In Rediff's series on modern marriages, young couples from across India discuss how they deal with differences of opinion, lifestyle preferences and personal choices.
Here, *Riya tells us how a brief separation from her husband gave her clarity and encouraged her to make peace with her mother-in-law.
When I proposed to *Preet in college, he had only one condition -- we would live with his mother after marriage. He didn't even say "parents", he only mentioned his mother -- he was so particular. For him, his mother is his world.
Preet was born to his parents 14 years after their marriage. His mother had suffered three miscarriages and was 36 when she gave birth to him. According to Preet and his father, he is a miracle baby and his mom fought for him like a warrior.
Even when we were dating, Preet would often mention how his mother had quit her job and taken such good care of his father and his extended family.
He idolised his mother and dreamt that his life partner would be someone equally strong, kind and accommodating.
Since my father was in the Indian Navy, we have always moved cities and rarely had the opportunity to spend with our cousins or extended family.
Naturally, Preet and I had very different upbringings and life experiences.
I would often joke with my friends that Preet grew up watching Sooraj Barjatya's films.
I met Preet's mom for the first time on his 21st birthday. We were in our final year of college and Preet had invited me home along with some friends. He introduced me to his mom as his girlfriend. It was the best feeling in the world. I was blushing and we were holding hands in front of his parents.
Since I had been hearing so much about his mom from him, I had a certain mental impression about this incredible lady. But my first meeting was a complete shocker. I noticed that aunty gave me very cold, almost intimidating looks throughout the evening.
I tried to lighten the mood and joke with Preet about it but he warned me not to say anything negative about his mother. In fact, he defended her, saying she was busy overseeing his birthday preparations so I must have misunderstood her.
Though I knew I wasn't wrong about my first impression, I believed Preet and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I also felt a bit guilty so I apologised to him and told myself I would fix things with her.
I can't remember if it was his parents' wedding anniversary or his mom's birthday but I took her number from Preet and sent her some flowers along with a text message explaining how I would love to know her better.
I waited the whole day, hoping that she would respond or send a reply through Preet.
Nothing happened.
Honestly, I felt a little hurt. I had never ordered such expensive flowers even for my parents. I felt embarrassed for trying so hard to impress someone who was clearly not interested.
I didn't tell Preet because I didn't want to ruin his day. I also had a feeling that he would defend his mom.
My mom noticed that I was upset. When she asked me what happened, I hugged her and immediately, tears trickled down, which I tried to hide.
My mother figured that I am not someone who would easily cry over silly things. I told her how much Preet's mom mattered to him and our relationship.
She heard me out and asked if I still loved Preet and if I wanted to take the relationship forward. I told her how much I loved him and how much he loved me. She told me we were just in our 20s. She asked me to stay calm, be patient and not take rash decisions.
My younger sister, who overheard us talking, told me to immediately break up with Preet because, according to her, his mother was clearly being a vamp. And Preet should not have defended his mom since I was a guest.
I was very confused. At the same time, I was certain that his mother was not happy about our relationship.
None of this mattered to Preet. He treated me like I was already his family. We had our share of arguments and disagreements but somehow Preet would always find a way to get us back together.
After a lot of hiccups, we got married in 2017.
And just like my sister had predicted, Preet's mom made my life miserable.
She was not the traditional vamp you see in Ekta Kapoor's serials. She would casually introduce me to their family rituals and expect me to follow them. For example, on holidays and special occasions, I prefer waking up late and entering the kitchen in my shorts or pajamas. There would be guests at home so Preet's mom would expect me to wake up early, take a bath and participate in the festivities.
She would emotionally manipulate Preet into believing that I was not happy with him and his family.
Preet and I would argue over these little things. I never imagined fighting over trivial things like what would be on the menu for dinner. Like, if I wanted to eat pasta or Maggi for dinner, I would have to inform in advance because his mom felt I was disrespecting their food.
Once, I had a full-blown fight because I was eating poha on the sofa in the living room while watching a movie and his mother sent the maid to tell me not to eat in the living room. I found it very disrespectful and started eating food in our bedroom which annoyed her more.
Preet's mother would behave very approvingly when Preet was around, which initially confused me.
