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Valentine's Day is just around the corner and couples are busy making plans for the big day. But the big question is: how do you identify true love as opposed to say attraction or infatuation?

The three-meeting logic

Some folks who have been successful in the quest for love, feel it takes time to grow. 25-year-old Wolverine (pen name), who works with Jet Airways in Mumbai, knew within three meetings. He shares his three-meeting logic with us.

~ First meeting: If she captures your imagination, then whether the woman is mysterious, elusive or too talkative, you are fascinated, and you are at your congenial best. However, during the first interaction, you can't make out what's on her mind.

~ Second meeting: She wants to meet you again which means she wants to know more about you. Suddenly she is more interesting than PlayStation 2. She's usually with a friend, who is giving you the third degree. Patience! You end up talking more to the friend more than the potential girlfriend. That's why you need a third meeting.

~ Third meeting: She's alone now (finally) and wants to know you, the person (which she never got to do in meeting two, thanks to her friend). Post a lot of smiles and blushes, you realise that love has struck. But nothing serious is discussed, yet.

A million phone calls and gazillion text messages (exchanged in the next 15-20 days) later, the bond is made official. And you finally conclude, "Love at first sight just doesn't work."

Attraction at first sight?

According to Amit Jain* from Bangalore, who works for SAP Labs, the first step is always physical attraction. "It's what makes it different from a mere friendship. Love is a combination of physical attraction and a deep friendship," he philosophises.

"Chemistry is very critical," says 19-year-old Shweta Mahajan, a collegian from Pune. "Or else you might as well be just friends." She hasn't yet found the love of her life, but she is looking out. "Most of my friends, who are in relationships, believe they have found true love. I think differently. For me, it has to be all or nothing. And I am sure I shall find it soon," she adds.

For the young, it could be the optimism, which comes with age that helps them in their quest for love. Most of them seem to believe in love. Yet, as one climbs the ladder of age and thwarted relationships, could one get disillusioned? Not all, says 39-year-old Ashish Sharma from Hyderabad. Ashish works for an insurance company and is single. "I've had my share of disappointments. I have known love rather intimately. But somehow I have not had a sustainable relationship so far. But I am ever hopeful."

The first thing that attracts him: a smile. However, all smiles haven't worked for him. "There needs to be a genuine feeling and affection in that smile. Physical attraction is important too but it is not the most important thing. The minds have to connect. There needs to be true caring and affection, " he adds.

Love versus loving

Newly wed Sandra D'souza says, "Beyond a point, you need security and love. Actually, love is security. I've had a late marriage but I find myself fortunate for that. I am more analytical and there are very few expectations. Sometimes, just the knowledge that there is someone there for you is enough."

Most people love to talk about love. And many feel they are experts on true love. "I know friends for whom love at first sight has worked," says Mansi Pradhan, 28, software professional from Chennai. "But for most it has been a journey. An arduous one at that. Initially you be physically attracted. But true love begins much later." According to her, when people share their joys, and especially their pain, that's when love actually develops.

Can one do without love? Reactions to this question vary from the idealistic to the skeptical. "Love is rubbish," says Supriya Baikerikar, a young entrepreneur having her own design company in Mumbai. On second thought, she adds, "You know you love someone when you can do anything for that person; most importantly, overlook his faults, forgive his biggest mistakes. And you do that without any regret."

According to her, love hurts. "You are human, you will feel hurt. But while you are doing all the things you are doing for the person, you feel happy and that's true love," she adds.

So, is it possible to have a relationship without love? "To begin with, yes," says Maya Puranik, a home-maker from Pune. "I've had an arranged marriage. We barely knew each other when we got married. I had to make a lot of adjustments to my lifestyle. I may have resented it in the beginning, but eventually it all fell into place."

Maya says that for the relationship to sustain, though, basic caring and loving has to play a very important role. "Frankly, I do not know if this is love, but me and my husband have grown to care about each other a lot," she says with a bright smile on her face. "We depend on each other and can't do without each other. If that is love then it is nice to be loved."

Love meter

And finally, how do you know that you love someone or that someone loves you? Here are a few tips:

The partner's best at heart

People in love will tend to think of the other person's wishes. They will do things that will help the other person grow professionally, emotionally, and even financially. The bottom line -- people in love will have their partner's best at heart.

Laws of attraction

You need to like the way the person naturally looks and behaves, the way he or she smells, tastes, sounds or feels etc.

Be honest and try to find out with your attraction is merely physical, mental, or a blend of both. A good test of that is to check how many hours you spend talking and how many hours you spend in the physical aspect.

Also, ask yourself how many times do you laugh together? What sort of conversations you have? Do you do fun things together? And most importantly, do you enjoy each other's silences?

Making-up after fights

Is there a lot of fun or mush when you are making up after a fight? While fights form an integral part of a relationship, they can be an indicator of the depth of the relationship too. It would be worth finding out how important it is for any one of you to make up after a fight. Any one of the partners can take the onus to end the fight.

What's your take on love?

* Name changed to protect identity

Text: Shilpa Shet

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