'Many relationships break down because people are unable to honestly express what they feel. If someone cannot tell their family they do not want to go ahead with a marriage, the consequences can affect not only them but everyone involved.'
Marriage today is no longer about finding the right person.
It involves having several difficult and uncomfortable conversations around trust, emotional safety, expectations and personal boundaries.
According to Relationship and Dating Coach Ravi Mittal, CEO of Quack Quack, an online dating web site and Rebounce, a matrimony platform, there may be many reasons why young couples are currently struggling with relationships and commitment issues.
"Expectations have gone up. Compatibility is a deal breaker. Young couples today are comparing their lives -- how you lived so far vs how you're going to live. The threshold of tolerance has reduced," Mittal tells Rediff's Divya Nair.
With a rise in incidents of betrayal, manipulation and violence, it has become important for couples and parents to understand certain red flags and toxic behaviour traits.
Pay attention to small details
In the beginning, it is rarely the big things, says Kanchan Rai, mind coach and founder of Let Us Talk Foundation. "It's the small moments that quietly tell you who someone is.
"Pay attention to how they respond when things don't go their way.
"Can they hear NO without becoming angry? Can they disagree without becoming disrespectful? Can they apologise without immediately defending themselves?
"Notice how they treat people who have nothing to offer them -- the waiter, the driver, the domestic staff, their parents, your family. Kindness that depends on convenience isn't kindness; it's good behaviour," says Rai.
Controlling behaviour is a red flag
According to Image Consultant and Relationship Expert Archana Deshpande, one of the biggest red flags in both arranged and love marriages is controlling behaviour.
"People often mistake control for love or care. They think, 'He is just caring for me,' or 'She is looking out for me.' But whenever there is an attempt to control you, pause and ask yourself: Where is this coming from? Is it happening repeatedly? No individual should try to control another person. It is something you should never ignore."
Trust your gut and inner voice
When they are in a new relationship, Rai encourages young people to trust their gut.
"Ask yourself how you feel after spending time with them.
"Do you feel lighter or emotionally exhausted?
"Do you feel accepted or constantly judged?
"Do you feel you can be yourself or are you carefully choosing every word because you don't want to upset them? Sometimes your nervous system notices what your heart doesn't want to accept," Rai cautions.
Holding grudges, a lack of forgiveness is not healthy
A healthy relationship is built on genuineness, forgiveness and mutual respect, says Archana Deshpande.
"In an unhealthy relationship, the partner usually keeps a score of your past mistakes and often revisits them to make you feel accountable and guilty," observes Ravi Mittal.
"If both partners are genuine, they forgive each other easily and do not hold grudges," says Deshpande.
"In any relationship moving towards marriage, there should be plenty of forgiveness and tolerance. Unfortunately, many people normalise unhealthy behaviour instead of recognising it as a warning sign."
She cautions against staying in such a relationship simply because of the fear of being alone.
"As people grow older, they sometimes feel the need to hold on to a relationship at any cost, forgetting that it is better to walk away from the wrong person than stay in an unhealthy relationship."
Safe and healthy communication begins at home
Deshpande believes communication is one of the most important life skills, especially before marriage.
"Many relationships break down because people are unable to honestly express what they feel. If someone cannot tell their family they do not want to go ahead with a marriage, the consequences can affect not only them but everyone involved."
She adds that parents play an equally important role in creating a safe environment for open conversations.
"Parents are authority figures and children naturally trust them because they have more life experience. But families need to create an environment where children feel safe expressing their views without fear."
According to her, family dynamics shape future relationships.
"If parents have a loving, respectful relationship and communicate well, children are more likely to develop similar relationship skills. Healthy boundaries, open conversations and the ability to say 'no' are all learned at home."
"Honest communication and conversations," Mittal adds, "play a major role in understanding, preparing for, and resolving conflicts as well."
Know yourself before choosing a partner
Self-awareness is one of the first exercises Archana Deshpande recommends to her clients.
"Sit down and write what you are looking for in a partner. Are you looking for kindness, love, shared interests or emotional compatibility?"
She reminds couples that marriage is far more than a practical arrangement.
