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'She refused me because I live in a joint family'

Last updated on: April 6, 2012 10:20 IST

'She refused me because I live in a joint family'

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Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on April 4 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.


Love Guru says, Hi everyone and welcome back to the Love Guru chat...let's get started!


401753 asked, my hubby is cheated me he talk with another girl

Love Guru answers, Talking to another girl doesn't qualify as cheating...I don't quite understand why you're upset? Unless he has been hiding it from you.


LOVEGURU asked, Hi... BHAI.... MY girlfriend left me bec of some problem at her home...... I am feeling bad...... How to come over this situation.?

Love Guru answers, Are you part of that problem -- they aren't accepting the relationship? In any case, it's better it happened sooner rather than later. If she doesn't want to go against their opinion, you can't do much about that. Move on -- I know it's easier said than done, but time heals everything. It's not the end of the world, my dear -- you'll meet someone else who thinks you're worth it.


KTN asked, Hi, Just 1 week back my family has found a match for me. And myself and the girl both hav agreed for marraige. Our engagement is yet to get fixed. Give me some tips on how to start talking to the girl and develop a strong relationship with her.

Love Guru answers, Be polite and a gentleman. Send her flowers evry now and then or a small gift to show your affection. Call her on the phone, try meeting up and spend some quality time alone, if possible. If you're not surrounded by family members at all times, it'll be easier talking to each other and getting to know each other.


hmmm asked, I got in to love marriage, but over the last few years the love has faded away. Anything i say irritates her. i have tried talking to her at times, about that we should move on in life leaving the issues behind, but she is not able to.. Pls help how to revive my life.

Love Guru answers, Explain to your wife that she can either live in the past, bickering about issues that have long been over and done with and make you both unhappy -- or she can learn to be happy again with a brand new start. I'm sure she's as unhappy as you are at the moment. Unless she wants to end the marriage, this is the only choice she has or you'll both be trapped endlessly in arguments and dissatisfaction.


rajeshrock asked, How do I approach to girl who is a colleague . She looks at me when i look her , but i really dont know if she likes me .

Love Guru answers, Just looking at you doesn't necessarily mean she's interested. You need to start smiling in her direction or saying hello every now and then when you pass by. When you get an opportunity to strike up a conversation, take it. Work from thereon. But don't do anything that makes her uncomfortable -- look for signs that she's interested and if they are not forthcoming, I'd suggest you let this go. Or it will affect your job.


vin asked, Hi, i have my friend who loves me but she doesn't agree that what to do?

Love Guru answers, Are you sure that's the case or is it more your wishful thinking that she's in love with you? Because I can't think why she would deny it otherwise.


Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.

Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh


Image: 'She refused me because I live in a joint family'

Tags: Guru , KTN , Uttam Ghosh , Hi , BHAI

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'My husband has kept photographs of all his exes'

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rohan asked, i m a 40 year old male.as long as in relationship,woman feel on seventh sky...thats how i treat them,but after 2,3 years i feel to move out.i cannot stay in relationship long time.i feel choked.but i cannot hurt them too.it is tiring me.do i need to change..what is wrong with me.

Love Guru answers, At the age of 40 you're set in your ways and don't want to compromise your lifestyle to get into a longterm relationship. After the initial spark dies down, you want to go chasing it with someone new. And that means you haven't found the right person yet either, someone you see yourself spending your life with.


aks asked, How to stop people how are cheating their parents and spending time in gardens smooching & doing ugly things in public gardens?

Love Guru answers, That's their parents' problem, don't take it upon yourself to impose morality upon the younger generation.


frt asked, My husband had many relations in past. But after I entered his life he became one woman man. I know he loves me a lot and is loyal to our realtionship. Bur still he has kept pics of his ex galfrends in his archive. I have pointed the same to him many times but still he does not throws or delete it and ask me to do so if I have problem with them. Is he behaving weird?

