In Rediff's series on modern marriages, couples from across India discuss how they deal with differences of opinion, lifestyle preferences and personal choices.
Raj Thakur tells us how his relationship with his wife Mamta blossomed from friendship to marriage and the little secrets that have kept their relationship alive for nearly three decades.
Mamta used to live in the building next to mine.
I used to draw rangolis and would create beautiful rangolis in front of my house. She would come out to see them.
There is a 10-year age gap between us; I was 28 and she was 18. Initially, we were just friends. One day, she told me that one of her friends had gotten engaged; it was an arranged marriage. But, after the engagement, her friend's fiance had proposed to her.
So I asked her, "Will you marry me?"
It was just the two of us sitting there. When I proposed, she was shocked and ran away. I thought perhaps the way I had asked the question had made her uncomfortable. Maybe she had only ever seen me as a friend, so perhaps it was not possible.
I asked her if I had said something wrong and told her I was sorry. She did not reply. For a couple of days, she did not speak to me, so I thought, "Alright, let it go. Maybe she is not interested."
A few days later, four of her friends came to my house. Since there was a Sai Baba temple five minutes away from our home, I knew all her friends. They told me that she liked me too, but she was not saying it openly.
I replied, "Until I hear it from her, I will not believe it."
They wanted me to ask her again. "She is very interested," they insisted.
The next day, we decided to meet at the (Sanjay Gandhi) National Park (in Borivali, north west Mumbai) where she accepted my proposal. For a few days after that, we would exchange casual a "Hellos" or "Hi"; nothing more.
Since we belonged to different communities, her family did not accept our relationship. Eventually, on May 28, 1997, Mamta and I wed with the blessings of my family.
Post marriage, her parents cut all ties with her. She just completed Class 12 so I asked if she would like to continue her studies but she was not interested; she told me she wants to be a homemaker and work as well.
I had a store that I had rented out. I took the space back and opened a medical store named Srushti that was handled by Mamta. With her hard work and dedication, she turned it into a successful business.
A few years ago, Mamta encouraged me to pursue law and complete my degree. Today, I am a successful advocate because of her.
My sister, who was married, also stayed nearby; she would often come home. Mamta and she got along so well and spent so much time together that people thought they were sisters. We would even travel together.
Two years later after our wedding, our first child was born. Together, we have raised a beautiful son and daughter.
After marriage, I agree that a lot of changes happen. There are family restrictions and social restrictions and, because of this, many differences can come into personal relationships. But we have always kept our love above everything else.
That does not mean we ignore society, our families or our parents. But when it comes to the two of us, we want to preserve the love we had before marriage.
If she is in pain, I feel the pain first. If I am going through something difficult, she feels the pain first. That's how well we understand each other.
The love and affection we had in the beginning is intact even today. That longing to meet each other, that excitement and desire to be together -- it still remains for both of us.
To those who have opted for a love marriage, here's what I would like to say: Remember the love you had in the beginning -- that intense love, when you would do anything for the other person. And you could not bear to see tears in their eyes. Preserve that intensity in your relationship even after you get married.
The person you married is still the same person you fell in love with.
People often say that the more time you spend together, the more your love grows.
The secret to any happy relationship is how much you value and respect the person.
You have to set aside some time for each other every week. It is possible that you may have made a mistake, your partner may have made a mistake or something may have hurt either or both of you.
Spend 15 minutes together every week and talk openly. Whatever is in your heart, express it to your partner. At the same time, do also listen to what the other person has to say.
If you feel that you have made a mistake or hurt your partner even unintentionally, apologise sincerely. Make an effort to ensure that you do not hurt them again.
I would say the same thing to people in arranged marriages.
According to our Hindu traditions and beliefs, marriage is a bond in which a wife is considered your better half. You share half of your body, your mind and your life with your partner.
The same applies to a woman when she gets married. Fifty per cent of the relationship belongs to her and 50 per cent belongs to her partner. That balance should never be disturbed, not even by one per cent.
If there is mutual understanding between both people, there will be no scope for divorce.
There may be differences in thoughts, expectations and other aspects but if both people are willing to compromise a little, there will be no need to talk about divorce.
I would like to add one more thing. When you are in a relationship, society and family should not be allowed to create differences between the two of you.
Respect your parents. Respect society. But also respect your relationship.
After Covid, when Mamta lost her father, she reconciled with her family. That is when we realised how much we had let society dictate things for her.
We were told that her family did not want to be in touch, which was not the case. When Mamta reunited with her family, we realised that, sometimes, reaching out and talking to people can solve so many conflicts.
In any relationship, do not assume anything or rely on a third person for any information. Do not blindly follow rumours.
I would like to tell all men that when you marry a woman, her parents also become your parents. A woman considers her husband's parents to be her own family; a man should have similar feelings for his wife's family.
Mamta and I will always remain friends first, husband-wife later. That is probably the secret to our happiness.
Dear Reader, would you like to share your relationship challenges with us?
How is your marriage is different from your parents' marriage?
What are the challenges that you are facing that they never did? And how do you deal with them?
We hope this series will help other readers navigate their relationships.
Write to us at getahead@rediff.co.in (subject: Modern relationships).
Do let us know if you would like us to keep your name anonymous; we will do so.
