In Rediff's series on modern marriages, young couples from across India discuss how they deal with differences of opinion, lifestyle preferences and personal choices.
Here, *Meera tells Rishika Shah/Rediff how a relationship that seemed perfect from the outside turned into a marriage she walked away from within a year.
When I first met *Aditya, I thought I had found the kind of relationship people dream about. We dated for almost two years before getting married.
In the beginning, we were that couple everyone envied. We looked good together, got along effortlessly and were always together. Our families knew about us, liked each other and had already started imagining a future for us.
I thought I was going to marry my best friend. I didn't realise that I was also slowly getting used to things I should have never accepted.
It started with small things
About six or seven months into the relationship, Aditya's personality started changing. Or maybe I should say I started seeing the parts of it I hadn't noticed earlier.
He became extremely possessive. He would keep track of my Instagram followers. If my follower count increased by one, he'd ask, 'Who followed you?' If my following increased, he'd want to know whom I'd followed.
If I told him I was meeting my friends after work, he'd ask when the plan had been made. If I said it was decided the previous day but I'd only told him that morning, he'd get upset. 'Why didn't you tell me when the plan was made?'
It slowly started feeling like I had to report every detail of my life to him.
The rules were different for him. Aditya didn't like me spending time with male friends. I wasn't particularly jealous when he went out with his female friends. I trusted him and didn't see a problem with it. But the rules seemed to apply only to me.
He also had opinions about what I wore. There were clothes he was comfortable with me wearing when I was with him but not when I was going out without him.
And then there was something I never imagined would become an issue -- my brother-in-law. I have always shared a normal, sibling-like bond with my older sister's husband. We'd joke around at family gatherings and have conversations like any other brother and sister-in-law.
Aditya didn't like that either.
Looking back, I realise how unreasonable it was. At the time, I kept trying to convince myself that it came from insecurity.
'It will be different after marriage'
I did confront him. I told him his possessiveness was becoming too much. I told him I didn't like constantly sharing my location or feeling like I had to explain where I was and who I was with.
But Aditya always had an explanation. He told me he was insecure because of things that had happened in his past. He said our situation would be different once we were married.
'We're not even living together right now,' he'd tell me. 'Once we're married, you'll see. Things will change.'
I believed him.
I thought marriage would give him the security he seemed to be looking for.
In my head, I couldn't understand how someone could still feel insecure after marrying the person they loved. You're choosing each other. You're committing to each other. You're building a life together. Surely that would be enough.
I was wrong. The wedding didn't change him.
We had a lavish wedding. Our families were involved, everyone was happy and I genuinely believed I was starting a new chapter.
For the first few weeks, things were fine. Then the old patterns returned. Only now, we were married.
He still wanted my location, even when I was at work. He knew where I worked but that didn't stop him from asking where I was. He didn't like me going out with office colleagues after work.
At one point, he even suggested that I quit my job. He earned enough, he said. Why did I need to work?
But I knew that wasn't really about money. It was about control. The more independent I became, the more uncomfortable he seemed.
The family gathering that ended it
The final incident happened at a family event.
I was talking and joking with my brother-in-law, just as I always had. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate about the interaction. But Aditya suddenly confronted him in front of everyone. He told him to stay away from me.
I remember feeling humiliated. But more than that, I felt something inside me switch off. This was the same conversation we'd had throughout our relationship. The same insecurity. The same explanations. The same promise that things would change.
Except now we were married, living together and nothing had changed. If anything, it had become worse. I didn't want to wait for it to deteriorate even further.
That night, we had a conversation that lasted barely half an hour. I realised there was no new explanation left to hear. I had already given him opportunities to work on his insecurities. I had already communicated what was hurting me. And I had believed the promise that marriage would change things.
It didn't, so I decided to end the marriage. We divorced before we had even completed a year together.
People were shocked. Some couldn't understand how a relationship that had lasted two years before marriage could end so quickly. Others asked me why I hadn't tried harder. But I had. For much longer than I should have.
The only thing I regret
I don't regret walking away. What hurts me is thinking about how much my parents and family spent on the wedding. They gave us a beautiful celebration because they thought I was beginning a happy married life.
I sometimes feel guilty that everything ended so soon. But I remind myself that a wedding is one day. A marriage is supposed to be a lifetime.
If there is one thing I would tell someone in a relationship like mine, it is this: Don't marry someone hoping marriage will change them.
If someone is controlling before marriage, don't assume marriage will make them secure.
If someone doesn't respect your boundaries before marriage, don't assume a wedding will suddenly teach them to.
And if you are constantly making excuses for someone's behaviour because you believe they will be different once you are married, stop and ask yourself why you are accepting it now.
I kept thinking, 'Maybe once we're married.' I wish I'd listened to myself instead because marriage doesn't magically change someone's personality. If anything, the parts of a person you overlook before marriage can become much harder to ignore once you are living with them every day.
*Names changed to maintain privacy.
Dear Reader, would you like to share your relationship challenges with us?
How is your marriage is different from your parents' marriage?
What are the challenges that you are facing that they never did? And how do you deal with them?
We hope this series will help other readers navigate their relationships.
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