PERSONALITY
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Kamala Das

To tame a society

If you are new to a city or a locality, all you have to do to gain immediate acceptance is employ half-a-dozen servants. They will perfect your publicity machinery and save you from the unnecessary humiliations an outsider normally faces in an unfamiliar society.

To transform your domestic staff into excellent publicists, you will have to spend a sizeable amount of money, initially. The maids will have to be provided with the dazzling clothes that form the hallmark of respectability among domestic workers. The shinier the better. You can subtly encourage them to visits places of worship where people congregate. They will speak well of your generosity to their acquaintances.

Cutting an occasional joke with your male cook, steward or gardener might give them a good opinion about you. Humour them by offering a cigarette or a bottle of beer, left opened in the fridge. Discuss politics with the gardener. Discuss economics and the fall of the rupee with your cook. Prove yourself to be a jolly good fellow. Very soon the reputation will spread and you will be requested to stand for the Panchayat elections. Desiccated politicians will promise to help you in your election campaign.

Anyone can employ servants. But only a high IQ will aid you in finding ways to utilise their services most beneficially. It is not enough to make them cook your meals, wash your clothes clean your rooms or mow your lawns. They must broadcast your virtues and achievements, sing your praise and vouch for your authenticity.

Servants are not burdened with high education. So they are not expected to tell lies. At the beginning of your stay in a particular place, you are going to be under scrutiny. Drunken behaviour or violence must be zealously avoided. Flirting with the neighbour's wife or daughter is strictly taboo among the middle classes. Greeting them by their first names should be avoided in the first few weeks.

Your servants' acquaintances are likely to flock to you for monetary help. Order cups of tea and speak with sympathy. Never give any money to those who come with tales of woe, unless you wish to see them again and again.

Politeness pays. I would place it next to Godliness, whatever Godliness means.

Illustration: Dominic Xavier