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Here's how Bollywood would direct Osama's death

Last updated on: May 2, 2011 15:23 IST

Here's how Bollywood would direct Osama's death

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Raja Sen in Mumbai

We haven't seen the body of terrorist mastermind, but I'm surely not alone in wagering that Bollywood -- just like Hollywood and leading video-game manufacturers -- is already wondering just how to script Attack On Osama: The Final Assault into a money-spinning behemoth.

 

Here, then, are some ideas of just how five Bollywood men could possibly mine the successful strike on Abbotabad:

 

Mahesh Bhatt

 

A rousing soundtrack from Pritam will add creedence to the romantic track between crack commandos Emraan Hashmi and Udita Goswami, who fall in love while undercover in Pakistan --  because it isn't enough for them to be mere soldiers.

 

Osama is shown as a terrible villain, but also one very fond of his children and quite misunderstood by his troops. In the end, by the time the bullet gets him, alcohol and remorse have gotten there first.

 


Image: Mahesh Bhatt

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Karan Johar

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Shah Rukh Khan plays an old Indian soldier forced out of retirement because of a special mission only he can lead. His name is Khan, you see, and nobody else is qualified enough to lead the US troops into the bleak neverland of, um, a Pakistani town not too far away from one of their biggest cities.

Frequent flashbacks of his partition are interspersed with his young New York-based romance, one nipped tragically in the bud when Kajol's family died during 9/11.

 


Image: Karan Johar

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Anurag Kashyap

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There is no war. There is just an old conjuror in a cave, hypnotising the world through subliminal messages broadcast via television. Did the twin towers never fall? Or never exist?

Is it all an American actor in a beard, working with a special force? Join brave journalist J (played by John Abraham or Abhay Deol) as he works through a drug-fuelled haze to unravel the conspiracies of the so-called "Osama." Or does he get sucked in deeper still? Who knows where it all leads, but Amit Trivedi comes up with a doozy of a Mid-East influenced soundtrack.

 


Image: Anurag Kashyap

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Ram Gopal Varma

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Orphaned at birth, an ambitious young jihadi works his way up the ranks of the Al Qaeda. Hugely influenced by Osama bin Laden, he emulates him at every step till he sees the old man feebly running from the Americans.

He vows to be an even bigger terrorist menace, and decides to betray the bearded leader. He brings the Americans into Abbotabad and rejoices with them when bin Laden is killed, but is himself felled immediately after by a triumphant, headshot-happy sniper.

 


Image: Ram Gopal Varma

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Priyadarshan

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In a topical readaption of Weekend At Bernie's, Priyan toys with the popular conspiracy theory that Osama's been dead a long time.

In his story, a couple of goofy but likeable Al Qaeda operatives discover that Laden is dead and use his corpse as a puppet to get them an 'in' with two lovely Mujahideen chicas who wouldn't normally let them anywhere near their burkhas. In the climax ripped off from Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron's Mahabharat scene, there is a lot of running around, a lot of slapping, much falling down and bin Laden in drag. Now that's even funnier than Paresh Rawal's dhoti falling down every three minutes.

 


Image: Priyadarshan

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