Mr. Nice Guy. That's me. If it's practical knowledge, words of wisdom, or just good old-fashioned advice you want, I'm your guy. Pooja's trying to get over a relationship? I gift her a dog. Sunil can't get a date to his college prom? I send him deodorant. Shekhar just bought a new motorbike? I send his mother a greeting card with my sympathies.
That's the kind of guy I am; always ready to do my good Samaritan bit.
It's this desire to help one and all that first prompted me to try and help our celebrities too. To give credit where it's due, if it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have much to gossip or laugh about, would we? And what better way to do so, I thought, than by sending them URLs to sites that could lead to life-changing experiences?
I decided to start with our Cricketer of the Year, Mohammed Azharruddin. The perfect site for him? Bookies Café. Now being serviced by Oasis Casino, those with the moolah can either call or email Customer Service to arrange for a new account number. And hey, if he doesn't have the moolah, who does?
Next on my list is the younger player -- pun unintended - Ajay Jadeja, for whom I recommend Frugal Living. What with income from cricket and endorsements running dry, this young stalwart may need all the tips he can get.
For the dude at the top of the heap, Jaywant Lele, there's A Spell to Remove Your Foot From Your Mouth. It involves the use of everything from a puppet stuffed with sage, to rosemary, rue, and a ring of candles. And considering it will probably be BCCI funded, who cares about the cost, huh?
Leaving aside the big, bad world of cricket, I opt for something worse: politics. Suave man about town, Laloo Prasad Yadav, along with wife Rabri Devi, should check out India Parenting for tips on how to bring up nine kids.
As for our own PM, Some Tricks to Stay Awake can get Mr Vajpayee through those long hours of debate in Parliament. The other prime minister -- or ex-PM, rather -- from Pakistan, Nawaz Shareif, could try the Saudi Online Tourism Section for ideas on how to spend his new found time in 'exile'.
Moving on to other fields, and other celebrities, Mamta Kulkarni can thank me for directing her to this list of acting schools, courses and training classes online. Why, you ask? Isn't it obvious?
Salman Khan is a man with options. He can either check out Keep Your Shirt On, or go on an online safari at Serengeti Park with buddies Saif Ali Khan and Sonali Bendre.
For M F Hussain, I can only suggest the official Oscars Web site. He may as well check out the proceedings online because, after Gaja Gamini, the chances of him ever being invited there are bleak, to say the least.
Our current Miss World Priyanka Chopra could read this biography on Mother Teresa. It may finally dawn on her that the Mother is no longer with us.
Veerappan? Moustache Care, obviously. With all those TV cameras around, he's gotta keep those whiskers glistening.
On to Television, and a question of ten crore. Anupam Kher would do well to check out TVMuse, for much-needed inspiration on how to anchor Televsion shows, while Manisha Koirala could look up CroreMaster. God knows, the virtual Amitabh clone there does a better job than she does in real life.
Speaking of the Big B, he should try the Sanskrit Documents List for relevant information on how to go about reciting shlokas in the traditional manner. That way, he'll make sure his shoes aren't on the next time he needs to recite the Gayatri mantra.
Going global now, the only names I can think of are Gore and Bush. I have to admit though, they've both got me stumped. I mean, what can you tell a guy who says things like "A zebra does not change its spots." More such interesting and cerebral quotes, along with their sources, can be found at this Al Gore Quotes page. He also gets the prize for: "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet," according to a chat transcript at Wired.
Candidate No. 2 is not much better. Check out this George Bush Quotes page for amazing excerpts like "Somebody -- somebody asked me, what's it take to win? I said to them, I can't remember, what does it take to win the Super Bowl? Or maybe Steinbrenner, my friend George, will tell us what it takes for the Yanks to win -- one run. But I went over to the Strawberry Festival this morning, and ate a piece of shortcake over there -- able to enjoy it right away, and once I completed it, it didn't have to be approved by Congress -- I just went ahead and ate it -- and that leads me into what I want to talk to you about today..."
Go figure.
For both wannabe presidents, one major suggestion: the Encyclopaedia Britannica. Get your facts right before your next speech guys, because the rest of us know that leopards have spots, not zebras.
Who can forget the American Election Authorities? They can try CoolMath4Kids for help in getting their count right before the next election comes around.
Lastly, a word to those who thought Indian politicians were the funniest: Ha!
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