Once, Preet and I had a big fight. I accused him of blindly supporting his mother without understanding how I felt. He warned me not to speak ill about her. For the next few days, whenever Preet and I were in our bedroom, we would fight about his mother and he would simply walk away.
Every time he offered to talk about it, I would yell at him for being so defensive about her.
A few weeks later, Preet took up a job offer in Vietnam without informing me. I was furious. He changed his number. He wouldn't answer any of our calls. But he would reply to his mother's texts.
Preet told his parents that he didn't want to speak to anyone. He even deleted his social media.
I couldn't reach him. I didn't know what to do so my parents insisted that I move back to our home.
Emotionally, I was a wreck but I didn't let anyone find out. How could he just take up a job and go?
I could not focus at work but there was no way I could reach out to Preet. I even sent him several e-mails. I got no response.
Looking back, I feel it was the worst phase of our lives.
I felt so miserable. His mother tried reaching out to me but I was too angry to reconcile with her. I told her my relationship was only with Preet.
Since I was in good terms with my father-in-law, he remained in touch with me.
Once, we met at a cafe outside my office and he explained that this separation and ego battle would only ruin our lives. Whenever we met or spoke, he would ask if I still loved Preet. I would say yes.
A week before our first anniversary, Preet's father booked a ticket to Vietnam -- I already had a visa -- and told me strictly that I should return to India only after I had a clear answer about our relationship.
Preet did not know I was coming.
On the flight to Vietnam, I had rehearsed so many different scenarios in my head. I wanted to blame him and his mother for what happened between us. I even told myself that if he didn't agree to meet me, I would go ahead and ask for a divorce.
But when I walked into his office and he saw me, everything melted. I forgot what we had fought about. That moment, I realised what I really wanted. I was willing to sort everything just to spend my life with Preet. We told each other how much we had missed each other.
The same night, Preet and I decided to go on a honeymoon to bring in our wedding anniversary. We flew to Turkey and had the best holiday.
The first two days, we just slept through the day. That was when we realised how stressed both of us had been over the last couple of months.
We were like two college friends on a holiday. We simply talked, ate and slept. We promised each other not to let anyone or anything come between us.
Preet also admitted that he was too consumed by his affection for his mother that he could not see how it was hurting me.
Our parents were the happiest to see us reconcile. My sister was overjoyed too.
Preet and I have been married for nine years. We don't have kids yet and we don't plan to.
We are very clear: If we want to be happy together, we need to work together as a team. We don't need to necessarily agree on everything but there are certain decisions that we know will affect both of us, so those cannot be overlooked.
Making peace with his mother was top priority. I learned to forgive and accept my mother-in-law because I had realised that if I want Preet to be happy, I can't do it without his mother.
His mother also accepted that her son had chosen me as his life partner so we had to find a way to make this relationship work.
Even the decision to not have children was taken by mutual consent.
Today, whenever I am at a crossroads, I consult my father-in-law. He always has the best advice -- be it friends, work or relationships.
When I fight with Preet, my father-in-law will always ask: "Do you still love him?" If the answer is yes, he says, "Agar pyaar hai, toh phir jitna marzi lado, chalta hai. Pyaar kam nahi hona chahiye (If you truly love each other, you can fight as much as you want. But your love for each other should remain strong)."
When I don't like something my mother-in-law says or does, he asks me two things: "Will this be important tomorrow morning?" and "Do you want me to talk to her about this?"
I also want to tell you about this beautiful ritual we practise at Preet's home.
When people ask me how Preet is so calm and positive, I tell them this story. When Preet or I come home stressed about something, his parents would always tell us to finish the bickering before dinner time.
They both believe that having dinner together solves everything.
In our family, the dinner table is very sacred (which explains why his mother was so particular about all of us sharing a meal and eating together as a family). I understand it better now.
None of us are allowed to gossip or complain at the dinner table. So our energy naturally shifts at the table. We only talk about the good and positive things. I realised that makes such a huge difference.
Sometimes we have guests, friends or cousins. We laugh, talk and share our stories.
After dinner, we all feel relaxed and lighter.
Whether you have a dinner table or not, it's a beautiful habit I learned after my marriage and I feel everyone should try it.
*Names changed to protect privacy
