'My girlfriend is nagging me to marry her right away'
Is your love life under pressure? Are you troubled by your relationship? Get Ahead's Love Guru hosted a chat with readers on January 12 to help them deal with love problems. For those of you who missed it, here's the transcript.
Love Guru says, Hello people! Welcome back to the Love Guru chat on Rediff! Let's start off!
Ravi asked, Hi, how do you resolve the Girl friend's nagging line ' marry me right now'? It is killing all the love and affection I have for her. I am sorry on other side that hard built vibes are going for toss. She is in constant hunt mood. Please advise!
Love Guru answers, Why don't you tell her what you just told me? If you're not ready, you're not ready and in that case getting married is just giving in to what you don't want -- that means it will never work out. But why don't you at least discuss marriage with her -- you can tell her to give you a year, or two years or whatever time it is you need before a formal commitment. There must be a reason why she's putting pressure on you -- parental pressure, insecurity, a long courtship period, age -- all these are factors that may be worrying her. And if you want her to stick it out till you are ready, you'll have to give her a valid reason to do so.
rex asked, Hi LG, I found out that my GF had interest in another man, though she claimed she wasna€™t sleeping with him. We had many confrontations and finally, she chose to ignore me and I broke off. Its many months since this happened and yet I find it difficult to get over her thoughts. At times I miss her and at times I get enraged with the way she had used me up. How to get over these feelings?
Love Guru answers, You're still looking for answers, even though you have no more contact with her. That's what's nagging you and why you can't move on despite the time that's elapsed. And she's not going to give you those answers, so instead of re-thinking everything that happened, why not just let it go? If you have an outlook that focuses on meeting someone new and the future instead of questioning the past, it will help you considerably. Start dating other girls too -- you don't have to move too fast or on the rebound, but meeting other women will you from dwelling on your ex to such an extent.
GOLIBAAJ asked, SIR, HOW TO HANDLE GHARWALI AND BAHARWALI. I ALWAYS SHOP BUY ONE GET ONE FREE. IN THAT CASE I CAN MAKE THEM BOTH HAPPY. GHARWALI AND BAHARWALI. HOW DO YOU SUGGEST TO HANDLE ?
Love Guru answers, Stop wasting my time with stupid questions! 'Buy one get one free' -- just what do you think you're doing, purchasing nonstick cooking ware?
AMIT asked, SIr Ji....I love one girl...and told her about my feeling but she is flirt kind of a person....every month she make new freinds and told me that he is my freind amd tay with him....I love her too much and it is very difficult to see all these things..
Love Guru answers, However difficult it is, Amit, it's her life. She is obviously not interested in you or she would have committed to you, right? If she has a new boyfriend every month, that's still her prerogative. Sorry buddy, but you seem to be wasting your affection on someone who doesn't really want it.
Advice from the Love Guru does not reflect the opinions of rediff.com and should not be considered in the capacity of professional counselling.
Illustrations: Uttam Ghosh
Image: 'My girlfriend is nagging me to marry her right away'
'I stopped talking to her when she asked to have sex with me'
Zahir asked, LG, i was attracted to a girl, we used to smoke, drink, go around, i though, i was in love, but when she asked me to sleep with her,it was something very silly, i stopped speaking to he in short started ignoring her, now she want to marry me, same way i have ignored her. What i'm doing is correct or plz let me know how to handle this case.
Love Guru answers, What can possibly be correct about your behaviour? She's in love with you and because she wanted to get physical, you stopped talking to her? Do you have any idea how that must have hurt her or damaged her self-confidence? Any other man in your place would have been delighted! Just what are you trying to prove by behaving so silly with her? Please tell me the reason behind this childish nonsense!
LUAGHINGGIRL asked, LOVE GURU. HOW MUCH DO YOU GET TO JOIN REDIFF CHAT. ONE CHAI OR BREAD PAKODA. I WILL GIVE YOU ONE COFFEE AND PANEER PAKODA TO LEAVE THIS CHAT. LOL.
Love Guru answers, I'd suggest you enjoy a coffee and pakoda right about now, because you've been barred from this chat! And you may also consider brushing up on your spelling skills -- it's 'laughing', not 'luaghing'.
