'My Wife Regrets She Married Me'

Right now, the most important thing is clarity -- for you and for your spouse, advises rediffGURU Kanchan Rai.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone.

After spending several years together, living under the same roof, it is normal for husbands and wives to feel distant in a marriage.

But what if you suspect that your spouse is being unfaithful?

Or that she/he is hiding something from you?

rediffGURU Kanchan Rai, founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, counsels how to approach the situation without hurting anyone's sentiments.

• You can post your relationship-related questions HERE.

Anonymous: I am a 43-year-old married man in an arranged marriage. I have been married for the past 13 years and have four kids aged two, three, 10 and 13.
I work abroad with a good salary package and live with my family. My wife has an MSc degree and is a homemaker. She teaches the kids, cooks and takes good care of them.
I am an academic research scholar. From the start of our marriage, I noticed that my wife does not open up much and is a moderately religious person.
After coming back from the office, I help her in the kitchen daily, look after the kids, help them with math, clean the house and put the youngest child to sleep.
After that, I get some 'me time', which happens only after 11.30 pm at night.
I do not use my phone until everybody is asleep and my kids do not allow me to use my phone while I am playing with them.
Sometimes I feel that my wife and I are just roommates, with sex only once or twice a month.
In terms of love, I always initiate it with my wife; she never expresses love on her own. I am not a very possessive person.
She does not show any interest in my work and never asks me how my day was, etc. She mostly smiles and rarely laughs.
I thought maybe things would improve with time.
There is no money issue. She buys whatever she likes, has her own card and I provide extra money whenever she asks.
I assumed maybe she did not like me from the beginning but stayed in the marriage due to family pressure and the kids.
I am an average-looking person and do not accept everything she says in terms of investments, holidays, etc. I had accepted my fate.
She started doing book writing and publishing online and is now earning and keeping a separate account. She is very excited about it, feels happy and shares the publication details with me but not the earnings. I give suggestions and money whenever she asks for marketing and promotion, etc. I am happy for her.
Recently, I came across an e-mail on her phone from her ex. There was a long deleted chat. In summary, they were madly in love but could not get married.
I do not know the reason and she never spoke about him. They kept chatting even after our marriage.
Her ex got married and later divorced and has one grown-up kid. He is single and works abroad in a different country with a good salary package (maybe better than mine).
She e-mailed him after a long time, I guess, but now she is secretly chatting with him very often.
She keeps her phone locked and deletes the chats. He is also interested and is asking her to leave and marry him.
She is not saying yes to him but she regrets that she married me. At this point, I do not know if I should talk to her about this but she will definitely be upset to know that I checked her phone.
A few years ago, we had a major fight (at that time, I did not know about her ex). I had proposed divorce and suggested settling it mutually if she was not happy with me but she denied it and stayed. I do not know what I should do to make her happy.
We both are from very respected families in society and I do not know if her parents know about her affair.
Even though she is chatting with him, she behaves very normally with me -- no fights, no arguments -- as if nothing is happening.
I do not know what is in her mind. Is she just casually chatting with him or buying time and waiting for the right moment to leave?
Should I file for divorce or accept my fate as roommates? Am I worrying too much?

First, let me say this clearly: You are not worrying 'too much'. Your concerns are valid.

When emotional connection, affection and curiosity about each other's inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust.

The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication and expressing regret about marrying you -- even if not directly to your face -- is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn't automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.

At the same time, it's important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation.

Right now, the most important thing is clarity -- for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation or routine.

If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone.

Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: You've been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you're always the one initiating closeness and recently you've felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life.

You don't need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.

Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you.

A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal -- but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimises your feelings or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.

It's also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: Your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship.

Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behaviour but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.

Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counselling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs.

A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.

As for 'accepting your fate,' I want to be very clear: Accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure.

Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure but from adults who model honesty, self-respect and emotional responsibility.

You don't have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone.

The next step is not divorce or resignation; it's an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth.

From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it's difficult.

• You can post your relationship-related questions HERE.

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