law, who does more work and who gets the praise, she's going to be stuck in this loop and there's no end to it,' alerts rediffGURU Anu Krishna.
Living in a joint family is not easy.
When expectations and responsibilities are not shared equally, it can become challenging.
If a new family member is not treated with respect, it can also create emotional stress.
In her latest advisory, rediffGURU Anu Krishna, mind coach and co-founder of Unfear Changemakers, counsels how to respond to such situations without compromising one's dignity or mental well-being.
- You can post your relationship questions for rediffGURU Anu Krishna HERE
Anonymous: Hi Madam, I am from Jaipur. My daughter is married into a well-off joint family and has a two-year-old baby. She is facing the following problems:
In their family, she has a mother-in-law, her two sons (my daughter is married to the elder son and the other son is married to a working wife). My daughter is also working in a reputed multinational company.
We have raised our daughter with good values such as always respecting elders, whether or not they reciprocate with love; maintaining good relations with everyone, both elders and younger members; and taking care of the home.
The problem is that her mother-in-law is totally in favour of her younger daughter-in-law as she is from their caste. She gives more importance to the younger bahu than to my daughter.
No matter how much my daughter does for her mother-in-law and others in the family, she always finds fault with her.
On the other hand, the younger daughter-in-law is very clever and shrewd and finds ways to butter up her mother-in-law and the sister-in-law (who is also married, has two children and lives separately). She does very little household work and still manages to get praise from everyone because of her shrewdness.
My daughter doesn't like buttering or paying lip service. She is therefore continuously facing physical and mental stress due to all this.
She shares her suffering with me and I try to console her and advise her to tactfully handle situations as they arise. I tell her not to take too much stress but I understand her situation.
My son-in-law, though he loves his wife, cares more for his ageing mother and therefore doesn't confront his mother, his sister-in-law or his younger brother (who is also totally in favour of his wife, the younger daughter-in-law). He supports my daughter in private but doesn't confront his mother whenever my daughter complains about her, saying that his mother might feel hurt.
The biggest problem is that, due to all this, my daughter is under great stress and is sometimes unable to cope with the extreme situations surrounding her. She keeps sharing her thoughts and problems with me and I give her advice according to the best of my knowledge and experience.
I request your expert advice on what action we should take so that my daughter can lead a normal, dignified life. Thanks.
It's almost impossible to change people; the way we respond to them is the only safe bet.
If your son-in-law openly supports your daughter, you know what it will do to the family -- fights, arguments and, if there's a rift, your daughter will be blamed for it.
If the only way is a joint family, then the way to approach this is quite straightforward.
It's even better that your daughter is working so she has very little time for interactions at home.
Now, if your daughter chooses to be bothered by who is the better daughter-in-law, who does more work and who gets the praise, she's going to be stuck in this loop and there's no end to it.
Yes, I will ask her to ignore it and do only what she can, without waiting for anyone to notice. Seeing this change in behaviour will definitely cause the family to notice it and, who knows, things may change.
If marriage only meant that one's efforts must be noticed, especially in a joint family, that is almost an impossibility as someone or the other is always going to be unhappy with the efforts.
Is your daughter going to chase this or is she going to live her life?
As I mentioned earlier, trying to change someone will only end up in a fight.
If your daughter and her husband are ready for what will follow, then that's a choice they need to make, which is also fine.
All the best!
- You can post your relationship questions for rediffGURU Anu Krishna HERE
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