'Loneliness Is An Epidemic'

Loneliness can engulf people at different stages in their lives.
Weighing in on their lonely state of mind are three people -- a soul-searching Gen Z stage actress, Malikka Advani; a beleaguered big-tech employee in his 40s, Vinod Patel; and a confidence-exuding business writer, Maya Lalchandani -- who reveal the different methods they employ to tackle this emotion.

One of the biggest ironies of our digitally interconnected age is that while social media, dating sites and video phones have crushed geographical and societal boundaries between people, there are multitudes who still feel lonely, isolated and alienated from the mainstream.

When theatre artiste Malikka Advani left Mumbai to study in New York, her excitement proved short-lived. She was beset with acute loneliness, stemming from the feeling that "there is absolutely no one here to look out for me".

She shudders, "I was in a completely new city trying to adapt to a completely new culture. It was a very scary feeling till I gradually found my community. Then, things improved. Till that happened, it was a very difficult period in my life."

*Vinod Patel acknowledges that loneliness is his constant state of mind. The data analyst has struggled with acute loneliness earlier as well.

"As an introvert," he reveals, "I have felt lonely even in crowds. When I was divorced and single, seeing everyone around happily married, especially at social interactions, made me feel particularly lonely."

Even though he is remarried now, Vinod says he feels lonely when he meets friends from school or college because "I realise I have very few friends currently and very little time to indulge even those."

"As the sole earning member in my family, I have to stick to my mundane job and work long hours to provide for my parents, wife and two children."

IMAGE: Maya Lalchandani. Photograph: Kind courtesy Maya Lalchandani

Maya Lalchandani, an impeccably turned out business writer, is sharply observant of her environs.

"I most definitely feel that people today are lonelier than the earlier generation," she says. "The simple truth is: Our expectations from people have risen and they often go unmet. Consequently, we feel let down."

Maya introspects, "I do not really feel lonely or think about it...I rarely go down that rabbit hole.

"I am basically an introvert; all the shyness from childhood has not really disappeared.

"I grew up a loner but now I am an ambivert (a person whose personality falls squarely in the middle of the introvert-extrovert spectrum). I can easily talk nineteen to the dozen with people I am comfortable with.

"I'm not blaming anyone here but while growing up we were not made aware of how relationships work and how to be less vulnerable in situations and learn to be among people. The new generation should be taught these people skills," Maya emphasises.

"We were indulged and allowed to be individuals surviving in our own spaces. Habits and conditioning are hard to get rid of so I do retreat into solitude ever so often out of choice."

The psychiatrist's concerns

IMAGE: Rhea Shahani. Photograph: Kind courtesy Rhea Shahani

Emphasising the importance of addressing loneliness, Rhea Shahani, founder of the Flute and Dice mental health clinic at Powai, northeast Mumbai, warns, "Loneliness is an epidemic. It's not just a personal feeling; it's a public health issue."

Rhea, who has an MSc in psychology from Nottingham Trent University -- she is trained in cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy as well -- and worked as a mental health consultant at the World Health Organisation, adds, "I see more clients today who talk about feeling disconnected."

"It's not just physical isolation anymore, it's emotional. Many people have relationships but still don't feel seen or understood. People are also constantly connected online yet feel more emotionally isolated than ever."

Dismissing the idea that introverts are more susceptible to loneliness, Rhea asserts, "Introverts may withdraw when overwhelmed but extroverts too can feel lonely if their social connections lack emotional depth.

"The human brain is wired for connection and when that need isn’t met, it triggers the same threat circuits that respond to physical pain.

"Loneliness reshapes our mood, sleep, hormones and even immunity. Chronic loneliness affects both mental and physical health."

Techniques to counter loneliness

What is the coping mechanism that Malikka and Vinod have found?

How does Maya ensure her emotional state remains at even keel?

Malikka reveals, "When I was depressed, I felt extremely frustrated that no one truly saw me for who I was. But now I'm completely fine and look forward to being with myself: I journal, paint, read, watch TV and listen to music all on my own and I absolutely love it!"

Time proved to be Malikka's aide in warding off loneliness.

"After a few months of feeling lost in New York, I made friends and fell in love with the city. Back in India, I'm very well connected with my friends and family. With social media, it's become so easy to create group chats and stay in touch."

But Malikka, who says she likes to be texted before being called, insists on drawing boundaries.

While accepting that technology is truly magical, she is also concerned. "Social media connects me to friends in New York, Canada, Dubai, Amsterdam," she says, "but I sometimes also catch myself comparing my life to others on Instagram. I'm able to manage it but that's a real challenge my generation has to face."

"Moreover, there's an expectation to always be available online. But not being in touch all the time doesn't mean you're lonely. Meaningful conversations can happen with close friends over the phone."

Vinod is also of the belief that "deep conversations are possible on social media, even between people across different geographies. WhatsApp, LinkedIn, X, Facebook are my crutches."

He admits he would like to emulate his father who has morning tea with his neighbour every day but has realised that his own friends are more often available to meet virtually, not personally.

He does make an effort though to maintain his network of friends and cousins.

The techie is pragmatic about his options. He says, "My remedy for loneliness is to embrace the fact that life is uncertain. My therapy is writing, art, listening to songs and browsing nostalgic photos."

Radiating self-assurance, Maya confidently states, "I don't suffer from FOMO (the fear of missing out); I have JOMO (the joy of missing out). I make excuses not to be in a crowd. I am happy to be excluded."

"I like to meet friends once a week/fortnight but not every day. I actually have a day assigned for friends when I reach out and make the choice of who I would call and ask to meet.

"Relatives, I meet by choice. I avoid the ones that judge. I stay away from certain triggers -- like people who make me feel less."

Maya has worked out how to keep the ogre of loneliness at bay. "I read, write and my work keeps me very grounded.

"I have been travelling solo for 25 years and love it. I panic at the thought of having to keep somebody else company.

"I like my own company. I would not trade that for anything in the world.

"Also, I feel that it helps to be able to reach out to that one person I have when I am vulnerable. Everybody should have a confidant; it's healthy. Or one can seek therapy."

Rhea, the psychiatrist, is very encouraging about the efforts employed by Maya, Mallika and Vinod.

"Therapy, group activities, or volunteering help because they bring shared purpose and that's where genuine connection grows. We need spaces that make real interaction easier, like local meet-ups, mental health workshops, community art and fitness groups... When we normalise talking about loneliness, people stop feeling ashamed for needing connection."

Deliberating on whether the hyperconnected world of social media helps people or alienates them further, Rhea shares, "It helps when people use it for genuine interaction and staying in touch. But when it becomes a space for comparison or passive scrolling, it deepens loneliness."

Advocating spending time with oneself, Rhea says, "We have grown so used to stimulation that stillness feels uncomfortable. Spending time alone helps you reconnect with your thoughts and needs. Start small, like short walks without your phone, eating a meal quietly or journalling. You build tolerance for solitude over time and it turns into peace, not emptiness."

There is, indeed, no need to pathologise being alone. Maya vociferously endorses this, quoting noted philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer's statement: 'A man can be himself only so long as he is alone.'

She goes on to elaborate, "Being alone is a space needed to reset and recoup. Most times, I am enough for myself. For me 'loneliness' feels empty but being 'alone' is welcome."

Malikka too had a God moment when she says she realised that "loving yourself is the remedy to loneliness. If you don't like yourself, if you're not satisfied with your own company, then you'll always be lonely."

*Name has been changed to protect his privacy.