"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
- Katharine Hepburn.

"Love is an oasis of horror in a desert of boredom."
- Charles Baudelaire.

"One lover, that is love; two lovers, that is passion; three lovers, that is commerce."
- French Proverb.

Hello. I'm normal, I really am.

I can take it all: Corruption, lethargy, frustration, depression -- the works. Because, all said and done, this is India we're talking about. What I can't take, however, is February 14.

It's the day when roses and clichés rule supreme. When couples of all ages walk, run, or drag themselves, hand in hand, into beautiful sunsets, while speaking only in whispers. When some people (read, those into marketing chocolate and greeting cards) make a lot of money, thanks to others who insist on spending a lot of it. When some look desperate and others smile like they've just won a lottery.

Don't get me wrong. This is not about a bad influence on our culture. If it was, I'd be just another half-witted politician gunning for a stupid cause. This is more about an overdose of love so huge it makes me want to throw up in a hurry.

The good thing is I'm not alone here. There are still a couple of people around the world who can think without the stars and ribbons getting in their way. Like Ron, for example. Ron, who? Ron of the Anti-Valentine's Day Wake fame, that's who. He's got a number of valid questions for those who visit his site. Like the succinct: "Does the sight of chocolate hearts, stuffed animals, and pre-packaged romance fill your heart with disgust?" He then goes on to rave and rant about everything from bitter chocolate and dead flowers to 'eviscerated teddy bears' and 'evil candy hearts'.

For the lovelorn, there's age-old advice too, but from a slightly different perspective: "The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach... from the front. From the rear, it is the gap between the fifth and sixth ribs. Be careful not to get your blade caught in the cartilage..."

All things considered, Ron's my kinda guy. Let's say you're a sympathiser to the cause. You don't hate Valentine's Day, but you don't exactly love it to death either. In which case, the Psychotic Valentine Greeting Generator is perfect for you. It spews inscriptions that are weird, wacky, or simply not of this world - guaranteed to give your Valentine a whole lot of second thoughts about going out with you.

Try this: "The little man under my couch that steals all my oatmeal, threatened to eat me if I didn't tell you, Happy Valentine's Day! I know you have asked me not to write you. But the voices told me it's ok." Or: "The blue Jell-O I just ate, will keep biting me on the cheek until I tell you, Happy Valentine's Day! You're mine or else!!"

After this, if he or she does say 'No', at least you can tell your friends you tried hard enough.

Now some people have completely different reasons for not liking Valentine's Day. In simpler words: They hate it because they can't get a date. For this group, the Alt.Suicide.Holiday Valentines Day Survival Kit has a useful list of things that can be done to make February 14 a "tolerable, and even perhaps enjoyable day for those of who refuse to be enslaved by commercialism".

Huh? Relax, he's being sarcastic. The suggestions include: "Gather a large amount of sympathetic malcontents together and declare February 14 as a Day of Hate". And also, "Upon coming in contact with aforementioned amorous starry-eyed couples, proceed to exclaim loudly to either one, 'Why didn't you call me! You told me our passionate night together was only the beginning?!'"

Someone with just as big a problem getting a date set up the ElsoNet's Anti-Valentine's Day Central. He calls it the 'VD2K' problem, and predicts that its cause will be the overload and needless use of Valentine's Day web greeting sites. Apparently, due to the widespread usage of the Internet and the inclusion of associated multimedia (such as cheesy MIDI files) attached to such greetings, computers will crash, leading to the unavailability of services, civil unrest and the eventual breakdown of society.

And then you wonder why this cheerful guy doesn't get a woman to say 'yes'.

The site's also got stories about 'nice guys' who had little or no luck with women, quotes and questions about love, and personal stats about a number of other men trying to get lucky.

If you belong to the same category, and really, really need all the help you can get, try Luv-o-matic which uses drop-down menus to send that special someone a 'suitably disturbing love letter for any occasion'.

Enough about men. Ever wondered what women feel about the whole mushy affair? Valentine's Day Can Bite Me is a valuable insight, courtesy a woman who has hated it since high school. And she's got a lot of valid points to make. "Everyone runs around frothing, proclaiming their love and pledging their eternal allegiance to one another. It makes me sick. If someone truly cared about you, I think you'd hear it more often than once a year, presented with a heart shaped cardboard box picked up from CVS filled with cheap chocolates made with oils and lard and a card picked up for $2.95."

True? You bet your life it is.

Last stop, Heartless-Bitches which is not really anti-Valentine, but more for women who have 'had enough of stupid men'. It lives by 'The Heartless Manifesto': "You ever get tired of those whiners in the newsgroups? Do really sappy, insipid, "always and forever" love poems make you want to puke? Does the sight of an incredibly handsome man turn you off, cause so many of them have room-temperature IQ's, and obnoxious or non-existent personalities?"

If your answer to all of the above is a resounding 'Yes', the 'BitchBoard' is the place to voice your opinion. The creators clarify that this is not about man-hating, and that they don't discriminate against 'stupidity, arrogance, irresponsibility, bloated egos, or immaturity on the basis of gender'. For them, the word 'bitch' simply means 'Being In Total Control, Honey'.

I agree. If you don't, get help. Or, then again, get broke.

So I'm normal, I really am. But if you're caught up in the V-Day fever, it's you I'm really worried about.

ALSO READ:
Are you a good Net lover?
Love in letters
A girl's guide to Valentine's Day
Can't buy me love?
Love at first site
Hits and Mrs
Matchmaker, Matchmaker...

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