Love Guru answers, If he's loyal and faithful to you, I don't think it should affect you so much. Sometimes people like to hold onto small mementos of past relationships -- that doesn't mean he's still in love with his ex-girlfriends.


vakas asked, I liked a girl whom I met on 15th Jan. It was a arranged setup. The girl however said no because of my joint family. She has a fear and sceptism of whether she will be able to manage in it or not. I really like her a lot and I don't really know how do I convince her. I can't even think of separating from my joint family either ! Help please

Love Guru answers, Don't try to convince her if you're not prepared to separate from your family. Very few joint family set-ups work without friction and she's being honest about the fact that it isn't her cup of tea. You've grown up in that set-up and for you it's a way of life -- it's not for her. You shouldn't have to 'convince' her -- if you do and then things don't work out, the finger of blame will be pointed at you. And at that point you'd have to move out, after relations deteriorate between your wife and family, to save your marriage. So think it through carefully.


Tanmoy asked, can u please tell me the difference between best friendship and love?? its tha biggest problem now in my life..

Love Guru answers, If you're having romantic thoughts about your best friend, it's obvious you want more than friendship. But you need to ask your friend if she feels the same way about you. It's not uncommon for romances to grow out of friendship, so try your luck!


Santosh asked, I have been married fr 3 months my wife now has become more demanding now it wasn't like that when we were engaged. Is it that love changes after marriage?

Love Guru answers, As you get more familiar with each other things will change a little. But love and mutual respect can help you both cope with that.


pracool asked, My work collegue is beautiful and sexy,,, but i very afraid to approach her,,,could u pls suggest me the best solution to tslk to her

Love Guru answers, Take a look at the answer I gave rajeshrock below.


SHAN asked, I USED TO CHAT WITH A GIRL.. AND SHE WAS FLIRTING ME THEN I STARTED TO FLIRT WITH HIM...BUT RECENTLY SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH ME..AND WANT TO MARRY ME BUT I AM NOT INTERESTED TO MARRY HER AND SHE IS CRYING WHAT SHOULD I DO PLZZZ PLZZZ HELP ME

Love Guru answers, Chatting and flirting doesn't mean you have to marry her! Explain that you didn't have any romantic intentions and you're sorry she interpreted it that way.



Image: 'My husband has kept photographs of all his exes'

Tags: SHAN , Santosh

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'Each time we fight she breaks things off'

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vin asked, She always keeps breaking up with me for some or other reason but again comes back after sometime, I'm sick of fighting tried everything don't know what to do, can't stop thinking of her?

Love Guru answers, Fighting doesn't mean you break things off! When you fight you both should give each other some space for some time and then work on the problem together. She can't keep walking out on you! And the main reason she's doing it is because you take it. The next time, say no. Don't take her back right away. Let her sweat it out for a few days and then set the condition that future fights mean a cool-off period, not a break-up!


sss asked, Hi, My girlfriend is a college student and i`m a working professional. The issue is she simply refuses to understand my schedule in the office and demands attention all the time. I know she loves me a lot. A lot of times it gets on to my nerves but i keep it cool, but its getting nastier by the day and she thinks i dont love her any more. I have no clue on what to do...

Love Guru answers, She's being a little childish and you're giving in. Explain firmly that you love her and want to be with her, but you cannot give her so much attention during office hours and she's being unreasonable and insecure to be so demanding. Also explain that she'll only fully understand this situation herself when she starts working fulltime and she shouldn't doubt your love for her just because you're busy with job responsibilities.


paplu asked, LG.. i have the same problem as hmmmm... my spouse loves to wallow in self pity out of the troubles and sorrows we faced earlier.. and then she makes the present unbearable for herself as well as me.. and its affecting her health so adversely that our social life is all fed up.. i have tried talking to her in all possible ways and also suggested that we should seek help from a clinical psychologist.. but to no avail.. i am stumped and frustrated ...

Love Guru answers, You can insist on marital counselling together instead of a clinical psychologist. But you really need to get help if you both can't work it out on your own together.


saroj asked, hello guru, till now i have 4 crushes and everybody refused my offer of marriage, i dont understand what to do

Love Guru answers, Stop going around proposing marriage to your crushes! Take things slow, become first and then express your geelings if the person you're interested in shows some interest too. And don't bring up marriage at all until you've dated someone for awhile!