Krunal asked, my gf dumped me and now she is happy with some other guy actually they both are childhood friends.i am so much upset n disheartened that i was being used and i have wasted my time on her. i am not able to concentrate anywhere please help me out with this problem.thanks
Love Guru answers, Look, it's never easy when you're left for someone else. If it's any consolation, it happens to a lot of people and it doesn't mean the end of the world. The rejection, combined with the fact that she's moved on happily while you're miserable is getting to you. But if she could be so thoughtless, it means she never really cared that deeply about you in the first place. So another way of looking it is as a blessing in disguise that it happened sooner rather than later. You're free to enjoy your life as you please, meet new girls and find someone who values you a lot more. All the best!
sa asked, Hi LG, I am getting married soon. Some months back my almost best friend (a girl) out of the blue said I really love u a lot and wish u were not getting married... in response to me calling her for my marriage, she said.. she wud neevr come... I didnt mind this at all. But since last month, I have started missing her, telling her all the things we used to talk ... all fun we used to do... it seems I am marrying a girl I love.. but I am loosing a friend I want to be with... I am very confused.. please advise
Love Guru answers, You're missing your friend. But do you harbour any romantic feelings towards her? Did that thought ever cross your mind before she mentioned her own feelings to you? Look, after marriage it would have been difficult for you to carry on being such close friends as you were in any case -- partners don't want to share loved ones with 'best friends', particularly of the opposite sex who harbour secret feelings for their spouses. If you love the girl you're marrying, you're making the right decision and it's natural to miss your friend. But you seem to be missing her as just that -- as a friend and nothing more. Or is it something more? Do you see yourself entertaining thoughts of a romantic future with her? Tell me.
sandeep asked, Hey love guru iam very much interested in this girl,but whenever i speak to her in phone can't stay true myself feeling tensed,dunno what iam saying to her she might be feeling bored chatting,i need to ask her go out with me on a date.
Love Guru answers, Stop thinking so much of whether she's being bored by you or not -- be yourself. And be confident, there's no bigger turn-off for a woman than a man who isn't sure of himself! Not overconfident, confident. Ask her out for coffee and if she accepts, don't go blabbing your feelings that same date. Take her out a few times over the next couple of months or so and then approach the topic of feelings. She should be interested and comfortable being around you before you try to propose.
Image: 'I stopped talking to her when she asked to have sex with me'
'I want to marry him immediately because we've had sex'
nikku asked, Sir, I love my wife very much, but she doesn't love me, she always pinches me, and hurt me, she trace my small mistake (i am not wearing polished shoe, i forgot to call her while coming home), and told this to all including their family members.
Love Guru answers, Your wife sounds like a bully to me. And the more you tolerate this behaviour, the more she will treat you like a doormat. First thing you do is tell her not to discuss your private arguments with others, even family -- that shows a lack of respect for you and your marriage and it's nobody else's business what happens in your home. It does nothing except provide others with gossip about the two of you. Second, she is not to get physical with you -- explain that just because she is a woman, it does not give her the right to hit or pinch you. And third, there is a way of pointing out small issues like shoes that need polish and missed calls -- if she speaks nicely and casually instead of insulting you, you'll be more inclined to listen. And most important, Nikku -- stand your ground. Don't give in after making all this perfectly clear to her. These are perfectly reasonable issues and she'll have to abide by them. If and when she strays from what you've discussed, point it out to her right away.
palu asked, i m in love with a girl we both love each other very much every thing was going right on track but just before our enagagement date now she is saying i dont want to marry with u. i have already convinced my parents for our marriage. Now i m fully shocked wwhat should i dooo ????
Love Guru answers, Why doesn't she want to marry you? That's the most important thing you've left out -- if you don't know, ask her and work on it. If I were to guess, I'd say either she's getting cold feet before the wedding, which is natural -- or it's your parents who are the problem. You said you had to 'convince' them, meaning that they aren't too delighted about you two being together. And that may be intimidating her -- which girl wants to marry into a family that is making it clear from the start that they are only tolerating her for your sake?
ramola asked, hi love guru............ I fell in love with one of my close friend. he to loves me........ My age is 23 & i am a software engineer working as a trainee engineer & he is 25 also working in d same company.Be belong from same Caste.Problem is dat he want to marry me wen he becomes 27.But i want to marry him immediately,bocz we had sex many times....i cant wait for 2 more years.
Love Guru answers, Having sex regularly is not a reason to marry quickly. If you're feeling so guilty about it, why didn't you abstain in the first place? I think, Ramola, that your boyfriend is only wanting to ensure he's well-settled before making such a big commitment. And you can certainly wait two years, you're only 23! Look, if you want a commitment so desperately, maybe you both can get engaged. And set a wedding date two years hence. Also, stop panicking about having sex so much -- use contraceptives, be safe and enjoy it, because it's natural and normal for couples to indulge in it!
iamdead asked, Love guru, there are 3 girls whom I loved, all of them got married and now I am alone, seeing 4th one. I am afraid she too... Help
Love Guru answers, What, you need a harem to feel loved? You have a girlfriend, what are you so whining about! Stop worrying so much and be a little more confident of yourself -- it was probably your lack of it that drove away the first three.