"Marriage is not a transaction or a corporate contract. It involves your heart, mind and body. The more self-aware you are, the easier it becomes to choose someone who is truly compatible with you."
While opposites may initially attract, Deshpande believes long-term marriages need compatibility, shared values, commitment, compromise and a willingness to find win-win solutions.
"Both partners should put in equal effort because a healthy relationship can never be one-sided," Deshpande insists.
The must-have conversations
Archana Deshpande encourages all couples to set aside time to ask and discuss a few uncomfortable but essential topics before getting married, including:
- Money and financial planning: Discuss how daily and future expenses and debt will be shared
- Career plans after marriage: Will both partners continue working after marriage/having children?
- Childcare responsibilities and support systems: Who will take care of the child? If both parents are working, how will responsibilities be shared? Discuss parental leave, grandparents/nanny support.
- Lifestyle expectations: Discuss the kind of life you want to build together as a couple -- the spending habits, travel, ambitions, hobbies, long-term goals...
- Household responsibilities: Who will cook, clean, pay bills, share chores?
- Following traditions, rituals and relationships with both families: Will you be staying together with your families? How will you manage expectations around festivals, special events, caregiving responsibilities?
"Many conflicts arise later because couples assume these issues will sort themselves out. They need to be on the same page before getting married," she explains.
Reality over romance
Whether you are dating someone, planning to move in or get married, Kanchan Rai urges young people to ask each other the questions that aren't romantic, but real, like:
- How do you handle anger?
- What does respect mean to you?
- How do you deal with disappointment?
- What did you learn about relationships growing up?
- When we get married or have kids, how involved will our families be?
- If one of us is struggling emotionally, what would support look like?
The most important question Rai wants couples to ask is: 'When we're hurt by each other, will we become opponents or will we remain partners trying to solve the problem together?'
The answers, she says, matter far more than having the 'right' answers. "What you're looking for is honesty, self-awareness and a willingness to grow."
Red flags that should never be ignored
There are several kinds of behaviour that deserve immediate attention before marriage. Deshpande highlights a few of them below:
- Controlling behaviour that starts with seemingly harmless comments about what to wear or how to behave.
- Disrespect in any form.
- Consistent disinterest in your thoughts, feelings or conversations.
- Excessive attention that may actually be obsession rather than love.
- Constant interference from parents, siblings or friends in resolving relationship issues.
- Avoiding quality time together by always choosing friends or group activities over each other.
"These signs may appear small individually, but together they can point to deeper issues that should not be overlooked."
Spend enough time together before marriage
Mittal strongly recommends that couples must travel together before getting married to better understand each other's personalities.
"In the dating phase, people tend to put their best foot forward. But after the third or fourth date, the daily conversations and choices you make begin to reveal each other's true personalities."
He also believes early disagreements are valuable because they reveal true compatibility.
"Early conflicts can help you understand the threshold of what and how much you can bear about the other person. For example, 'Is the person patient or hot-tempered?' 'Does the person want to live separately or with in-laws?' 'During disagreements, how will the couple shield each other from their parents?"
Be alert always
Mittal advises both men and women to remain observant instead of allowing emotions to cloud their judgment.
"Keep your eyes and ears open. It is very easy to get blinded in love. Most Indian families are still orthodox in the way they look at marriage and relationships. The challenge is not so much about getting into a relationship as it is about getting out of the wrong one in time. Divorce is a hard battle. It is better to discuss your expectations and priorities in advance."
Rai agrees with Mittal about prioritising self and safety first.
If you're marrying someone you don't know very well, how do you protect yourself?
In her advice to young people, Rai emphasises, "Don't rush emotional trust.
"Meet in different settings. See each other when life isn't perfect. Watch how they behave when they're tired, frustrated, criticised or disappointed. Anyone can be their best self when everything is going well. True character reveals itself when life doesn't," she says.
Even after taking all the necessary precautions, there is no guarantee and Life may surprise you.
Rai has this simple advice to help you cope after marriage: "Even after marriage, don't lose yourself. Keep your friendships. Stay financially aware. Continue doing the things that make you feel like you. A healthy marriage doesn't require you to disappear."
