Who's the most painful on Simi's new show?
But Madame Garewal is chugging along, mostly in white, trapping younglings on her show, Simi Selects India's Most Desirable. Despite the brickbats and the ratings, the show rolls on. And perhaps the question above should be rephrased to ask 'With whom was Simi most painful?'
I'd say Ranbir Kapoor and end the debate there after that one legendary episode which kicked off the new show, one of the most atrocious things in the history of television. But masochistic editors decreed that I watch every episode just to make sure Simi didn't go even 'better' than episode one. (She didn't. Believe me.)
Here, however, are eight episodes recapped, me biting the bullets you hopefully missed. Which episode did you personally howl at the most? What was actually watchable? Do vote, dear reader.
Ah, this was the beginning that led us to believe we were in for a special show. Ranbir sat down and looked meek while Simi consummately clawed off his street-cred, showing a mother's boy instead of the rated-R superstar we'd all come to believe was the next film industry star.
The highlight of the episode of course was when Garewal suddenly went into parakeet mode as she became Ranbir's fictional girlfriend Kiki, a monstrous insult to girlfriends everywhere.
Image: Ranbir Kapoor
Deepika, she of the insane legs, looked pretty and seemed determined to be very composed indeed.
But Simi was all over the place in this episode as she stepped onto often-trod ground like Padukone's tattoo featuring Ranbir's initials and random questions about Siddharth Mallya which creepily implied that Garewal knew the Kingfisher lad better than his own rumoured girlfriend.
Image: Deepika Padukone
Either way, we were force-fed servings of Mallya with his weird accent -- think Russell Brand just back from Mars -- trying to impress upon the world just how much of a player he is. With that bankbook we don't doubt it, but maybe these aren't games we care about.
Image: Siddharth Mallya
There's a strange air of superciliousness about the perfectly prim Sonakshi Sinha, as if she topped the exams by accident but now has the report card blown up and framed above her fireplace.
Simi, possibly at home with smugness, eagerly accepted Sinha as one of her own and proceeded to mollycoddle her and ask her agonizingly boring questions, one after the other. What she should have asked Sonakshi, of course, is how weird it was acting opposite her father's moustache in her debut film.
Image: Sonakshi Sinha
Disturbingly enough, Simi chose to play 'Have You Ever' with John, making us all gasp at Simi confessing/claiming that She Has Never Fantasised About A Friend's Girlfriend. Way too much information, Sim.
Image: John Abraham
Kapoor seems to save her worst performances for talk shows, pretending to be interested and grinning wide. But behind the scarlet lipstick lies a grin more plastic than the Joker and eyes that can't help rolling even when she says Yay to Simi trilling, "Let's bring out the Tarot!"
It's as if she was going onto this show after being yelled at by her folks and told to behave, almost as if she'd done messily on a talk show earlier. Oh, wait.
Image: Sonam Kapoor
Oh joy, Kiki returned. But what a thanda comeback!
Almost a shell of her screechy former self, Kiki did her "how much do you wuv me" routine for as long as she could while Abhay sat back and giggled. Most of the show, in fact, was Deol giggling and saying peculiar things to do with calling his uncle dad and his dad uncle.
Garewal, ever the sweet lady asking young neighbourhood boys over for tea, to her credit didn't venture at all towards the tabloid rumours surrounding Deol's sexuality.
Image: Abhay Deol
My, this Band Bajaa Baaraat girl is coming along well, isn't she?
Anuskha looked lovely on Simi's show -- while the hostess wore something oddly like a wedding dress -- and while she claimed not to be comfortable on a chat show, came across completely chilled out and refreshingly *normal* by Bollywood standards.
Even the times she laughed politely at Simi Aunty's attempts at being funny, it was clear the younger woman was humouring her. And Anushka, bonus points for having a real laugh.
Image: Anushka Sharma