I’m bored. Life sucks. I want my mommy: On days like these, that’s pretty much what I keep
muttering to myself.
Is there life after death? Am I the only lonely soul in the country at this hour? Would I have felt
better if I were born a woman? Is there some way of convincing the government to ban television and
legalise gambling?
But that was then.
Nowadays, I just take my bad mood with me when I log on, and surf till I find something interesting
enough to waste some time on. There’s ComputerPranks for
one, which I use to get back at annoying family members viz. my kid brother. It’s got loads of
downloadable pranks for DOS, Macintosh and Windows platforms, including keyboard pranks,
mouse, sound, screen and miscellaneous pranks.
My favourite is a mouse prank called The Finger. A quick download and install makes it change any
cursor to a hand with the middle finger up and then back to the normal cursor again. It shocked an
uncle of mine once, who thought the PC was trying to tell him something and started being really
nice to his kids from that day.
Then there’s the Button-Shy Mouse, a program that causes the mouse to jump away from almost
all buttons, including the Start menu. Screen pranks like CrazyIcons where desktop icons will shoot
across the desktop, a Fake Start Menu 95 that refuses to respond to anything, and even an
Open-Close CD prank that, well, causes your CD-Rom drive tray to open and close with a will all its
own.
If someone plays one on you though, get nasty. I tried eNastyLetter once, a letter-writing consulting service for those who can’t write nasty letters themselves. However,
at its $25.00 for a page letter without research, and $50.00 for letters with some research involved, I
thought I’d just write my own nasty letters. Not as effective maybe, but still free.
Speaking of nasty, have you ever thought of quitting your day job, giving your boss the boot, and
taking up a life of crime? Good. Because now there’s a place that lets you examine the pros and
cons of this move -- a home page of the Big D, Dawood Ibrahim. It’s unofficial, really, and more of a tribute to "a big criminal
king of twentieth century who is the modern time Ashoka the great." Whatever that means. It also
tells you that if you don’t like crime, you are free to visit the Mumbai Police website, for which a link
is provided.
While you scratch your chin and ponder this, the site promises to add free ‘Dhamki Cards’ too, just
in case.
I am not a violent person by nature, but I sure am insensitive, which is why I love sending YPL
Insensitivity Cards -- a free, wide selection that allows
one to mock unhappy circumstances, embarrassing failures, and painful experiences. Where else
can you send someone ecards with titles like ‘So you finally got your dumb ass fired,’ or ‘Thank
god you’re not pregnant,’ and ‘I’m sure you’ll get parole next time’??
One more site for things to do or, rather, Bizarre Stuff You Can Make in Your Kitchen. It’s a warped ‘semi-scientific’ cookbook of tricks,
gimmicks, and pointless experiments using stuff found around the house. Create wonders like
dancing raisins, stupid egg tricks, solar ovens, cloud chambers and fake glass. Just make sure you
do it when your mom’s not home.
Okay, enough of this almost-sensible stuff.
Let’s say that, like me, you really have nothing to do with your life. Why not visit The WebToilet for over 250 fascinating, icon-sized toilet pictures?
Or try Guido’s Atomic page that shows you How to Make a Nuclear Bomb? You could also learn How To Drive Like A Moron
and if you have all the time -- and I mean ALL the time in the
world --even watch The Corn Cam that documents
growth in an Iowa corn field every 15 minutes.
My personal favourite is A GadZillion Things To Think About where over 8080 questions make you think
about stuff you wouldn’t normally think about if you had a life to begin with.
The questions cover over 280 topics, from advertising and food, to people, animals, government,
philosophy, habits, health, etc. you can expect gems like ‘Is it true that women who desire to be
like men lack ambition?’ Or, ‘What if life is a joke and we don't get it?’ Lastly, the one that makes
most sense to me right now: ‘Why do people long for eternal life when they don't even know what to
do on a rainy Sunday afternoon?’
Send me your replies to that one. That way I may actually find something to do..
The drama continues.
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