Nidhi asked, Hi Love Guru! I like my Hubby to give me Oral Sex every time before we have sex. Is it normal?
Love Guru answers, Yes it is -- as long as both of you enjoy indulging in it, what's the harm?
anshul asked, me n my gf had break up one month bck n the reason 4r break is not known. actuallyy i wss getting to possesive.. the think is i truly love her n want her back .. but she has ignored me n dosnt want to talk please help me to get her bck
Love Guru answers, Well, that's your fault, isn't it, Anshul? You'll have to get her to talk to you and apologise and promise to change your ways. And if you don't, remember that the next time she'll leave you for good. Relationships don't mean you own another person and judge/tell them what to do constantly.
Image: 'I want to marry him immediately because we've had sex'
'Because of my previous broken engagement his family isn't agreeable'
sa asked, sa: LG thnaks for inquiring: I dont love her,just care for her, but its the distnace that will happen between us when i get married is tortorous. My girl and this friend are good pals, but U know how it is when two girls meet each other and I have to give importance to one of them. I know my friend likes me and knows I love my to be wife more, but we have spent so much good time together, that both of us know will not come again and will not be able to spend again. Get me out of this MISERY...plsss
Love Guru answers, If your to-be wife and best friend are good friends too, that's a good thing, isn't it? Maybe the dynamics in your friendship will change, but you can still hang out together and talk and enjoy each other's company -- as a trio, maybe? Look, after what you've told me, your wedding is the right decision and you can still focus on keeping your friendship with that girl going. Maybe you can talk to her and explain you value her too much as a friend to lose her and would like her to accept this decision of yours gracefully, without pulling away from being friends.
chotu asked, love guru, i was dating a girl from our community itself for 3 and half years. last year we had a fight and she broke up with me. Now she's married intercaste. I want to know when will i get married
Love Guru answers, And how am I to tell you that, my dear? I'm not an astrologer!
mini asked, hi LG, i met this guy on shaadi.com, spoke for 3 months then our families met bt since i hav had a failed engagement once his family isnt keen on my proposal and havnt replied. the guy still talks to me n says he wants time to convince his parents but on the other hand he's lookn for more options too n talkn to other grls aswell. what should i do? continue talkn to hm or just end it over?
Love Guru answers, They're making such a big deal over a broken engagement? And he wants to keep exploring other options? I'd say you pull out before they do -- they all sound quite narrow-minded and he seems rather self-centered.
jazz asked, hi love guru, my girl friend is died in a car accident and we were about to get married. now i can't think of getting married to anyone else as i can't forget her. what do i do?
Love Guru answers, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't know how long ago it was, but of course you need to take your time to come to terms with this tragedy. Don't think of marriage or anyone else at the moment -- take life as it comes. And don't dwell on your grief, try to come to terms with it by doing things that make you feel good. It may take an effort at first, but push yourself to go out, hang with friends. Take a vacation, maybe. Come to terms with your loss first. Once life is restored more towards normalcy, you'll find it easier to contemplate the future. Now is not the time.
Abhijit asked, Hi. My parents had recently approached my girlfriends parents to talk about our marriage. They strongly opposed due to some flaw in our horoscope. Today though i don't want to put an end to this relationship i'm being forced to think of putting it to an end. My GF today feels completely alone. She feels she is the only one holding on to this relationship. I have bought 6 months time from my parents to sort matters in my personal life... My GF thinks i'm breaking up with her and is completely shattered... I Love her a lot and cant see her in pain. She has stopped answering my calls. i feel responsible for all this mess.
Love Guru answers, Well, you kind of are responsible for this mess. Because you're calling off a relationship and basing your whole future on the word of an astrologer. And to top that you want your girlfriend to just wait around six months so you come to terms with it? I'm sorry Abhijit, but that's not how things work. Either you find another astrologer who is able to alleviate your parents' opinion or then you take a stand against their decision. Or then face up to the fact that you can't stand up to them and let your girlfriend move on.
Love Guru says, That's all we have time for today, people! Till next week, goodbye and all the best!
Image: 'Because of my previous broken engagement his family isn't agreeable'