RAJ2 asked, MY NEIGHBOUR WOMAN 40 YEARS OLD AND I AM 33 YEARS OLD. EVERYTIME I SAW HER REACTION TOWARDS ME IS STRANGE. SHE LOOKS AT ME SMILE. CAN I GO AHEAD. I ALSO HAVE DESIRE FOR HER WHAT TO DO

Love Guru answers, I'd advise against it if she's married -- and if you are too! If both of you are single, there's nothing to really stop you pursuing her.


myself asked, I m a working woman. After a hole day office work and household chores, I m so tired dat I hardly want to speak to mu husband. Also my I throw my in laws frustration on him? I feel bad for him coz even he is not happy wid it. Dunno how to tackle this?

Love Guru answers, Maybe you should stop living with your in-laws if they're making you so unhappy.


sunny asked, hi.. i am a married good looking hunk of 40 years ...in my gym i had a big crush over a girl who was 32 years with two kids,, things went well for four months..now when i told clearly about my feeling about her...she now even ceased to talk to me.. is telling truth such a big mistake..i wish things could normalize aagin ...regards

Love Guru answers, It is a mistake when you're married and she's married and a mother! What made you think she would respond positively, didn't you think it through? You didn't 'tell the truth' in this situation, Sunny, you volunteered unnecessary information hoping she would respond. And not surprisingly, she didn't. She's a wife and mother, just because you're good-looking it's not necessary she'd fall for you.


kl asked, 3 months before i got arrange marriage,before marriage i was in love with 1 girl but due to family we both decided to marry wherever our family wants,now I' like my wife too she is very nice,but she wants Sex near about every day and i'm not get very much interested with her in sex every day,so whether this is problem due to my relationship or how can manage this situation.

Love Guru answers, It's not a problem in your relationship if you don't have sex everyday. But marrying someone you think is 'nice' isn't enough to ignite the passion required for sex, is it? I'd suggest you start focusing on your marriage and maybe be honest with her about what happened in your past? It's better than rejecting your new bride of three months -- that's bound to hurt her, so I figure being truthful and expressing your developing feelings for her will make her happier than not knowing what the problem is. And you can also try spicing up your sex life -- look up how to on the Internet.



Image: 'Each time we fight she breaks things off'

Tags: RAJ2 , LG

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'I'm a cross-dresser -- how do I tell my wife?'

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jk asked, My arrange marriage was fixed 3 years ago girl broke the marriage just 5 days before the marriage date . I still miss her came to know she has not got married shall I approach her or leave her as it was she who broke the arrange marriage after wedding invitations were sent . ??? suggest ...

Love Guru answers, First tell me the reason why she broke it off five days ahead of the wedding? I'll be able to give you a more informed answer.


cherry asked, hi lg, its been 3 months that my gf started working,and she works 7 days a week 10 hrs a day!! i was very reluctant to let her join this job but she convinced me that she wanted a reason to avoid marriage discussion at home for now. but of late i am unable to handle the situations cz she literally has no time for me,and also when ever i insist her to talk she sayz she is tired and starts staying away from me telling that i should understand her and adjust atleast for the next one year. i am adamant that she shd not continue this job any more and want to force her to resign but somewher i feel she might completly avoid me as i am building up pressure on her. and also ego is running high between us. plz advice

Love Guru answers, Her career is obviously important to her, but tell me which job keeps you at work all seven days of the week without a single day off? While she may be busy, I do think it's unreasonable for her to expect you to hang on like this for a whole year. But putting pressure on her to quit isn't going to help -- it may well end with her breaking things off with you.


Sudhir asked, Hi Guru, I am married and I love to crossdress... But how do I tell my wife that I want to wear saree and become her wife and she should behave as my husband... How do I convince her.. I love her dominating me and making me her slave sissy wife in saree... Please help...

Love Guru answers, Abroad lots of people have cross-dressing spouses and don't have a problem with it. I'd suggest you introduce your wife to the concept and be honest about it -- hopefully, she'll understand. Not right away, maybe, but she'll come around to it in time? And I'd also suggest making it clear that you're not gay, nor are you attracted to anyone besides her -- it's just that you want to enact your fantasy with her.


sugandhasb asked, i & my hubby seprated 10days before . can we joint togather

Love Guru answers, There's no reason why you can't get back together if both of you want to.


cs asked, LG, last time u said that it was my mistake to keep asking again and again. but i didnt had an intention to irritate her. i just love her too much. i am not able to forget her till now. but did she do the correct thing by ignoring and avoiding me after she said i was her friend. i too could have avoided her wen she needed me but i don't didnt do tat. am i behaving childish asking this to u?

Love Guru answers, Your behaviour towards her was childish. Suppose you had a close girl friend who loved you, but you didn't want to be with her. She proposed, you said no, but you'd like to remain friends. But she didn't take no for an answer -- she kept on and on pestering you with her proposals every chance she got. Finally what would you do? You'd cut her off -- and that's what your friend did. There's only so much pestering and irritation somebody can take.


jk asked, Hi Jk again ... she called me narrow mentality due to some reason we have fight in a argument I used abusive language her that humiliated her she use to come late from her office she thinks I suspect her ...she use to says she has comfort level with her friend not with you it infuriated me .

Love Guru answers, So your use of abusive language infuriated her. But tell me, did you really suspect something at her workplace and confront her about it? And then abuse her? Under such circumstances maybe you needed to check your temper -- you can't speak to anyone like that, it shows a lack of respect. But I don't see why you can't approach her again after such a fight -- you could try, there's no harm. And maybe apologise for what happened.


cherry asked, hi lg, she works for a hospital. trust me i am just damn irritated!! she is so afraid even to ask for a off a week! i told her they are exploiting freshers u can still get somewhere! she is just not willing to listen! what do i do

Love Guru answers, Her work obviously seems like her first priority. And you obviously can't spend one year like this, fighting and not spending any time together -- a break-up would be inevitable. So here's what -- either she tries to be sensible and ask for one day off a week. I don't think that's unreasonable at all and you're right, she should. Or then you both call it quits for a year and see how things are once she's more settled.


sarika asked, Hi LG , greeting of the day , i m suffering from a peculiar issue. We had a love marriage. My husband has many affairs before our marriage but we met he creed pleaded and did all to persuade me to get married to him though i was not ready initially, anyway we got married and now this is persan is very happy and content that he has got me . Just being with me gives him so pleasure that he doesnt think of anything else. We hardly get physical.If i go away or get angry he again plead and repeat his all activities but thn again get bk to square 1. He is perfectly healthy male and i hv no doubts that he loves me ... but i m kind of turning into desperate housewives.. talked to him abt itbut all in vain. Pls advise if you can crack this case

Love Guru answers, Instead of leaving or getting angry, sit him down and explain that your sex life is important to you and he needs to take some initiative. If he doesn't, he will lose you eventually. What is his reaction when you initiate sex, does he shoo you off? Or is it just that you wait for him to initiate it and then get frustrated when he doesn't? If that's the case, you need to change your habits too and take control of the situation.


Abhi asked, LG, I once misbehaved (spoke lewed words)with my friend's wife when i was heavily drunk. I apologized to both of them next day and ensured to limit my consumption. But for the last month or so, i have noticed she has been flirting with me. Looks at me invitingly, asks me to come home when my friend is not around. Comes to my home often for some reason and spends a lot of time talking nonsense and sometime asks if i have any GF. Am a freelancer and work from home.Not sure what her behaviour mean? I may just spoil my friends marriage life. How can i council her?

Love Guru answers, Don't counsel her, just avoid her when she tries to come onto you. Don't give in to this nonsense or you will end up ruining your friend's marriage. Stay out of it.


Love Guru says, That's all for today, folks! See you next week for the ZaraBol version of the Love Guru chat! Till then, goodbye and all the best!



Image: 'I'm a cross-dresser -- how do I tell my wife...'


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